To Go With Intention

I've come to the conclusion that the phrase "I care about you" has become something we throw around too casually. We say it often, we say it with ease, and most times, we say it without truly understanding the weight attached to those words.

And what do those words mean? What does it mean to truly care about someone? Is just saying the words enough? Obviously the answer is clear: no, it's not enough. To care about someone, you need to put action behind your words. Some intentionality.

I think this is something our culture, especially the Christian one, has lost: the ability to be intentional with others. Which is truly unfortunate because intentionality is such a beautiful and memorable thing.

I think to be intentional with someone, it means you have to go beyond yourself. You have to take a step out of your comfort zone and put others before. And though that should be an easy thing to do, especially as a believer, often times it's one of the hardest to accomplish. Whether it's the fear of looking or sounding like an idiot, being too shy, or just not wanting to "deal" with others, we've lost the art of noticing. And, therefore, I think we've also lost the art of caring about others.

This past summer was difficult. It was challenging and painful in ways I've never had to deal with and for most of the summer, I felt weak and weighed down by burdens that seemed impossible to bear on my own. And despite being surrounded by many who earnestly told me they cared for me, few were willing to put actions behind those words. 

See, I am not the type of person who willingly shares. It's not an easy process for me to undergo. I hate the thought of burdening others with my problems that seem so insignificant, so I bottle up everything inside until I feel like I'm at my breaking point. And I was at my breaking point almost everyday last summer. I know this is going to sound corny or dramatic, but I just remember practically begging God to make someone notice me. Notice that everything was not okay and somehow know that I desperately needed someone to talk to. And to be honest, no one really did.

Please understand this post is not coming from a place of resentment or bitterness. It's coming from a place of conviction. Because despite having felt such a great need for someone to notice me, I fail on a daily basis to notice others. I hide behind excuses of being too busy, or not having enough time to "adequately" invest in someone. And honestly, all of those excuses are just crap (sorry, sometimes that word is needed). I do have time. I know I do. I'm currently sitting here, writing this post, so obviously I have time in my "oh so busy" schedule to be intentional with others.

I just...I don't want others to feel the way I did. I'm not saying that if someone had pulled me aside one day and asked me "how are you" that it would have magically made everything better, but it would have given me encouragement. Because I think that is the heart of caring for others; encouraging them, giving them hope to face whatever is going on in their life. Hope is such a powerful thing and we have the ability to offer it to others, but we don't. And I don't know why.

Roxie (the housedog) is currently looking at me like I've lost my mind because I am practically punching my keyboard and getting a little fired up. So I'll take a breath from my ranting.

It's just genuine intentionality is so rare to find and I think that means we remember the times we have encountered it. I always remember those people who made an effort to notice me and make me feel comfortable. And I so desire to be that for someone else. Not because I want to be remembered, but because I want to let them know that there is someone out there who is praying for them and offering hope and encouragement. 

We've been talking about this in my bible study and it's been hitting me hard. I have spent the majority of my college years practically ignoring those around me and now that I only have a few short months left, I want to make the most of it. I want to notice them, to listen to what they aren't saying, to be the person they can unload to, to care about them. I don't want to be just another person who doesn't recklessly throw around words with any weight behind them. 

I want to go with intention. 

Pardon my Insignificance

I am never made more aware of just how truly small I am then when I look up at the stars. 

I suppose it's a lot like staring at the ocean. It goes on and on, further than your mind can even seem to comprehend. And while staring at it, it seems to get bigger, and closer. Almost to the point where you think you can reach out and hold it in the palm of your hand. However, we all know that can't be done, because the ocean and the night sky are things that we can never fully touch.We can't ever think to contain it. Coming face to face with that much raw beauty really forces you to put your life into focus.

James 4:14 says "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." 

The fact that James refers to our lives to something as fleeting as mist really puts things into perspective. I mean..can you imagine what our lives would look like if we truly realized our own insignificance? 

I know that sounds rather mean, but that isn't my intention. It's just that I have the unfortunate habit of letting the silliest of things get in the way of my relationship with God. I allow these completely mundane things, whether it be a guy, anxiety over something out of my control, or just an "off" day, to become giant hurdles in my walk with God.

For example, tonight was amazing. I am apart of an on-campus ministry and I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing it has been to me this semester. And tonight the speaker was ON POINT...actually the whole night was just on point, there's no other way to describe it. And yet, even while listening to this amazing message, I was struggling to keep my focus on the right things. It was shifting to myself and I was letting someone determine my level of confidence and self value. How utterly ridiculous of me to focus on something so small.

I just feel that if I truly had a clear understanding of what James is saying, these things wouldn't matter so much. I'm not saying that they would go away and staying focused on God would be as simple as tying your shoe (which okay, maybe not the best analogy...learning how to tie a shoe can be a quite difficult goal to achieve).  And I think since we live in a fallen world, there will always be things fighting to keep our attention away. However, I believe I would operate with a less self-involved mindset if I truly came to the realization that my life, as a whole, is nothing but a disappearing mist.

We never want to openly talk about it, but our time here on earth is so short. There are days, or even years that may seem long, but in the grand scheme of things, our lives are so insignificant. And instead of spending so much energy focusing on the oh so very dumb, small things, why not use it to actually do something worthwhile for God? 

Just a thought.

Life is a Gift of Fresh Cut Roses (or in other words, a typical look into the mind of a young adult facing an unknown future)

I was listening to "With Everything" by Hillsong the other day and as I was, a memory flashed through my mind. 

I was at youth group and we were watching a video of Hillsong performing (probably not the right word) one of their songs. As I watched, I remember feeling this desire grow in me, this...sense of purpose.  I remember thinking, "this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant for something like this." I was incredibly confident.

How far I've come from where I used to be. 

When I was fifteen, I knew I wanted to do something in ministry. When I was sixteen, I began telling people I was going to be a youth pastor. 

I had, definitely still have, a passion for teenagers. I think they are often overlooked and underestimated, but if any age group is going to change the world, it's going to be them. I say that with all the sincerity I can muster. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. At the time, I was going to go to Covenant, a beautiful Christian college literally on top of a mountain. I even was going to room with two girls that were in my class. But that wasn't the plan God had for me. I ended up staying home for two years, going to a community college, something I never wanted to do, but something that definitely humbled me. During those two years, I went through the transition of student to youth leader. It's impossible to go through that process without any awkwardness, especially if you happened to grow up in that ministry, as I had. Despite the awkwardness, I fell in love with it. The teens were just so different. So full of genuine love for God that it always blew my mind. I completely fell in love with them, and I firmly believe that they are one amazingly special group of teens. I loved everything about being a youth leader. Eventually, I knew that everything wouldn't continue to be so rosy. I knew eventually things would come to a head. And they did. Unfortunate events happened, events that caused me to become very bitter and hardened. Events that I am still trying to find complete closure on, and am working towards moving on from them with forgiveness and love.

Anywho.

Despite this, my desire to be in ministry didn't fade; it just became more broad. I ended up at Salisbury University, a plan that I sometimes still ask God about. 


It's funny, really. When I thought about what I wanted to write about in my next post, this wasn't it. Not really. I'm actually sort of at a loss right now of where I want to go with this. It's kinda of just flown from my mind to my fingers. 

I had intended to talk about my current job. How I am very grateful for it, but still feel the unending tugging of restlessness. However, I don't think I am going to talk about that, because I think I'm beginning to realize that this feeling of restlessness goes hand-in-hand with the young adult mindset.

I'm not going to lie. I am a restless person. I am a lover of change, a chaser of recklessness and adventure. However, every young adult reaches that point in their life where they are faced with their future, and go towards it with uncertainty and fear. It's normal, I suppose. And something I don't think that can be avoided.

 One thing I am certain of is that I've changed. In some good ways, and in some not so good ways, such as the nature of change goes. But that's the beauty of change isn't it? How unpredictable it can be, and how it is a constant learning process. I know that I have become stronger, more independent, and more "aware" of who I am. When I was younger, growing up in church, whatever was given to me I would take. Many times, I wouldn't think for myself, I would take what was said to me by my Sunday school teachers and youth leaders at face value. Which isn't necessarily wrong, but there is something incredibly uplifting and good about discovering things for yourself. You don't always have to agree with what someone tells you. If you disagree, look it up. Explore it. Hold it up to the Bible. Form an opinion based on that. Not by what someone tells you. I've learned a lot about myself here at Salisbury. I am discovering more about who I am: things that I find joy in, my strengths, what sets me apart, and new found passions (for example: my views on the modern church). At the same time, I'm also discovering the more ugly aspects of my personality. The capacity I have for selfishness and jealously, and an ever-growing lists of fears and insecurities.

One thing though that has remained the same is that desire for ministry. Whatever it may be, missions, youth pastor, camp counselor even, I know that I need to be involved in it some way. As I mentioned right above, I've let space, jealously and insecurities cloud that, but my desire still remains strong. I suppose this relates to what I originally wanted to write about, but I just...I don't want to spend my life working job after job. I want to do something I'm passionate about. Like everyone else my age! I know how unrealistic it is, but I could truly care less about making money. If I have enough to get through the day, I'll be okay with that. I know I can be a ball of stress and anxiety, but I'm slowly working on letting go and trusting God. 

I just, I want so much more. Since I was a teen, I've wanted to impact the world in some small way and as silly as it may sound, I'm getting older. I'm not guaranteed any day and I feel like I haven't done anything. At least not anything significant. 

I have to apologize because it's nearly 1am and I am running on less than four hours of sleep from the previous night, and I know that this is all pretty much just a long nonsensical list of ramblings. Ramblings that almost everyone has gone through, are going through, or will go through at one point in their lives. 

I just want to get out there and do something. You know?

It's funny because I am the happiest, the most joyful, the most content when I'm sitting with a group of people, discussing things about God. I imagine a life filled with that. Pouring out as much love as I can on those precious, beautiful people in third world countries whose faith and resilience will always blow my mind. I imagine talking and hanging out with a bunch of teens, and telling all of them how wonderful they are. How they can change the world; how important they are and to never feel worthless. And I imagine not having a typical life. I imagine spending my life doing something good. Something for God. 

Something fearless. Something I'm meant to do.