My Lover

My lover is an enigma

Strong as a tempest,

Soft as a whisper

A man of his craft,

With work worn, calloused hands

My lover is unassuming.

A pillar of hope

My lover is a guide

Tethering my wayfaring soul to His

Chivalrous and wild,

Opening doors I never could

My lover is a gentleman

Loving the heart

And not the size

Directing a symphony

Of color and light

That greets me every morning

My lover is an artist

Unfailing and generous,

My lover is unexpected

And He is welcome.

Goodbyes Aren't My Thing

I'm not good with endings. I never have been. In fact, I am so terrible with them, that most times I don't allow myself to fully enjoy an event because I know it will soon be over. 

Yeah, I'm that ridiculous. So you can imagine just how terribly sad I am that my life as a college student has come to an end. 

When I was a student, I complained about my seemingly impossible workload (19 credit semester? was I attempting to kill myself?). Looking back now, I see just how easy I had it. College is such a special time. It's like a safe bubble; a four year (or five in my case) break from reality. Yes, it can be challenging, but in comparison to the "real world"? It's a joyous walk through a whimsical forest (analogies also aren't my thing). And one that I am insanely blessed and grateful to have experienced. 

I'd like to say this, Salisbury University is never where I thought I'd end up. Never in a million years did I think I would attend a "party" school and major in Communications of all things. But I am so glad I did. I needed to be shaken up. I needed to be driven out of my comfort zone. And most of all, I desperately needed to get over myself. 

I've experienced so much here that it's almost overwhelming. I don't feel that my words can do it justice. But, I am determined. So in an entirely cliched and cheesy way, I'd like to share a few lessons that I've learned and taken to heart:

1. Girl Friendships are Great
This one seems silly, but let me explain. Before this year, I always prided myself on the fact that I got along "better" with guys. To me, girls meant drama, gossip and thinly veiled barbs. Funnily enough, though, I've realized the majority of my close friendships this year have been with girls. I think, often times, we girls can intimidate one another. And that intimidation can lead to false judgement and jealousy of one another. I know this is true in my case. Many of the girls that I now love dearly, I was terrified of first. Now they've become my closest confidants, the people I run to when I need help. They have encouraged me, loved me, offered such wise advice and made my relationship with God so much stronger.

2. Do Things Alone
Before coming to college, I used to think I was independent. However, it wasn't until I lived on my own that I realized just how dependent I actually was on others. I am not, by nature, an introvert. I love people. Being around them is energizing to me. So the thought of doing things by myself terrified me. I wish I could say it was bravery that finally got me going, but in all honesty it was boredom. I was bored and tired of waiting on people to do things with me. So I started doing them by myself. I took long drives and explored the many beautiful places that the Eastern Shore has to offer. I tried out different local coffee shops and spent time thinking, writing, and spending time with God. And before I knew it, I fell in love with those moments. If you haven't taken to doing things on your own yet, I deeply encourage you to do so. There is so much value in them. 

3. Be Pleasing to God, Not People
This is a tough one. And one that I am still continuing to learn. Basically it's this, people don't matter. Well they do, but their opinions don't. You can't please everyone and not everyone is going to like you. This is hard for me. I have this compulsive need to please everyone and to make sure everyone is happy. This is wrong for many reasons, one being that I need to allow people to feel the things they do. If they're sad, they should be sad. It's not that I can't comfort them, but it's not fair for me to tell them how to feel. And most importantly, my goal on this earth is not to please others. I am not meant to be here for other people's desires. My purpose is to live for God and live a life that is pleasing to Him. People come and go, but God is forever loving and constant.

4. Be Open//Be Vulnerable
This is another difficult one. I've mentioned this in previous posts, but vulnerability is not my strong suit. To me, being open means being more susceptible to pain. And like any human, I try to avoid pain as much as possible. But if this past year has taught me anything, it's that vulnerability is a wonderful thing. Yes, it can lead to pain. And that pain will hurt. Quite a bit. But it can also lead to humility and compassion. Pushing people away and living with a jaded, cynical heart results in nothing good. Maybe you avoid pain, but you also lose the chance of connecting with and loving others in the way that God calls us to. And when you let others see you, that's when the real beauty begins.

5. Walk in Love
The media always portrays the extreme side of things, especially in regards to Christianity. On one side, we have preachers and politicians spouting off ridiculous, hateful things. And on the other side, we have people preaching total acceptance and tolerance of all things. Both sides presume to speak for the majority of Christians. However, I refuse to let the beliefs of others become my own. All I know is that I will strive to love others as God has loved me. He looks at me with new grace and mercy every morning and it's my goal to view others in the same way.

And that's it. Like I said above, there are so many things I could talk about, that it's overwhelming. Though this is long, it only grazes the surface of the past three years. I cherish these lessons and the memories I've made here. It sounds dramatic, but it's with a heavy heart that I leave this place. Salisbury has been my home, my place of safety and escape for the past years and I can't imagine leaving it. But I also know that I have to.

