Spoon-Fed Christianity

There are many, many wonderful things about growing up in the church. For one thing, I know all the words and hand motions to some pretty spankin' Sunday school songs. Don't believe me? I will gladly participate in (and win) a Sunday school sing-off. Seriously. I go HARD on "Pharaoh, Pharaoh".

In addition to having a very handy repertoire of really catchy songs, it's an incredible blessing to have been raised in that environment. Despite whatever feelings I may have towards a place, I cannot deny the underlying sense of peace I get as soon as I step into a church. Growing up, I always saw the church as my second home, a place I could run to for safety and strength. Like I said, it is a huge blessing. 

However. There is also a downside to have been raised in the church.

Before I begin (she says three paragraphs down...whoops) I should say this post isn't meant to offend. In the past, I think that I could often write with the intention to offend others but this is not one of those times. This is something that I feel very strongly about and would like to share.

I think one of the greatest things about college is how much your mind is opened and stretched. You are introduced to so much and given the opportunity to think deeply and become passionate about things you had never thought about before. It's really an amazing thing, the ability to think for yourself. This is something I'm not sure I did a whole lot of growing up.

Oh, I've always been very opinionated (and very vocal about said opinions) but when it came to my faith, I pretty much just accepted whatever was said to me. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are a lot of negative things I could say about the church I grew up in, but one thing I cannot fault them for is their doctrine. That church has a strong biblical foundation and I am very thankful for it. So really, the things that I was being taught were based in biblical truth. They were great things to accept.

But whatever my pastor believed, I believed. Whatever thing he felt was wrong, I felt was wrong. Whatever my youth pastor told me I shouldn't do, I didn't do. And so on. My faith was not my own. I didn't take the time to form opinions of my own. Instead, I relied on others to tell me what I should believe. I was unmotivated to read and study my bible, so many times I took the easy way out. Their faith became my faith.

I wish I could say this was my own personal experience, but I can't. Unfortunately, I think it's a growing trend among Christians in the church, especially the younger generation. While working with youth, I've had teens come up to me and tell me that my tattoos are sinful, guns are great and we should all vote republican (seriously). There's nothing wrong with those opinions, I don't agree or disagree. But what I want to know is why. Why are those things bad? Is it because you have read and studied the bible and somehow come to that conclusion, or is it because you were told it was wrong? Most of the time the answer is the latter. That is what breaks my heart.

And it's not that I'm placing the blame wholly on the church. That would be silly of me. A good chunk of the "blame" should be placed on us. We as humans are lazy. We naturally look for the easy way out and what is more easy than being told what to do and what to believe?
  
We need to think. 

Maybe I'm taking this too far, but I think there is a subtle fear of thinking and asking questions. I think it's because we've seen so many people start to question their faith and then walk away so we're scared of it. But here's the thing. Too often people question their faith and don't make an effort to seek any answers. But if you really earnestly seek out the answers to your questions, I think those times of doubt can actually bring you closer to God. I think it solidifies your faith.   

We need a hunger. A desire to dig deeper into our faith and make it our own. We can't let ourselves become lazy and unmotivated and we can't let our faith be built on anything other than God. 

Because currently, I think we are raising a generation of lazy Christians. I know that sounds harsh, but we live in a culture where most atheists know more about the bible than the majority of Christians do. Just think about that. Let that sink in. People who don't even believe in God, know more about Him than those of us who say we will gladly give our lives to Him.

Like most of my posts, I'm not sure what this has become. I think what I'm attempting to say is think. Study the bible, form questions, seek godly advice and know what it is that you are professing to believe in.Don't just take everything your pastor tells you at face value, because as great as he is, he is still human. And we as humans are prone to fault. 

Make your faith your own, build it on God. Don't become a spoon-fed Christian.

Relieving Love

People are beautiful. Sometimes frustrating, sometimes annoying, but always beautiful.

And I forget that too easily.

