Relieving Love

People are beautiful. Sometimes frustrating, sometimes annoying, but always beautiful.

And I forget that too easily.

Why is it so incredibly hard for us to love each other? I know the logical answer, or I should say the "Sunday school" answer: that we are sinful human beings who are fighting against our flesh's desire for selfishness. And that's true. Completely true. However, that doesn't change the fact that I wish it came easier to me than it does.

Lately I've been reading Blue Like Jazz, and let me tell you...that book is blowing my mind. I definitely recommend it. Anywho, there's a part in the book that literally made me just stop and say "what in the world" and then when I really thought about it, I realized that part should not have shocked me. Let me set the scene for you: 

The author of the book is Donald Miller, who I believe at the time was auditing a class at Reed College, which according to him is said to be one of the most "godless" campuses. Miller was a part of a small group of Christians who wanted to do something for God and their community during the annual Ren Fayre, which is basically a weekend of partying and fun. To make a long summary short, they decided to set up a Confession Booth available to anyone who wanted to check it out during the weekend. However, there's a twist. The Confession booth wasn't about these non-believers confessing their sins to believers...it was actually the other way around. The Christians were confessing their sins, and apologizing for the many terrible things that have been done under the name of God and all the ways in which Christians have been lacking.

Wait, what? We should apologize for that stuff? 

It seems so simple right? When I hear about the crusades or even in most recent events, the truly despicable things that Westboro Baptist has done, I've always just written them off as fanatics who completely misunderstood the message of God. People who truly had no idea who He was; people who didn't actually believe in the same God that I do. Here's the thing though, just because I know that, and you may know that...non-believers don't. 

It's no secret that one of the biggest complaints against Christians is that we're hypocritical and judgmental. We hear that all the time. But I wonder, do we ever truly take credit for it? Do we ever actually own up to it?

Along with my Blue Like Jazz kick, I've also been somewhat obsessed with documentaries lately. I watched One Nation Under God and Beware of Christians, and it saddened me so much to listen to what people had to say about us. Not because it was hard to hear (although it was) it was more because all I wanted to do while watching was to run to them and reassure them that Jesus loves them so much more than they could every imagine and I felt like I had to apologize for myself and my fellow believers for misrepresenting and skewing that.

I was in the shelter of Christianity my whole life. Raised in church, went to a Christian school from fourth grade to senior year. Before coming to SU, I don't think I realized how truly judgmental I could be to non-Christians. I judged them for partying and drinking. I judged them for not caring about others. Just thinking about it, makes me so annoyed at myself because I had no right, and will never, have the right to judge others. I am a mess. I am full of brokenness and hurt and pain. I need God in all areas of my life. My weaknesses may never be with partying or drinking, but that doesn't mean I don't fall and stumble on a consistent basis with other sins. And it took a lot for me to finally realize that I needed to get over myself. I needed to stop being such a brat and truly love those around me.

I'm just going to be honest, I am really bad at loving others. Or let me re-phrase that. I love people. Like I said above, people to me are absolutely beautiful. But I have the tendency, once they hurt me or reject me, to reject them. I close off and I'm done. I can be entirely without grace. Isn't that just a bunch of silliness? I mean I believe in a God who is full of grace. I have done SO many things that has done little to warrant any grace from Him, but He freely gives it. So why can't I do the same?

It's because I let my own problems and struggles get in the way of loving others. But the whole point of love, is to be there for that person through whatever. The good, bad and ugly. Through the flaws. Because that's what we all are. Flawed, imperfect people. And I forget that so much. I forget that I am a flawed human being who is only alive through the grace of God. So how can I go throughout life, rejecting those who reject me, hating those who put up a fight and shunning those who hurt me? Genuine love goes beyond that. Genuine love is seeing past that and to the person inside who is lost and scared and in desperate need of a God who will love them unconditionally.

Recently I started attending a new church. I think I'm a bit of a church hopper. However, I do think I've found a home in this church. Not because it is without flaws, or has the perfect worship band and pastor. It's because of the overwhelming sense of community and love I felt upon entering that place. It is breathtaking to witness a church of believers who genuinely live out this kind of love. Not only is it a beautiful thing to witness as a fellow believer, but it is truly encouraging to be a recipient of this love. And I desire SO much to be the kind of person who loves others above myself. Above my selfish desires.

Gosh. I don't even know what this post has become. It's definitely not what I intended to write about. It just kind of had a mind of it's own. Hopefully though, this has made some sort of sense.

Life is a Gift of Fresh Cut Roses (or in other words, a typical look into the mind of a young adult facing an unknown future)

I was listening to "With Everything" by Hillsong the other day and as I was, a memory flashed through my mind. 

I was at youth group and we were watching a video of Hillsong performing (probably not the right word) one of their songs. As I watched, I remember feeling this desire grow in me, this...sense of purpose.  I remember thinking, "this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant for something like this." I was incredibly confident.

How far I've come from where I used to be. 

When I was fifteen, I knew I wanted to do something in ministry. When I was sixteen, I began telling people I was going to be a youth pastor. 

