My Lover

My lover is an enigma

Strong as a tempest,

Soft as a whisper

A man of his craft,

With work worn, calloused hands

My lover is unassuming.

A pillar of hope

My lover is a guide

Tethering my wayfaring soul to His

Chivalrous and wild,

Opening doors I never could

My lover is a gentleman

Loving the heart

And not the size

Directing a symphony

Of color and light

That greets me every morning

My lover is an artist

Unfailing and generous,

My lover is unexpected

And He is welcome.

Goodbyes Aren't My Thing

I'm not good with endings. I never have been. In fact, I am so terrible with them, that most times I don't allow myself to fully enjoy an event because I know it will soon be over. 

Yeah, I'm that ridiculous. So you can imagine just how terribly sad I am that my life as a college student has come to an end. 

When I was a student, I complained about my seemingly impossible workload (19 credit semester? was I attempting to kill myself?). Looking back now, I see just how easy I had it. College is such a special time. It's like a safe bubble; a four year (or five in my case) break from reality. Yes, it can be challenging, but in comparison to the "real world"? It's a joyous walk through a whimsical forest (analogies also aren't my thing). And one that I am insanely blessed and grateful to have experienced. 

I'd like to say this, Salisbury University is never where I thought I'd end up. Never in a million years did I think I would attend a "party" school and major in Communications of all things. But I am so glad I did. I needed to be shaken up. I needed to be driven out of my comfort zone. And most of all, I desperately needed to get over myself. 

I've experienced so much here that it's almost overwhelming. I don't feel that my words can do it justice. But, I am determined. So in an entirely cliched and cheesy way, I'd like to share a few lessons that I've learned and taken to heart:

1. Girl Friendships are Great
This one seems silly, but let me explain. Before this year, I always prided myself on the fact that I got along "better" with guys. To me, girls meant drama, gossip and thinly veiled barbs. Funnily enough, though, I've realized the majority of my close friendships this year have been with girls. I think, often times, we girls can intimidate one another. And that intimidation can lead to false judgement and jealousy of one another. I know this is true in my case. Many of the girls that I now love dearly, I was terrified of first. Now they've become my closest confidants, the people I run to when I need help. They have encouraged me, loved me, offered such wise advice and made my relationship with God so much stronger.

2. Do Things Alone
Before coming to college, I used to think I was independent. However, it wasn't until I lived on my own that I realized just how dependent I actually was on others. I am not, by nature, an introvert. I love people. Being around them is energizing to me. So the thought of doing things by myself terrified me. I wish I could say it was bravery that finally got me going, but in all honesty it was boredom. I was bored and tired of waiting on people to do things with me. So I started doing them by myself. I took long drives and explored the many beautiful places that the Eastern Shore has to offer. I tried out different local coffee shops and spent time thinking, writing, and spending time with God. And before I knew it, I fell in love with those moments. If you haven't taken to doing things on your own yet, I deeply encourage you to do so. There is so much value in them. 

3. Be Pleasing to God, Not People
This is a tough one. And one that I am still continuing to learn. Basically it's this, people don't matter. Well they do, but their opinions don't. You can't please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. This is hard for me. I have this compulsive need to please everyone and to make sure everyone is happy. This is wrong for many reasons, one being that I need to allow people to feel the things they do. If they're sad, they should be sad. It's not that I can't comfort them, but it's not fair for me to tell them how to feel. And most importantly, my goal on this earth is not to please others. I am not meant to be here for other people's desires. My purpose is to live for God and live a life that is pleasing to Him. People come and go, but God is forever loving and constant.

4. Be Open//Be Vulnerable
This is another difficult one. I've mentioned this in previous posts, but vulnerability is not my strong suit. To me, being open means being more susceptible to pain. And like any human, I try to avoid pain as much as possible. But if this past year has taught me anything, it's that vulnerability is a wonderful thing. Yes, it can lead to pain. And that pain will hurt. Quite a bit. But it can also lead to humility and compassion. Pushing people away and living with a jaded, cynical heart results in nothing good. Maybe you avoid pain, but you also lose the chance of connecting with and loving others in the way that God calls us to. And when you let others see you, that's when the real beauty begins.