Why is it so incredibly hard for us to love each other? I know the logical answer, or I should say the "Sunday school" answer: that we are sinful human beings who are fighting against our flesh's desire for selfishness. And that's true. Completely true. However, that doesn't change the fact that I wish it came easier to me than it does.

Lately I've been reading Blue Like Jazz, and let me tell you...that book is blowing my mind. I definitely recommend it. Anywho, there's a part in the book that literally made me just stop and say "what in the world" and then when I really thought about it, I realized that part should not have shocked me. Let me set the scene for you: 

The author of the book is Donald Miller, who I believe at the time was auditing a class at Reed College, which according to him is said to be one of the most "godless" campuses. Miller was a part of a small group of Christians who wanted to do something for God and their community during the annual Ren Fayre, which is basically a weekend of partying and fun. To make a long summary short, they decided to set up a Confession Booth available to anyone who wanted to check it out during the weekend. However, there's a twist. The Confession booth wasn't about these non-believers confessing their sins to believers...it was actually the other way around. The Christians were confessing their sins, and apologizing for the many terrible things that have been done under the name of God and all the ways in which Christians have been lacking.

Wait, what? We should apologize for that stuff? 

It seems so simple right? When I hear about the crusades or even in most recent events, the truly despicable things that Westboro Baptist has done, I've always just written them off as fanatics who completely misunderstood the message of God. People who truly had no idea who He was; people who didn't actually believe in the same God that I do. Here's the thing though, just because I know that, and you may know that...non-believers don't. 

It's no secret that one of the biggest complaints against Christians is that we're hypocritical and judgmental. We hear that all the time. But I wonder, do we ever truly take credit for it? Do we ever actually own up to it?

Along with my Blue Like Jazz kick, I've also been somewhat obsessed with documentaries lately. I watched One Nation Under God and Beware of Christians, and it saddened me so much to listen to what people had to say about us. Not because it was hard to hear (although it was) it was more because all I wanted to do while watching was to run to them and reassure them that Jesus loves them so much more than they could every imagine and I felt like I had to apologize for myself and my fellow believers for misrepresenting and skewing that.

I was in the shelter of Christianity my whole life. Raised in church, went to a Christian school from fourth grade to senior year. Before coming to SU, I don't think I realized how truly judgmental I could be to non-Christians. I judged them for partying and drinking. I judged them for not caring about others. Just thinking about it, makes me so annoyed at myself because I had no right, and will never, have the right to judge others. I am a mess. I am full of brokenness and hurt and pain. I need God in all areas of my life. My weaknesses may never be with partying or drinking, but that doesn't mean I don't fall and stumble on a consistent basis with other sins. And it took a lot for me to finally realize that I needed to get over myself. I needed to stop being such a brat and truly love those around me.

I'm just going to be honest, I am really bad at loving others. Or let me re-phrase that. I love people. Like I said above, people to me are absolutely beautiful. But I have the tendency, once they hurt me or reject me, to reject them. I close off and I'm done. I can be entirely without grace. Isn't that just a bunch of silliness? I mean I believe in a God who is full of grace. I have done SO many things that has done little to warrant any grace from Him, but He freely gives it. So why can't I do the same?

It's because I let my own problems and struggles get in the way of loving others. But the whole point of love, is to be there for that person through whatever. The good, bad and ugly. Through the flaws. Because that's what we all are. Flawed, imperfect people. And I forget that so much. I forget that I am a flawed human being who is only alive through the grace of God. So how can I go throughout life, rejecting those who reject me, hating those who put up a fight and shunning those who hurt me? Genuine love goes beyond that. Genuine love is seeing past that and to the person inside who is lost and scared and in desperate need of a God who will love them unconditionally.