I had, definitely still have, a passion for teenagers. I think they are often overlooked and underestimated, but if any age group is going to change the world, it's going to be them. I say that with all the sincerity I can muster. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. At the time, I was going to go to Covenant, a beautiful Christian college literally on top of a mountain. I even was going to room with two girls that were in my class. But that wasn't the plan God had for me. I ended up staying home for two years, going to a community college, something I never wanted to do, but something that definitely humbled me. During those two years, I went through the transition of student to youth leader. It's impossible to go through that process without any awkwardness, especially if you happened to grow up in that ministry, as I had. Despite the awkwardness, I fell in love with it. The teens were just so different. So full of genuine love for God that it always blew my mind. I completely fell in love with them, and I firmly believe that they are one amazingly special group of teens. I loved everything about being a youth leader. Eventually, I knew that everything wouldn't continue to be so rosy. I knew eventually things would come to a head. And they did. Unfortunate events happened, events that caused me to become very bitter and hardened. Events that I am still trying to find complete closure on, and am working towards moving on from them with forgiveness and love.

Anywho.

Despite this, my desire to be in ministry didn't fade; it just became more broad. I ended up at Salisbury University, a plan that I sometimes still ask God about. 


It's funny, really. When I thought about what I wanted to write about in my next post, this wasn't it. Not really. I'm actually sort of at a loss right now of where I want to go with this. It's kinda of just flown from my mind to my fingers. 

I had intended to talk about my current job. How I am very grateful for it, but still feel the unending tugging of restlessness. However, I don't think I am going to talk about that, because I think I'm beginning to realize that this feeling of restlessness goes hand-in-hand with the young adult mindset.

I'm not going to lie. I am a restless person. I am a lover of change, a chaser of recklessness and adventure. However, every young adult reaches that point in their life where they are faced with their future, and go towards it with uncertainty and fear. It's normal, I suppose. And something I don't think that can be avoided.

 One thing I am certain of is that I've changed. In some good ways, and in some not so good ways, such as the nature of change goes. But that's the beauty of change isn't it? How unpredictable it can be, and how it is a constant learning process. I know that I have become stronger, more independent, and more "aware" of who I am. When I was younger, growing up in church, whatever was given to me I would take. Many times, I wouldn't think for myself, I would take what was said to me by my Sunday school teachers and youth leaders at face value. Which isn't necessarily wrong, but there is something incredibly uplifting and good about discovering things for yourself. You don't always have to agree with what someone tells you. If you disagree, look it up. Explore it. Hold it up to the Bible. Form an opinion based on that. Not by what someone tells you. I've learned a lot about myself here at Salisbury. I am discovering more about who I am: things that I find joy in, my strengths, what sets me apart, and new found passions (for example: my views on the modern church). At the same time, I'm also discovering the more ugly aspects of my personality. The capacity I have for selfishness and jealously, and an ever-growing lists of fears and insecurities.

One thing though that has remained the same is that desire for ministry. Whatever it may be, missions, youth pastor, camp counselor even, I know that I need to be involved in it some way. As I mentioned right above, I've let space, jealously and insecurities cloud that, but my desire still remains strong. I suppose this relates to what I originally wanted to write about, but I just...I don't want to spend my life working job after job. I want to do something I'm passionate about. Like everyone else my age! I know how unrealistic it is, but I could truly care less about making money. If I have enough to get through the day, I'll be okay with that. I know I can be a ball of stress and anxiety, but I'm slowly working on letting go and trusting God. 

I just, I want so much more. Since I was a teen, I've wanted to impact the world in some small way and as silly as it may sound, I'm getting older. I'm not guaranteed any day and I feel like I haven't done anything. At least not anything significant. 

I have to apologize because it's nearly 1am and I am running on less than four hours of sleep from the previous night, and I know that this is all pretty much just a long nonsensical list of ramblings. Ramblings that almost everyone has gone through, are going through, or will go through at one point in their lives. 

I just want to get out there and do something. You know?

It's funny because I am the happiest, the most joyful, the most content when I'm sitting with a group of people, discussing things about God. I imagine a life filled with that. Pouring out as much love as I can on those precious, beautiful people in third world countries whose faith and resilience will always blow my mind. I imagine talking and hanging out with a bunch of teens, and telling all of them how wonderful they are. How they can change the world; how important they are and to never feel worthless. And I imagine not having a typical life. I imagine spending my life doing something good. Something for God. 

Something fearless. Something I'm meant to do.
  

 



 

We Just Want the Fire in Our Bones

I think I've firmly established that I'm a bit of an oddball.

So with that said it should come as no surprise that passages like the valley of dry bones and ones that almost seem to be yelling or scolding are the ones that inspire me the most.

One of my favorite verses is Romans 13:11
 "You know what sort of times we live in, and so you should live properly. It is time to wake up. You know that the day when we will be saved is nearer than when we first put our faith in the Lord. Night is almost over, and day will soon appear. We must stop behaving as people do in the dark and be ready to live in the light."