5. Walk in Love
The media always portrays the extreme side of things, especially in regards to Christianity. On one side, we have preachers and politicians spouting off ridiculous, hateful things. And on the other side, we have people preaching total acceptance and tolerance of all things. Both sides presume to speak for the majority of Christians. However, I refuse to let the beliefs of others become my own. All I know is that I will strive to love others as God has loved me. He looks at me with new grace and mercy every morning and it's my goal to view others in the same way.

And that's it. Like I said above, there are so many things I could talk about, that it's overwhelming. Though this is long, it only grazes the surface of the past three years. I cherish these lessons and the memories I've made here. It sounds dramatic, but it's with a heavy heart that I leave this place. Salisbury has been my home, my place of safety and escape for the past years and I can't imagine leaving it. But I also know that I have to.

Salisbury will always be my home. I've made roots here. And I'll always look back at it with a fondness and love that may seem ridiculous to others. However, this is not my only place to grow roots in. The world is huge. The opportunities? Endless. I know it won't be easy. In fact, I'm told the transition after college is extremely difficult and I can already feel myself struggling to find my identity. It will be hard. I'll have times of sadness, joy, extreme nostalgia and the desire to go back to the "good ole' days". But I'm hopeful and I'm excited. Because I know that I still have so many things to learn and do. And God's going to be there every step of the way.

So thanks, Salisbury. You've been amazing and I'll miss you very much. 

To Go With Intention

I've come to the conclusion that the phrase "I care about you" has become something we throw around too casually. We say it often, we say it with ease, and most times, we say it without truly understanding the weight attached to those words.

And what do those words mean? What does it mean to truly care about someone? Is just saying the words enough? Obviously the answer is clear: no, it's not enough. To care about someone, you need to put action behind your words. Some intentionality.

I think this is something our culture, especially the Christian one, has lost: the ability to be intentional with others. Which is truly unfortunate because intentionality is such a beautiful and memorable thing.

I think to be intentional with someone, it means you have to go beyond yourself. You have to take a step out of your comfort zone and put others before. And though that should be an easy thing to do, especially as a believer, often times it's one of the hardest to accomplish. Whether it's the fear of looking or sounding like an idiot, being too shy, or just not wanting to "deal" with others, we've lost the art of noticing. And, therefore, I think we've also lost the art of caring about others.

This past summer was difficult. It was challenging and painful in ways I've never had to deal with and for most of the summer, I felt weak and weighed down by burdens that seemed impossible to bear on my own. And despite being surrounded by many who earnestly told me they cared for me, few were willing to put actions behind those words. 

See, I am not the type of person who willingly shares. It's not an easy process for me to undergo. I hate the thought of burdening others with my problems that seem so insignificant, so I bottle up everything inside until I feel like I'm at my breaking point. And I was at my breaking point almost everyday last summer. I know this is going to sound corny or dramatic, but I just remember practically begging God to make someone notice me. Notice that everything was not okay and somehow know that I desperately needed someone to talk to. And to be honest, no one really did.

Please understand this post is not coming from a place of resentment or bitterness. It's coming from a place of conviction. Because despite having felt such a great need for someone to notice me, I fail on a daily basis to notice others. I hide behind excuses of being too busy, or not having enough time to "adequately" invest in someone. And honestly, all of those excuses are just crap (sorry, sometimes that word is needed). I do have time. I know I do. I'm currently sitting here, writing this post, so obviously I have time in my "oh so busy" schedule to be intentional with others.

I just...I don't want others to feel the way I did. I'm not saying that if someone had pulled me aside one day and asked me "how are you" that it would have magically made everything better, but it would have given me encouragement. Because I think that is the heart of caring for others; encouraging them, giving them hope to face whatever is going on in their life. Hope is such a powerful thing and we have the ability to offer it to others, but we don't. And I don't know why.

Roxie (the housedog) is currently looking at me like I've lost my mind because I am practically punching my keyboard and getting a little fired up. So I'll take a breath from my ranting.

