My Lover

My lover is an enigma

Strong as a tempest,

Soft as a whisper

A man of his craft,

With work worn, calloused hands

My lover is unassuming.

A pillar of hope

My lover is a guide

Tethering my wayfaring soul to His

Chivalrous and wild,

Opening doors I never could

My lover is a gentleman

Loving the heart

And not the size

Directing a symphony

Of color and light

That greets me every morning

My lover is an artist

Unfailing and generous,

My lover is unexpected

And He is welcome.

Goodbyes Aren't My Thing

I'm not good with endings. I never have been. In fact, I am so terrible with them, that most times I don't allow myself to fully enjoy an event because I know it will soon be over. 

Yeah, I'm that ridiculous. So you can imagine just how terribly sad I am that my life as a college student has come to an end. 

When I was a student, I complained about my seemingly impossible workload (19 credit semester? was I attempting to kill myself?). Looking back now, I see just how easy I had it. College is such a special time. It's like a safe bubble; a four year (or five in my case) break from reality. Yes, it can be challenging, but in comparison to the "real world"? It's a joyous walk through a whimsical forest (analogies also aren't my thing). And one that I am insanely blessed and grateful to have experienced. 

I'd like to say this, Salisbury University is never where I thought I'd end up. Never in a million years did I think I would attend a "party" school and major in Communications of all things. But I am so glad I did. I needed to be shaken up. I needed to be driven out of my comfort zone. And most of all, I desperately needed to get over myself. 

I've experienced so much here that it's almost overwhelming. I don't feel that my words can do it justice. But, I am determined. So in an entirely cliched and cheesy way, I'd like to share a few lessons that I've learned and taken to heart:

1. Girl Friendships are Great
This one seems silly, but let me explain. Before this year, I always prided myself on the fact that I got along "better" with guys. To me, girls meant drama, gossip and thinly veiled barbs. Funnily enough, though, I've realized the majority of my close friendships this year have been with girls. I think, often times, we girls can intimidate one another. And that intimidation can lead to false judgement and jealousy of one another. I know this is true in my case. Many of the girls that I now love dearly, I was terrified of first. Now they've become my closest confidants, the people I run to when I need help. They have encouraged me, loved me, offered such wise advice and made my relationship with God so much stronger.

2. Do Things Alone
Before coming to college, I used to think I was independent. However, it wasn't until I lived on my own that I realized just how dependent I actually was on others. I am not, by nature, an introvert. I love people. Being around them is energizing to me. So the thought of doing things by myself terrified me. I wish I could say it was bravery that finally got me going, but in all honesty it was boredom. I was bored and tired of waiting on people to do things with me. So I started doing them by myself. I took long drives and explored the many beautiful places that the Eastern Shore has to offer. I tried out different local coffee shops and spent time thinking, writing, and spending time with God. And before I knew it, I fell in love with those moments. If you haven't taken to doing things on your own yet, I deeply encourage you to do so. There is so much value in them. 

3. Be Pleasing to God, Not People
This is a tough one. And one that I am still continuing to learn. Basically it's this, people don't matter. Well they do, but their opinions don't. You can't please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. This is hard for me. I have this compulsive need to please everyone and to make sure everyone is happy. This is wrong for many reasons, one being that I need to allow people to feel the things they do. If they're sad, they should be sad. It's not that I can't comfort them, but it's not fair for me to tell them how to feel. And most importantly, my goal on this earth is not to please others. I am not meant to be here for other people's desires. My purpose is to live for God and live a life that is pleasing to Him. People come and go, but God is forever loving and constant.

4. Be Open//Be Vulnerable
This is another difficult one. I've mentioned this in previous posts, but vulnerability is not my strong suit. To me, being open means being more susceptible to pain. And like any human, I try to avoid pain as much as possible. But if this past year has taught me anything, it's that vulnerability is a wonderful thing. Yes, it can lead to pain. And that pain will hurt. Quite a bit. But it can also lead to humility and compassion. Pushing people away and living with a jaded, cynical heart results in nothing good. Maybe you avoid pain, but you also lose the chance of connecting with and loving others in the way that God calls us to. And when you let others see you, that's when the real beauty begins.

5. Walk in Love
The media always portrays the extreme side of things, especially in regards to Christianity. On one side, we have preachers and politicians spouting off ridiculous, hateful things. And on the other side, we have people preaching total acceptance and tolerance of all things. Both sides presume to speak for the majority of Christians. However, I refuse to let the beliefs of others become my own. All I know is that I will strive to love others as God has loved me. He looks at me with new grace and mercy every morning and it's my goal to view others in the same way.

And that's it. Like I said above, there are so many things I could talk about, that it's overwhelming. Though this is long, it only grazes the surface of the past three years. I cherish these lessons and the memories I've made here. It sounds dramatic, but it's with a heavy heart that I leave this place. Salisbury has been my home, my place of safety and escape for the past years and I can't imagine leaving it. But I also know that I have to.