Recently I started attending a new church. I think I'm a bit of a church hopper. However, I do think I've found a home in this church. Not because it is without flaws, or has the perfect worship band and pastor. It's because of the overwhelming sense of community and love I felt upon entering that place. It is breathtaking to witness a church of believers who genuinely live out this kind of love. Not only is it a beautiful thing to witness as a fellow believer, but it is truly encouraging to be a recipient of this love. And I desire SO much to be the kind of person who loves others above myself. Above my selfish desires.

Gosh. I don't even know what this post has become. It's definitely not what I intended to write about. It just kind of had a mind of it's own. Hopefully though, this has made some sort of sense.

When Religion Overrides Relationship

"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."
-Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz)

There is nothing more unattractive to me, than a Christian rooted in legalism. And by unattractive, I'm not referring to outward appearance...I'm talking about the fact that my soul literally finds those kinds of people so off-putting that everything inside of me just wants to run away from them the moment they open their mouths.

Please forgive me, if I've already talked about this, but...I just can't seem to shake the feeling that this movement of legalistic Christianity is not going away anytime soon. In fact, it seems to be growing. And that's not great.

I looked up the definition of legalism because I'm cliche like that, and apparently it means (well according to dictionary.com, which is super reliable, guys...) an "excessive adherence to law or formula, or dependence on moral law, rather than on personal religious faith". I'm not sure why, but the latter half of the definition really struck a chord in me, which is why I felt the need to blog about this topic once again. I know...how fun for you readers.

BUT SERIOUSLY. Dependence on moral law, rather than on personal religious faith? Really? How does that sound right to anyone? This may be one of the reasons why I get so incensed by legalistic Christians. Have you not read the Bible? Did you not read about Jesus coming to abolish the old law? Did you not read about His fantastically bold and cutting encounters with the Pharisees? Did you not read how Jesus is looking for an intimate, love-filled relationship with us? I mean...goodness gracious. How, what? I don't understand.

There is something fundamentally wrong, when we as a people, care more about what a person is wearing, or whether or not they are following the "rules", than caring about their personal relationship with God, and what He is doing in their lives.

I'm not a scholar or a cool theologian or any kind. I really don't have any "teachings" on which I can base this post on. It's just personal experience. BUT...to me, legalism is all about you. It's the dependence on ourselves, on what we can do. Not what God can do. Legalism doesn't set out to follow  rules out of a genuine heart, but rather out of ritual and wanting to have achieve the "perfect Christian" reputation. There is no connection with God. Think about it. It's unpleasantly easy to "act" like the perfect Christian at church. But it's all just an act. And the only person getting hurt is you, because you're the one missing out on the beautiful intimacy a relationship with God can only provide.

The saddest and most frustrating part of all of this is that so many people who are spouting out legalistic philosophies, often times don't even realize it. I have been criticized for not wearing the "appropriate" church clothes, not watching or liking the right things, and even for wanting to get a tattoo, all by the same person, that while constantly chastising me, empthatically profused that they were not legalistic in the slightest.

Right.

It's just so incredibly frustrating! I know I have been coming across very harsh, but I want emphasize that I love these people. Truly I do. But oh my goodness gracious, if I could have the super power to slap some sense into people...well let's just say, I would have done so. Not that I have much sense myself, but I can at least see how being preoccupied with someone getting a tattoo rather than on their heart and what God has place in them, is a little nonsensical.

And as a result of legalistic Christianity, the already existing divide among churches and believers, is getting even wider. Which, as you know, is just splendid. Because why on earth, would we want to be a body of unified believers working together to do great things for God? How would that be helpful? I mean...it's not like the devil would be scared of that or anything. Nope. Not at all. We're much better off as a faith divided amongst itself. We will do great things like that. (okay, sarcastic rant is over. I promise).

However, let me not completely be a negative ned. Over this past semester, I have come to know amazing Christians. People who are genuinely seeking after God and a relationship with Him. People who are...unconventional. In the way we all should be. And that has truly been the most encouraging, amazing thing to be apart of.

Again, it's just frustrating. I mean, if surrendering to God means falling into ritual and habit, then what separates us from other religions? Actually, let me rephrase that...what makes Christianity a faith, rather than a religion?