It's just genuine intentionality is so rare to find and I think that means we remember the times we have encountered it. I always remember those people who made an effort to notice me and make me feel comfortable. And I so desire to be that for someone else. Not because I want to be remembered, but because I want to let them know that there is someone out there who is praying for them and offering hope and encouragement. 

We've been talking about this in my bible study and it's been hitting me hard. I have spent the majority of my college years practically ignoring those around me and now that I only have a few short months left, I want to make the most of it. I want to notice them, to listen to what they aren't saying, to be the person they can unload to, to care about them. I don't want to be just another person who doesn't recklessly throw around words with any weight behind them. 

I want to go with intention. 

You Delight in Me and You Call Me Yours

Similar (actually this is pretty much the same post, but with a bit more perspective) to my previous post, I unfortunately have to say that this week did not start off as pleasantly as it could have. I'm beginning to think Monday's hate me.

This self-doubting bug has seemed not only to have bit me, but also made a home in my brain as well. I know it's a gross analogy, but I've never been very good at analogies, so please just accept this one.

Despite finding these past few weeks tiring and a bit full of heartache, I am not unaware of how God is working on me. I have always viewed God as my father. However, I often go through these times where I decide that I am independent and happy enough to not rely as heavily on Him as I know I should. It's almost like I'm saying "Hey God, you know I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I think I can make these decisions and these things on my own right now." 

Yeah, not very great of me. 

And unsurprisingly, it's in these times that I usually end up falling flat on my face. Because to be honest, a lot of brokenness currently and has resided in me at various points in my life. There are many things that I exhibit caution in, but when it comes to my heart, I can be quite reckless with it. And because of that tendency, I end up getting hurt, and with that hurt, self-doubt and lack of worth like to tag along as well, making me one giant, frustrating, blubbering mess. I so often struggle with self-worth. One thought that always seem to be bouncing around in my head is the idea that no one would ever be interested in me. Gosh. Just writing that makes me cringe in so many ways because I know how deeply pathetic that sounds. Nevertheless though, it's true.

About a week or so ago, my roommate told me something that I hold very close to my heart. She told me that one day I would find someone who finds all of my "quirks" adorable. I know it sounds rather vain of me but at the time, I found comfort in these words because I feel like such an oddball most days and the idea that a guy would not only accept those quirks but also love them made me feel hopeful.  And I think part of the reason most of us want to be married or in relationships, is because we so badly desire to have someone who understands and accepts us just as we are.

I think you all probably know where I'm going with this, but I think God is trying to bring me to a place where I realize that I have this already. I have someone who looks at me with love and understanding. Someone who finds my quirks endearing. Which is good since He happens to be the one that made me.

How weird is it to think that the being that created us, not only looks at us with love but also delights in us? Like...He doesn't look at us, shake his head and moan about all the mistakes we make. He doesn't wish that He could just crumple us up and start over again. He delights in us. I have heard that phrase so so SO much, but I feel like today it is starting to impact me in a different way. Or maybe God is softening my heart to accept this as a truth. Either way, it's incredibly comforting and I am deeply thankful for it.

I can't end this post with any concluding idea, mainly since I feel that I've just started this...healing? May I call it that? process. In fact, I feel rather raw and my prayer this week has been that God would literally place his hands over mine and hold my heart together since I can't seem to do a very good job at it. But I can say that not only is this going to bring me closer to God, but it's also teaching me the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not an emotion, but rather a state of mind. And despite how hurt I may feel, how can I not have joy when I have a creator who delights in me? 

What a beautiful thought that is.

Relieving Love

People are beautiful. Sometimes frustrating, sometimes annoying, but always beautiful.

And I forget that too easily.

Why is it so incredibly hard for us to love each other? I know the logical answer, or I should say the "Sunday school" answer: that we are sinful human beings who are fighting against our flesh's desire for selfishness. And that's true. Completely true. However, that doesn't change the fact that I wish it came easier to me than it does.