Salisbury will always be my home. I've made roots here. And I'll always look back at it with a fondness and love that may seem ridiculous to others. However, this is not my only place to grow roots in. The world is huge. The opportunities? Endless. I know it won't be easy. In fact, I'm told the transition after college is extremely difficult and I can already feel myself struggling to find my identity. It will be hard. I'll have times of sadness, joy, extreme nostalgia and the desire to go back to the "good ole' days". But I'm hopeful and I'm excited. Because I know that I still have so many things to learn and do. And God's going to be there every step of the way.

So thanks, Salisbury. You've been amazing and I'll miss you very much. 

You Delight in Me and You Call Me Yours

Similar (actually this is pretty much the same post, but with a bit more perspective) to my previous post, I unfortunately have to say that this week did not start off as pleasantly as it could have. I'm beginning to think Monday's hate me.

This self-doubting bug has seemed not only to have bit me, but also made a home in my brain as well. I know it's a gross analogy, but I've never been very good at analogies, so please just accept this one.

Despite finding these past few weeks tiring and a bit full of heartache, I am not unaware of how God is working on me. I have always viewed God as my father. However, I often go through these times where I decide that I am independent and happy enough to not rely as heavily on Him as I know I should. It's almost like I'm saying "Hey God, you know I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I think I can make these decisions and these things on my own right now." 

Yeah, not very great of me. 

And unsurprisingly, it's in these times that I usually end up falling flat on my face. Because to be honest, a lot of brokenness currently and has resided in me at various points in my life. There are many things that I exhibit caution in, but when it comes to my heart, I can be quite reckless with it. And because of that tendency, I end up getting hurt, and with that hurt, self-doubt and lack of worth like to tag along as well, making me one giant, frustrating, blubbering mess. I so often struggle with self-worth. One thought that always seem to be bouncing around in my head is the idea that no one would ever be interested in me. Gosh. Just writing that makes me cringe in so many ways because I know how deeply pathetic that sounds. Nevertheless though, it's true.

About a week or so ago, my roommate told me something that I hold very close to my heart. She told me that one day I would find someone who finds all of my "quirks" adorable. I know it sounds rather vain of me but at the time, I found comfort in these words because I feel like such an oddball most days and the idea that a guy would not only accept those quirks but also love them made me feel hopeful.  And I think part of the reason most of us want to be married or in relationships, is because we so badly desire to have someone who understands and accepts us just as we are.

I think you all probably know where I'm going with this, but I think God is trying to bring me to a place where I realize that I have this already. I have someone who looks at me with love and understanding. Someone who finds my quirks endearing. Which is good since He happens to be the one that made me.

How weird is it to think that the being that created us, not only looks at us with love but also delights in us? Like...He doesn't look at us, shake his head and moan about all the mistakes we make. He doesn't wish that He could just crumple us up and start over again. He delights in us. I have heard that phrase so so SO much, but I feel like today it is starting to impact me in a different way. Or maybe God is softening my heart to accept this as a truth. Either way, it's incredibly comforting and I am deeply thankful for it.

I can't end this post with any concluding idea, mainly since I feel that I've just started this...healing? May I call it that? process. In fact, I feel rather raw and my prayer this week has been that God would literally place his hands over mine and hold my heart together since I can't seem to do a very good job at it. But I can say that not only is this going to bring me closer to God, but it's also teaching me the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not an emotion, but rather a state of mind. And despite how hurt I may feel, how can I not have joy when I have a creator who delights in me? 

What a beautiful thought that is.

Relieving Love

People are beautiful. Sometimes frustrating, sometimes annoying, but always beautiful.

And I forget that too easily.

Why is it so incredibly hard for us to love each other? I know the logical answer, or I should say the "Sunday school" answer: that we are sinful human beings who are fighting against our flesh's desire for selfishness. And that's true. Completely true. However, that doesn't change the fact that I wish it came easier to me than it does.

Lately I've been reading Blue Like Jazz, and let me tell you...that book is blowing my mind. I definitely recommend it. Anywho, there's a part in the book that literally made me just stop and say "what in the world" and then when I really thought about it, I realized that part should not have shocked me. Let me set the scene for you: 

The author of the book is Donald Miller, who I believe at the time was auditing a class at Reed College, which according to him is said to be one of the most "godless" campuses. Miller was a part of a small group of Christians who wanted to do something for God and their community during the annual Ren Fayre, which is basically a weekend of partying and fun. To make a long summary short, they decided to set up a Confession Booth available to anyone who wanted to check it out during the weekend. However, there's a twist. The Confession booth wasn't about these non-believers confessing their sins to believers...it was actually the other way around. The Christians were confessing their sins, and apologizing for the many terrible things that have been done under the name of God and all the ways in which Christians have been lacking.

Wait, what? We should apologize for that stuff? 