Guys. This verse is awesome and it just cuts straight to the heart. Like there is no messing around with this verse. No way to interpret it into something other than a wake up call.

I've already mentioned how I feel about the modern church. Now I want to talk about us. Modern Christians.

Can I just first say...what in the world is wrong with us?!

We've become so tolerant of pratically everything in our society. We don't take a stand for anything anymore. And if we do, the majority of the time it's looked down on by other Christians or something that is completely not in line with what the Bible says.

For example. Gay marriage. Yes, I am going there. I'm sorry I can't help it. It honestly blows my mind how Christians can stand up for gay marriage. How have we gotten to a point that we not only tolerate, but support something that goes completely against what is written in the Bible? Ok. I'll stop because that whole thing frustrates me to no end and I don't want to go off on a whole other tangent.

We're so full of fear it's ridiculous. I am so full of fear it's ridiculous.  And I don't understand why. There really is nothing to be afraid of. What's the worst thing that can happen to us? Death? Oh well. We get Heaven...so it's kind of a win-win. But I find that in so many situations I hold my beliefs back because I am afraid. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing this.

Our nation is literally going into such a gross place and are we really just going to sit back and let it all happen because we don't want to offend anyone? When was the last time we've all come together to stand up against something that is wrong and stuck with it? Most times we're all just talk but when it comes to actually facing the consequences we get too afraid to continue. Do we even come together for anything anymore? Another weird favorite verse of mine is Revelation 19:5-6:
"From the throne a voice said, 'If you worship and fear our God, give praise to Him, no matter who you are.' Then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together. They were saying: 'Praise the Lord! Our Lord God All-Powerful now rules as king.'"

My favorite part of those verses is "then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together". Can you imagine how amazing and powerful it would be if we all came together as one to praise God? Dude. It would be insane.

Unfortunately we let petty differences like denominations, churches, and different views keep us from ever being unified, and because of that, we've lost so much of the influence we could have.

I mentioned above that the valley of dry bones inspires me. If you haven't read it (and I definitely recommend reading it), it's about God taking Ezekiel to a valley that if full of dry bones. The Lord asks him if the dry bones can ever be made into living people again. He instructs Ezekiel to speak a prophetic message to them, saying the Lord will breathe life into them and make them live again. They eventually come to life again and the Lord says:

“Son of man, these bones represent the people of Israel. They are saying, ‘We have become old, dry bones—all hope is gone. Our nation is finished.’  Therefore, prophesy to them and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I will open your graves of exile and cause you to rise again. Then I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ When this happens, O my people, you will know that I am the Lord.  I will put my Spirit in you, and you will live again and return home to your own land. Then you will know that I, the Lord, have spoken, and I have done what I said. Yes, the Lord has spoken!’”
Ezekiel 37:11-14

I think many of us are like that today. There are many of us and we have the potential but we've let ourselves become dried up and dead in our faith. 

We need a breath of life in our bones.

 

This Is Not My Home.

"This is not our home". "We are not of this world".

We hear these phrases over and over again. In sermons, from believers, there's even a clothing and accessory place dedicated to this phrase. Seriously, I can't count the number of times I've heard this and just been like "yeah, yeah I get it". But lately I feel like I'm actually starting to get it.

And I'm starting to get a wee bit restless.

I was lying on the pavement last night in a near empty church parking lot (I am such an odd human) and thinking about this. If this place isn't my home, then why am I investing so much into it? Why am I spending all this time and energy to get a degree that will hopefully get me a good job? Like a degree and a good job isn't going to matter in heaven! Oh gracious. Okay. I'm getting all fired up just thinking about this again. I'll try to calm down a bit.

Ok so here's my thing. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know how extremely blessed I am to be able to go to college. Seriously. I.AM.SO.BLESSED. But I can't help but feeling like I'm wasting my time here. And yes. I know what the answer is to this "feeling". "God has you where he wants you" "God will use you in your job and at school" or "we don't have to go the Africa to change the world" (my personal favorite). I'm not trying to put those down. They're perfectly valid. Actually...are they?

I'm going to get a little more touchy here, but what if those answers aren't exactly right? What if they're kind sorta excuses we tell ourselves to feel more comfortable with our lives? I mean...what about the early church? They went out into the world, without fear, and shared the gospel. Without any thought of a "comfortable" life. They were legit world changers. So what seperates them from us? Why have we fallen into this mindset of "go to college, get a job and try to be financially stable"? Isn't that basically the premise of the "American dream"? Like does God really want us to live comfortably? 

I could go more places with this, but I feel like it's already a touchy enough subject for me to push anymore. 

Maybe it's just because I was created with such a restless (incredibly impatient) passionate heart, but I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD...or at least attempt to make a difference. 

My greatest fear is that I'll come to the end of my life and realize I did nothing. I wanted to change the world when I was a teen and now I'm 21 and feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Well...I guess in the world's eyes I have, but I don't know...I just want to do more with my life. I can't even explain it. I just feel like this need to go out and be like Jesus and stop caring about material things and getting good grades. 

I just want to make a difference.  

I