Lately I've been reading Blue Like Jazz, and let me tell you...that book is blowing my mind. I definitely recommend it. Anywho, there's a part in the book that literally made me just stop and say "what in the world" and then when I really thought about it, I realized that part should not have shocked me. Let me set the scene for you: 

The author of the book is Donald Miller, who I believe at the time was auditing a class at Reed College, which according to him is said to be one of the most "godless" campuses. Miller was a part of a small group of Christians who wanted to do something for God and their community during the annual Ren Fayre, which is basically a weekend of partying and fun. To make a long summary short, they decided to set up a Confession Booth available to anyone who wanted to check it out during the weekend. However, there's a twist. The Confession booth wasn't about these non-believers confessing their sins to believers...it was actually the other way around. The Christians were confessing their sins, and apologizing for the many terrible things that have been done under the name of God and all the ways in which Christians have been lacking.

Wait, what? We should apologize for that stuff? 

It seems so simple right? When I hear about the crusades or even in most recent events, the truly despicable things that Westboro Baptist has done, I've always just written them off as fanatics who completely misunderstood the message of God. People who truly had no idea who He was; people who didn't actually believe in the same God that I do. Here's the thing though, just because I know that, and you may know that...non-believers don't. 

It's no secret that one of the biggest complaints against Christians is that we're hypocritical and judgmental. We hear that all the time. But I wonder, do we ever truly take credit for it? Do we ever actually own up to it?

Along with my Blue Like Jazz kick, I've also been somewhat obsessed with documentaries lately. I watched One Nation Under God and Beware of Christians, and it saddened me so much to listen to what people had to say about us. Not because it was hard to hear (although it was) it was more because all I wanted to do while watching was to run to them and reassure them that Jesus loves them so much more than they could every imagine and I felt like I had to apologize for myself and my fellow believers for misrepresenting and skewing that.

I was in the shelter of Christianity my whole life. Raised in church, went to a Christian school from fourth grade to senior year. Before coming to SU, I don't think I realized how truly judgmental I could be to non-Christians. I judged them for partying and drinking. I judged them for not caring about others. Just thinking about it, makes me so annoyed at myself because I had no right, and will never, have the right to judge others. I am a mess. I am full of brokenness and hurt and pain. I need God in all areas of my life. My weaknesses may never be with partying or drinking, but that doesn't mean I don't fall and stumble on a consistent basis with other sins. And it took a lot for me to finally realize that I needed to get over myself. I needed to stop being such a brat and truly love those around me.

I'm just going to be honest, I am really bad at loving others. Or let me re-phrase that. I love people. Like I said above, people to me are absolutely beautiful. But I have the tendency, once they hurt me or reject me, to reject them. I close off and I'm done. I can be entirely without grace. Isn't that just a bunch of silliness? I mean I believe in a God who is full of grace. I have done SO many things that has done little to warrant any grace from Him, but He freely gives it. So why can't I do the same?

It's because I let my own problems and struggles get in the way of loving others. But the whole point of love, is to be there for that person through whatever. The good, bad and ugly. Through the flaws. Because that's what we all are. Flawed, imperfect people. And I forget that so much. I forget that I am a flawed human being who is only alive through the grace of God. So how can I go throughout life, rejecting those who reject me, hating those who put up a fight and shunning those who hurt me? Genuine love goes beyond that. Genuine love is seeing past that and to the person inside who is lost and scared and in desperate need of a God who will love them unconditionally.

Recently I started attending a new church. I think I'm a bit of a church hopper. However, I do think I've found a home in this church. Not because it is without flaws, or has the perfect worship band and pastor. It's because of the overwhelming sense of community and love I felt upon entering that place. It is breathtaking to witness a church of believers who genuinely live out this kind of love. Not only is it a beautiful thing to witness as a fellow believer, but it is truly encouraging to be a recipient of this love. And I desire SO much to be the kind of person who loves others above myself. Above my selfish desires.

Gosh. I don't even know what this post has become. It's definitely not what I intended to write about. It just kind of had a mind of it's own. Hopefully though, this has made some sort of sense.

I Just Want to Stay Here, Here Where I Belong.

God's presence. Oh my goodness. Is there anything more beautiful than experiencing it?