It seems so simple right? When I hear about the crusades or even in most recent events, the truly despicable things that Westboro Baptist has done, I've always just written them off as fanatics who completely misunderstood the message of God. People who truly had no idea who He was; people who didn't actually believe in the same God that I do. Here's the thing though, just because I know that, and you may know that...non-believers don't. 

It's no secret that one of the biggest complaints against Christians is that we're hypocritical and judgmental. We hear that all the time. But I wonder, do we ever truly take credit for it? Do we ever actually own up to it?

Along with my Blue Like Jazz kick, I've also been somewhat obsessed with documentaries lately. I watched One Nation Under God and Beware of Christians, and it saddened me so much to listen to what people had to say about us. Not because it was hard to hear (although it was) it was more because all I wanted to do while watching was to run to them and reassure them that Jesus loves them so much more than they could every imagine and I felt like I had to apologize for myself and my fellow believers for misrepresenting and skewing that.

I was in the shelter of Christianity my whole life. Raised in church, went to a Christian school from fourth grade to senior year. Before coming to SU, I don't think I realized how truly judgmental I could be to non-Christians. I judged them for partying and drinking. I judged them for not caring about others. Just thinking about it, makes me so annoyed at myself because I had no right, and will never, have the right to judge others. I am a mess. I am full of brokenness and hurt and pain. I need God in all areas of my life. My weaknesses may never be with partying or drinking, but that doesn't mean I don't fall and stumble on a consistent basis with other sins. And it took a lot for me to finally realize that I needed to get over myself. I needed to stop being such a brat and truly love those around me.

I'm just going to be honest, I am really bad at loving others. Or let me re-phrase that. I love people. Like I said above, people to me are absolutely beautiful. But I have the tendency, once they hurt me or reject me, to reject them. I close off and I'm done. I can be entirely without grace. Isn't that just a bunch of silliness? I mean I believe in a God who is full of grace. I have done SO many things that has done little to warrant any grace from Him, but He freely gives it. So why can't I do the same?

It's because I let my own problems and struggles get in the way of loving others. But the whole point of love, is to be there for that person through whatever. The good, bad and ugly. Through the flaws. Because that's what we all are. Flawed, imperfect people. And I forget that so much. I forget that I am a flawed human being who is only alive through the grace of God. So how can I go throughout life, rejecting those who reject me, hating those who put up a fight and shunning those who hurt me? Genuine love goes beyond that. Genuine love is seeing past that and to the person inside who is lost and scared and in desperate need of a God who will love them unconditionally.

Recently I started attending a new church. I think I'm a bit of a church hopper. However, I do think I've found a home in this church. Not because it is without flaws, or has the perfect worship band and pastor. It's because of the overwhelming sense of community and love I felt upon entering that place. It is breathtaking to witness a church of believers who genuinely live out this kind of love. Not only is it a beautiful thing to witness as a fellow believer, but it is truly encouraging to be a recipient of this love. And I desire SO much to be the kind of person who loves others above myself. Above my selfish desires.

Gosh. I don't even know what this post has become. It's definitely not what I intended to write about. It just kind of had a mind of it's own. Hopefully though, this has made some sort of sense.

A Reckless Love too Wild to Understand

Reckless: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless".

There's just something about the word "reckless" that instantly sets my heart beating fast. Maybe it's just because I fancy myself a reckless person in some aspects of my life...or maybe it's just the idea of it and what I think about when I hear or see that word.

Regardless of what comes to mind, I cannot think of a better word to describe the love we should have for God. I know it may seem wrong, especially since the word reckless is used to label so many negative things, but it just seems so...right to me. I honestly can't think of a more perfect, or fitting word for it.

Think about it: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences...without caution". Can you imagine how many things we would do for Jesus if we were completely unconcerned about the consequences? We wouldn't care what society says about us, or what our friends would think about us. We would just do. We would do it out of this crazy, irrpresable love we have for Him and nothing would be able to stop us.

How amazing would that be?!
 
Having a reckless love for Him means putting aside the insecurities or fears we may have and going after Him in full abandonment. It's complete surrender. I want that. I want to be recklessly in love with Him. I want to be completely surrendered to His will that no matter what He calls me to do or where He calls me, that I would go and do without a second thought. 

There's not much else I can really say about this other than just think about it. Think about how truly free we would be if we allowed ourselves to let go and recklessly loved Him with everything we had. It would be crazy. The kind of crazy that our world needs. The kind of crazy that Jesus delights in. 

I hope that this isn't coming across as judgmental or preachy. I, myself, have trouble letting go. The idea of being recklessly abandoned to God is terrifying. But...it's also kind of really exciting. And I just really can't wait til I can get to this point and be used by God without holding back. 

I think it'd be kind of fantastic.

Oh! This whole post was very much inspired by Up in Arms by Hillsong United. So here's a link. Listen to it because not only are the lyrics wonderful, but the music is so on point: