You Delight in Me and You Call Me Yours

Similar (actually this is pretty much the same post, but with a bit more perspective) to my previous post, I unfortunately have to say that this week did not start off as pleasantly as it could have. I'm beginning to think Monday's hate me.

This self-doubting bug has seemed not only to have bit me, but also made a home in my brain as well. I know it's a gross analogy, but I've never been very good at analogies, so please just accept this one.

Despite finding these past few weeks tiring and a bit full of heartache, I am not unaware of how God is working on me. I have always viewed God as my father. However, I often go through these times where I decide that I am independent and happy enough to not rely as heavily on Him as I know I should. It's almost like I'm saying "Hey God, you know I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I think I can make these decisions and these things on my own right now." 

Yeah, not very great of me. 

And unsurprisingly, it's in these times that I usually end up falling flat on my face. Because to be honest, a lot of brokenness currently and has resided in me at various points in my life. There are many things that I exhibit caution in, but when it comes to my heart, I can be quite reckless with it. And because of that tendency, I end up getting hurt, and with that hurt, self-doubt and lack of worth like to tag along as well, making me one giant, frustrating, blubbering mess. I so often struggle with self-worth. One thought that always seem to be bouncing around in my head is the idea that no one would ever be interested in me. Gosh. Just writing that makes me cringe in so many ways because I know how deeply pathetic that sounds. Nevertheless though, it's true.

About a week or so ago, my roommate told me something that I hold very close to my heart. She told me that one day I would find someone who finds all of my "quirks" adorable. I know it sounds rather vain of me but at the time, I found comfort in these words because I feel like such an oddball most days and the idea that a guy would not only accept those quirks but also love them made me feel hopeful.  And I think part of the reason most of us want to be married or in relationships, is because we so badly desire to have someone who understands and accepts us just as we are.

I think you all probably know where I'm going with this, but I think God is trying to bring me to a place where I realize that I have this already. I have someone who looks at me with love and understanding. Someone who finds my quirks endearing. Which is good since He happens to be the one that made me.

How weird is it to think that the being that created us, not only looks at us with love but also delights in us? Like...He doesn't look at us, shake his head and moan about all the mistakes we make. He doesn't wish that He could just crumple us up and start over again. He delights in us. I have heard that phrase so so SO much, but I feel like today it is starting to impact me in a different way. Or maybe God is softening my heart to accept this as a truth. Either way, it's incredibly comforting and I am deeply thankful for it.

I can't end this post with any concluding idea, mainly since I feel that I've just started this...healing? May I call it that? process. In fact, I feel rather raw and my prayer this week has been that God would literally place his hands over mine and hold my heart together since I can't seem to do a very good job at it. But I can say that not only is this going to bring me closer to God, but it's also teaching me the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not an emotion, but rather a state of mind. And despite how hurt I may feel, how can I not have joy when I have a creator who delights in me? 

What a beautiful thought that is.

We're all cast-aways in need of ropes

“The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him-and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by.” 

- Francis Chan

Today I was walking around the mall, when I was just hit with the realization of how much I desperately need God.

Of course it would be at the mall. Seriously though.

I can't begin to describe it. I was just floored with this overwhelming desire for Him.

I don't want to go too deeply into it, but lately I have been far away from Him. There have been things going on in my life that I have been having a hard time dealing with. Let's just say this summer hasn't been at all what I expected. And I was on the verge of breaking down, actually I did breakdown but luckily God put it in my heart to call a very special friend of mine who said exactly what I needed to hear.

Sidenote: (Shelby Newcomb. You are amazing and you will never truly understand how much you helped me that night. And I appreciate that you were there to listen to me cry and pour my confusing heart out to you even though you are a working newlywed. You offered so much peace and understanding. You have such a special gift . Seriously.)

Anyways. On top of this need for Jesus, I felt my passion for ministry begin to flame again. Because I have not been as close to God as I should have been, my love for ministry and teens was slowly dying down. I just recently noticed it and to be honest it made me very anxious. Since I was fifteen, I knew that I wanted to work in youth ministry, and to have that desire be hidden because of all the junk in my life? Well let's just say that I definitely have woken up from my haze.

Right now, I am restless. Restless because I just want to dive into ministry. I just want to work at a church, and be surrounded by a strong fellowship of believers. However, with the restlessness also comes frustration. Frustration at myself. I have let fear hold me back from doing so much. Even this morning (well also with the added lack of sleep) I let fear dictate my decisions. Enough is enough.

I don't want to live my whole life being rooted in fear.

It's funny because I always felt like God created me with too much passion. I think that's part of the reason why I often times feel so restless. I have so many desires and things I want to do and help out, that I can easily become impatient and frustrated.

I lost that passion for a little while. I lost it because I got wrapped up in my problems and myself. I got wrapped up in self-pity because of how alone I felt. But I've come to realize that although my circumstances aren't what I pictured, I have the ability to let my desires become a reality. It just requires me to take a determined step out of my comfort zone.

Of course, everything is not beautifully perfect right now. I am still dealing with the feeling of being lonely and desiring that connection of fellowship. I'm still worried about my poor baby Gremlin (car) and struggling with the need to be perfect for Jesus and trying to accept that He does indeed love me. But I feel more hopeful now. And I'm finally taking some action in my life.

I feel like I'm on the road to fully experiencing and knowing joy, not superficial-fading-away-happiness-that goes away...no, I mean true joy.