I really don't think there is. It's just so fulfilling, you know? So full of peace and just...rightness. I'm not even sure rightness is a word, but I'm going to use it anyways. It's just so wonderful. The way it makes me feel...it's like seeing the boy you're in love with. That feeling of nervous butterflies that consumes you so much you can't even form a coherent thought. It's just like that. At least for me. And last Thursday, I experienced that presence in a way I have always wanted too: by crying. I know that sounds weird, but I've always wanted to cry in God's presence and I rarely do. I closed my eyes and felt His presence in such a tangible way. I could practically feel Him hugging me and calming all of my insecurities. I've been a Christian all of my life and I've never felt something like that before. But let me tell you, it's such a beautiful, wonderful amazing thing.

And it's in these moments that I get it. I finally get what it means to fall in love with Him everyday.

Guys, God is just so good. I could fill pages and pages of words describing Him, but never get close to accurately describing how perfect He is. I am completely blown away by Him. And the beauty of my relationships rests in the knowledge that He wants me. To him, I am enough. And I can't tell you how much that means to me. 

See, I've never really "fit in" anywhere. I've walked through countless circles of friends, but I've never found a place where I belong, as pathetic as that sounds. I'm just either too much or too little. Too outspoken in my opinions or too soft-spoken and forgettable. And truly, for once I am not writing this from a place of self-pity or victimization. It's just kind of a fact. A fact that I am becoming quite okay with. I've learned so much from it. I've learned what it means to be independent and most importantly, what it means to truly rely on God.

He is literally my everything.

He is my father, comforting me with soft words of encouragement and love, when I feel worthless and not good enough. As weird as it may sound, he is my husband when I'm having car troubles or feeling not so pretty. And most importantly, he is my best friend when it feels like I have no one. He listens to me. He gives me advice and I truly believe that He laughs with me.

I am blessed beyond belief to experience this. I mean, seriously. Have you ever thought of how incredibly blessed we are to experience His love? It's crazy. And I am so thankful for all of it.

Acts 2:44

Have you ever taken a second to think about how many sermons in church are based off the idea of servant hood? Or how there always seems to be hundreds and hundreds of volunteer opportunities that it's almost overwhelming to think about? I wonder why that is. Why do so many of the messages we hear seem to revolve around that one idea?

I think it's because so many of us have yet to fully grasp the true meaning of servant hood.

I feel like a hypocrite even writing about this because I used to be extremely bitter towards any message on serving. In my mind, it wasn't preached with good intentions, but rather as a ploy from the church to get more volunteers. In hindsight I realize that much of what I felt was a result of how burned out I was. I was volunteering for too many things at one time and blamed it on the church instead of myself. Which, sidenote, don't do that. Volunteering for 80,000 things does not make you a better Christian than someone else, or make you holier than someone else. Just volunteer for what you feel called to do. Otherwise, you will get burnt out and you will hate everything.

Anywho.

I think (like so many other things) we've let American ideals blend together with Christian principles. And that is rarely a good thing. As society we're told to help others, but there's always some sort of hidden agenda within it. And our culture encourages that principle. There always has to be some kind of reward or recognition that comes with our seemingly selfless act. I think, as Christians, we've kind of adopted this idea. We've created this... expectancy when serving others. We can deny it until we're absolutely out of breath, but it exists. I realized that there are so many times I serve others with some hidden intention in my heart. Whether it be recognition or the security that the person I'm serving will one day return the favor, the expectancy exists. And I hate it.

This is completely not how I'm supposed to serve others. This isn't how we are supposed to serve others. I want to serve someone out of a joyful and willing heart. I don't want them to feel obligated to me. I don't want to expect something in return.

(and again, I think I'm making too many generalizations here because I have met so many Christians who serve others entirely out of genuine love for God)

I think I've come to the point in this blog where I've completely overused this example, but the church in Acts guys. Oh my goodness. Is there a better example? THEY GAVE UP THEIR LAND FOR ONE ANOTHER. What in the world? This blows my mind EVERY time I read it! I can't seem to get over it. That's what true servant hood looks like. Helping out of the genuine love you have for God and others. 

I want to serve in love. I want to serve others because I have so much love for Jesus that it just pours out into every area of my life and I won't be able to physically stop helping others. No expectations. No rewards. Just genuine love and care for others.

A Reckless Love too Wild to Understand

Reckless: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless".

There's just something about the word "reckless" that instantly sets my heart beating fast. Maybe it's just because I fancy myself a reckless person in some aspects of my life...or maybe it's just the idea of it and what I think about when I hear or see that word.

Regardless of what comes to mind, I cannot think of a better word to describe the love we should have for God. I know it may seem wrong, especially since the word reckless is used to label so many negative things, but it just seems so...right to me. I honestly can't think of a more perfect, or fitting word for it.

Think about it: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences...without caution". Can you imagine how many things we would do for Jesus if we were completely unconcerned about the consequences? We wouldn't care what society says about us, or what our friends would think about us. We would just do. We would do it out of this crazy, irrpresable love we have for Him and nothing would be able to stop us.

How amazing would that be?!
 
Having a reckless love for Him means putting aside the insecurities or fears we may have and going after Him in full abandonment. It's complete surrender. I want that. I want to be recklessly in love with Him. I want to be completely surrendered to His will that no matter what He calls me to do or where He calls me, that I would go and do without a second thought. 

There's not much else I can really say about this other than just think about it. Think about how truly free we would be if we allowed ourselves to let go and recklessly loved Him with everything we had. It would be crazy. The kind of crazy that our world needs. The kind of crazy that Jesus delights in. 

I hope that this isn't coming across as judgmental or preachy. I, myself, have trouble letting go. The idea of being recklessly abandoned to God is terrifying. But...it's also kind of really exciting. And I just really can't wait til I can get to this point and be used by God without holding back. 

I think it'd be kind of fantastic.

Oh! This whole post was very much inspired by Up in Arms by Hillsong United. So here's a link. Listen to it because not only are the lyrics wonderful, but the music is so on point:

Agape--> or lack of it.

Have you noticed how little love there is between Christians today? Actually, let me be more specific, have you noticed how little genuine love there is between Christians today? 

This has been something that has been brewing in my heart for quite some time now and again, please forgive me if it comes out incoherently. But I've noticed we place such an emphasis on loving the lost, which is great and all, but I feel as though we've lost the emphasis of loving each other. 

It's easy to love unbelievers. We see them as lost souls; we don't look at their outsides. But we look at each other on a different level. Since we are secure in each others salvation, for some reason it gives us leeway to judge each other based off of appearances and personality.  And if you don't match the criteria, then...oh well. You're ignored. And the best part? We don't have to feel that guilty about ignoring you because you're already saved!

What irritates the living daylights out of me is when we say, "we really need to show the love of God to others" or "We need to reach out in love to the unbelievers on campus". Isn't it just a wee bit hypocritical of us to say that when we can't even have real fellowship and love between our "brothers & sisters in Christ"?

What happens when you save a non-believer? What should happen is that you maintain a steady relationship with them and help grow each other. However, the reality is, if you aren't exciting enough then you're left alone. That isn't right. How many people do you think have walked away from God because they were ignored and treated like crap at a Christian event? What about people who are depressed, who have contemplated suicide because they feel so lonely and no one will reach out to them? What about the fact that people feel inadequate and unworthy because they don't feel good enough to be part of this "Christian elite" group? How is this what Jesus wants of us? 

I came to Salisbury to find that strong genuine fellowship that I feel like I've been lacking and honestly? I could probably count the number on my hand of genuine Christian people who have actually taken the time to reach out and get to know me. It's ridiculous. It almost makes me hate Christians and I am one! Honestly, I feel like non-believers are more genuine and accepting of me then most of the Christians I've met here. 

I know this post is coming off whiny and I'm sorry. But it just...blows my mind. I'm so frustrated. Being around Christians is where we should feel the most loved. Where we feel so at home. It should be like a strong bond. Instead Christians have taken to judging each other and becoming incredibly cliquey and just plain snobby. 

Maybe for once we should take our focus off of others, and direct it onto ourselves. Would Jesus really be pleased with the way we act towards each other? Would He really be proud of the love we have towards each other?


We always talk about how radical it is to love the lost...wouldn't it be radical if we learned to actually love each other?