Salisbury will always be my home. I've made roots here. And I'll always look back at it with a fondness and love that may seem ridiculous to others. However, this is not my only place to grow roots in. The world is huge. The opportunities? Endless. I know it won't be easy. In fact, I'm told the transition after college is extremely difficult and I can already feel myself struggling to find my identity. It will be hard. I'll have times of sadness, joy, extreme nostalgia and the desire to go back to the "good ole' days". But I'm hopeful and I'm excited. Because I know that I still have so many things to learn and do. And God's going to be there every step of the way.

So thanks, Salisbury. You've been amazing and I'll miss you very much. 

To Go With Intention

I've come to the conclusion that the phrase "I care about you" has become something we throw around too casually. We say it often, we say it with ease, and most times, we say it without truly understanding the weight attached to those words.

And what do those words mean? What does it mean to truly care about someone? Is just saying the words enough? Obviously the answer is clear: no, it's not enough. To care about someone, you need to put action behind your words. Some intentionality.

I think this is something our culture, especially the Christian one, has lost: the ability to be intentional with others. Which is truly unfortunate because intentionality is such a beautiful and memorable thing.

I think to be intentional with someone, it means you have to go beyond yourself. You have to take a step out of your comfort zone and put others before. And though that should be an easy thing to do, especially as a believer, often times it's one of the hardest to accomplish. Whether it's the fear of looking or sounding like an idiot, being too shy, or just not wanting to "deal" with others, we've lost the art of noticing. And, therefore, I think we've also lost the art of caring about others.

This past summer was difficult. It was challenging and painful in ways I've never had to deal with and for most of the summer, I felt weak and weighed down by burdens that seemed impossible to bear on my own. And despite being surrounded by many who earnestly told me they cared for me, few were willing to put actions behind those words. 

See, I am not the type of person who willingly shares. It's not an easy process for me to undergo. I hate the thought of burdening others with my problems that seem so insignificant, so I bottle up everything inside until I feel like I'm at my breaking point. And I was at my breaking point almost everyday last summer. I know this is going to sound corny or dramatic, but I just remember practically begging God to make someone notice me. Notice that everything was not okay and somehow know that I desperately needed someone to talk to. And to be honest, no one really did.

Please understand this post is not coming from a place of resentment or bitterness. It's coming from a place of conviction. Because despite having felt such a great need for someone to notice me, I fail on a daily basis to notice others. I hide behind excuses of being too busy, or not having enough time to "adequately" invest in someone. And honestly, all of those excuses are just crap (sorry, sometimes that word is needed). I do have time. I know I do. I'm currently sitting here, writing this post, so obviously I have time in my "oh so busy" schedule to be intentional with others.

I just...I don't want others to feel the way I did. I'm not saying that if someone had pulled me aside one day and asked me "how are you" that it would have magically made everything better, but it would have given me encouragement. Because I think that is the heart of caring for others; encouraging them, giving them hope to face whatever is going on in their life. Hope is such a powerful thing and we have the ability to offer it to others, but we don't. And I don't know why.

Roxie (the housedog) is currently looking at me like I've lost my mind because I am practically punching my keyboard and getting a little fired up. So I'll take a breath from my ranting.

It's just genuine intentionality is so rare to find and I think that means we remember the times we have encountered it. I always remember those people who made an effort to notice me and make me feel comfortable. And I so desire to be that for someone else. Not because I want to be remembered, but because I want to let them know that there is someone out there who is praying for them and offering hope and encouragement. 

We've been talking about this in my bible study and it's been hitting me hard. I have spent the majority of my college years practically ignoring those around me and now that I only have a few short months left, I want to make the most of it. I want to notice them, to listen to what they aren't saying, to be the person they can unload to, to care about them. I don't want to be just another person who doesn't recklessly throw around words with any weight behind them. 

I want to go with intention. 

Until I See You Face to Face

"...God’s home is now with his people. He will live with them, and they will be his own. Yes, God will make his home among his people. He will wipe all tears from their eyes, and there will be no more death, suffering, crying, or pain. These things of the past are gone forever."

-Revelation 21:3-4

Today I finished reading Revelation. I have a habit of reading through it every few months because I find the whole book to be so fascinating.

What I love most about it, well actually the whole Bible, is that it's never the same when you read it. And what I mean by that is there is always something new to be learned or something that you previously read becomes alive in a different way.

I am always wary of writing about heaven because it's so far beyond my comprehension. It's a beautiful mystery that we will never be able to fully solve with our human minds. Which is actually pretty exciting. But as I was reading the verse above, it just hit me that we are going to live with God. I knew this already, but we get to see Him face to face and dwell with Him. How amazing is that?

Earlier in the week, I was talking with my roommates about those moments in worship where you wish your legs and arms could stretch higher; where you wish you could just do more than your physical limitations. We also talked about how disappointing it is that so many times after worship, all you want to do is dwell in God's presence but then the lights come back on and suddenly everything goes back to "normal". But in heaven, those moments don't go away. We get to spend eternity worshiping God and never leaving His presence.

I think what made it so real to me today was the fact that this week has been a bit rough. There have been moments of pain and heartache. And in those moments, I had the childish desire of just wanting a physical hug from God. It seems silly, but that's what I wanted. I wanted to feel His arms around me, holding me close and reassuring me of His love and faithfulness. I wanted Him here and I wanted to see Him. And not that it's impossible for God to come down and do that, God is God. He can do whatever He wants. But (and I want to choose my words carefully) it's not something that really happens. Which is why I think this verse just soothed all of that pain. Not only does it say "He will wipe all tears from their eyes", but also that "He will make his home among his people". And it's just...wow! You know? We get to live with God. Heaven is where we belong. Our hearts will never be fully satisfied here on earth, because it's not our home. Our home is with God. 

I am seriously in awe but doing a horrible job of putting my thoughts down into words. It's just...in those moments, in those oh so human moments where we feel like we are at our lowest point and are literally on our knees begging God to show Himself, I feel like He is there, holding us and whispering "soon." And I think that sounds a little creepy but that isn't my intention.

It blows my mind that my dad is waiting for me. My Heavenly Father is waiting for me to come home to the place where I belong. And I'm not saying that I am wishing for death, I know my time will come when it comes. It's just...we have a home, where we completely belong, waiting for us. And I find so much beauty and comfort in that knowledge.

The Corporate Mindset of the Modern Church

What separates a church from a corporation? And I'm not talking about the technical or logistical things, such as taxes and whatnot. I'm talking about motives.

Every corporation has a motto. A one-sentence summary of their core values and what their company stands for. The motto is everything, but the motto is also a lie. Corporations have a bad reputation for a reason. They are cold. People are reduced to numbers. Numbers that are often indispensable. They run on profit and efficiency, not compassion and emotion.

So again, I ask: What separates a church from a corporation?

The answer should be obvious. In fact, we are probably quick to point out the differences. But what happens when we look deeper? When you take a closer look, especially at the members of a church, the lines between business and church start to become blurry.

For example, let's talk about volunteers. There are many ways in which the church is lacking, but is there a bigger instance of the church acting like a jerk than when it comes to volunteers? The way they are treated, the way I have been treated as a volunteer is just wrong. Not only are so many people guilted into serving, but we expect them to show the same amount of dedication to volunteering as they do their jobs. They are exhausted. Seriously, churches have you taken a look at your volunteers? Do they seem to be serving from a heart of joy? We are literally running people into the ground. And yet, we still find the audacity to chastise them out of a misplaced sense of self-righteousness. 

Oi. I'm sorry. This is something that fills me with so much anger. Actually, the whole topic just makes me mad. 

I know I am hard on the church. But you end up being the hardest on the things you love the most. And guys, I do love the church. Which is why it literally breaks my heart to see it in this way. I know the only way to change what I see is to love the church. And I am trying. It's just...my heart hurts for the church. I want so much to see it become what it should be.   

I just...I have sadly witnessed one too many churches that have adopted a business-like mindset. And nothing seems more illogical to me than that. A church should not be run on what is most efficient or profitable to itself. At it's core, at the fundamental level, a church should be run on heart. Otherwise what's the point? Without compassion and love, all you're left with is a cold building filled with obligation and apathy.

Pardon my Insignificance

I am never made more aware of just how truly small I am then when I look up at the stars. 

I suppose it's a lot like staring at the ocean. It goes on and on, further than your mind can even seem to comprehend. And while staring at it, it seems to get bigger, and closer. Almost to the point where you think you can reach out and hold it in the palm of your hand. However, we all know that can't be done, because the ocean and the night sky are things that we can never fully touch.We can't ever think to contain it. Coming face to face with that much raw beauty really forces you to put your life into focus.

James 4:14 says "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." 

The fact that James refers to our lives to something as fleeting as mist really puts things into perspective. I mean..can you imagine what our lives would look like if we truly realized our own insignificance? 

I know that sounds rather mean, but that isn't my intention. It's just that I have the unfortunate habit of letting the silliest of things get in the way of my relationship with God. I allow these completely mundane things, whether it be a guy, anxiety over something out of my control, or just an "off" day, to become giant hurdles in my walk with God.

For example, tonight was amazing. I am apart of an on-campus ministry and I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing it has been to me this semester. And tonight the speaker was ON POINT...actually the whole night was just on point, there's no other way to describe it. And yet, even while listening to this amazing message, I was struggling to keep my focus on the right things. It was shifting to myself and I was letting someone determine my level of confidence and self value. How utterly ridiculous of me to focus on something so small.

I just feel that if I truly had a clear understanding of what James is saying, these things wouldn't matter so much. I'm not saying that they would go away and staying focused on God would be as simple as tying your shoe (which okay, maybe not the best analogy...learning how to tie a shoe can be a quite difficult goal to achieve).  And I think since we live in a fallen world, there will always be things fighting to keep our attention away. However, I believe I would operate with a less self-involved mindset if I truly came to the realization that my life, as a whole, is nothing but a disappearing mist.

We never want to openly talk about it, but our time here on earth is so short. There are days, or even years that may seem long, but in the grand scheme of things, our lives are so insignificant. And instead of spending so much energy focusing on the oh so very dumb, small things, why not use it to actually do something worthwhile for God? 

Just a thought.