If you take away the beauty that is God, the fact that He loves us enough to look at our disgusting selves and still want to have a relationship with Him, than what is left?....Honestly? Nothing.

We're alive and We're Shaken

I am currently at Starbucks listening to the stylistic sounds of Brazilian music that incites one to get up and shake their hips. It's quite enjoyable, actually.

Anyways. Happy Easter! Christ is risen! He conquered death so that we may have freedom and life through Him!

Okay now be honest. How quickly did you just skim over that? Did those words really have any sort of profound effect in your heart? 

Maybe not if we were honest with ourselves. As someone who grew up in church her whole life, I can pretty much predict (down to a science) how an Easter service will go. It will be packed. Though the messages may vary, it will pretty-much-guaranteed have a large emphasis of it centered around coming to Christ or evangelizing to non-believers. I mean, c'mon, churches are smart right? They know this is, besides Christmas, will be one of their most packed services, so they want to bring as many people to Jesus as they can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Not really. It's just...do you ever realize how apathetic we get about it?

Well at least that's the sense I got today when I was at church. It blew my mind that I was in a packed room, filled with believers, and yet I couldn't help but feel this crushing burden of apathy and boredom from the majority of the people around me. How incredibly sad is that?

Are we that dry as a people that we can't even summon up at least a tiny bit of excitement to celebrate a day that brought to life everything we believe in? It's kind of no wonder we get called hypocritical all the time.

We need breath. We need fire. We need passion. We need to be shaken to life.

I'm completely repeating myself. I know that I've already written one, if not several, blogs on this but it's just something that is so important. 

Guys our world is so dark. It is in so much need of Jesus it's insane.There are so many lost and broken people. And we've gotten so comfortable in our apathy that we've ignored our sleep for so long. We've let our faith become clouded with worldly values. We've let ourselves come to the point where Easter is more of a chore than a celebration of our God.  It's scary, talking to people about Jesus. Even though we're told not to fear rejection, but let's be honest...rejection kinda sucks. It's no fun to have people hate you and call you a bigot. And it can be seriously not fun to serve others. Our lives are hectic and crazy, it seems there is never enough time to do all that we should. And I'm lumping myself along with everyone else. I don't do either of these things nearly as much as I should. But I need to. We need to. 

For lack of a less cheesy analogy, I feel like I've been asleep for so long, and Jesus is slowly bringing me back awake. I feel the beginnings of a fire. A fire I don't ever want to let burn out. Oh geeze. Please excuse how cheesy all of this is, but seriously. I feel like I'm falling in love with Him a little more everyday. It's like seeing the boy you have the biggest crush on and getting all those butterflies and fluttery guttery feelings. He makes my heart race and I just love Him. I want to talk about Him...like ALL the time. I just really love Him.

I don't mean any of that to come of braggy. That is not my intention. Honestly, I know this is all God. I am so thankful that He has brought me out of my apathy. And I'm praying that He will do the same with those around me. We NEED this guys. We need this all consuming love. We need to be overwhelmed by Him. 

Can you imagine what we could do, what we could change, if we as a church finally shook off our apathy? If we finally let Him take control of our desires and hearts?

Something revolutionary, that's for sure.

Can we get some love for the old?

I know, I know. I posted just two short days ago. But sometimes when the blog bug hits, you must listen and post away.

Anyways. This post will probably offend some...but honestly when do my posts (except the ones where I am being vain and talking about myself) not ruffle a few feathers? So we can all just ignore this little disclaimer. But I should add this one on: I think this is going to come off sounding like I'm very bitter, but I'm honestly not. I promise. I admit I've written some posts with bitter notes in them, but this is not one of them. It's just something that I've been noticing more and more lately.

Maybe it's just me, or the age group I'm with, or even the place I'm at, but lately I've just been getting this feeling that being an "old" Christian is just not very cool anymore. Or at least being an older young adult Christian isn't cool anymore.

Should I explain this? I think I should.

 I've been a Christian since I was five and rededicated my life to God when I was fourteen. I've gone through many ups and downs, great times and bad times, but I've never completely walked away from God. I don't think I ever could. He is ingrained (in a lovely way) into my system and He could never, and I'd never, want Him to get out.Well apparently, at least in the young adult atmosphere, this isn't normal. I have new believers come up to me and ask something along the lines of "so what were you like in your BC days?" And perhaps I should explain the whole "bc" concept. "BC Days" basically means what you were like before you surrendered your life to God. It's just a cutesy way of describing all the not so lovely things you participated in before Jesus.

Whenever someone asks me this, I don't actually have an answer unless I want to talk about what a horrible child I was before five, which lets face it...were any of us rays of sunshine at 2? No. Anyways, after I tell them that I do not, in fact, have BC days, I get this...look. Ohhh how to describe this look? I guess you could say it's almost...condescending in a way? Maybe that's not the right word. Pity might be better. Yes actually pity works well. It's like they pity me because I've never "acted out" or done something I insanely regret and therefore my testimony is not as powerful as theirs. I can't witness to someone who used to party every night because I never did that. I don't have the right. I'm not even going to get into how so many people seem to take pride in their BC days, because this post would end up being a year long or something ridiculous like that. But let me just say, what in the world? If it's not the pitying looks, then it's looks of disbelief or doubt. I've had people actually question whether or not I'm saved because I've been a Christian so long...and half of this isn't even from my peers, but from the leaders themselves!

Thank you. Because that is not belittling at all.

The sad thing is that so many of the ministries I've been involved in lately seem to just reinforce this idea. I can't tell you how many messages I've sat through that are basically, "Repent! Surrender! Live for Jesus!" And yes. I am completely ALL for this! This is what Christianity is about. But sometimes I'd  just like to dive further into the bible and learn other things besides that message. I want to grow, you know? I want to be able to ask all these questions I have without "oh we can't get into that yet, because so many people don't know the story of Jesus yet". I think I can count one ministry around me that's directed towards "older" Christians. And I am absolutely in love with it. However, compared to the 15 or so other ministries on campus that are dedicated to helping new believers, it's a little sad.

Oh and just because I am an older Christian, please don't tell me that it is my sole responsibility to mentor and disciple others. I am not against that at all. Actually, the thought of being someone's mentor is very exciting to me. However, please don't forget that I am still growing. I still need someone to help us. Yes, I have been a Christian for quite some time, but I (and no one does) don't have all the answers. I need guidance as well. But it's very hard to receive that guidance when so many ministries get so caught up with converting new people and ignore the others in their congregation. Please don't forget about that. That's how ministries loose so many people. Because they neglect us "older Christians" and spend all their energy on new believers.
Oh gosh. I feel like a horrible person even posting this because I can see how whiny and snobby it may seem to others. I am sorry. I'm not trying to be a snob. I'd just like to stop feeling like I'm condescended because I haven't just now given my life to God. 

Okay. I'll be done now. I just had to get this off my chest.

Life is a Gift of Fresh Cut Roses (or in other words, a typical look into the mind of a young adult facing an unknown future)

I was listening to "With Everything" by Hillsong the other day and as I was, a memory flashed through my mind. 

I was at youth group and we were watching a video of Hillsong performing (probably not the right word) one of their songs. As I watched, I remember feeling this desire grow in me, this...sense of purpose.  I remember thinking, "this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant for something like this." I was incredibly confident.

How far I've come from where I used to be. 

When I was fifteen, I knew I wanted to do something in ministry. When I was sixteen, I began telling people I was going to be a youth pastor. 

I had, definitely still have, a passion for teenagers. I think they are often overlooked and underestimated, but if any age group is going to change the world, it's going to be them. I say that with all the sincerity I can muster. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. At the time, I was going to go to Covenant, a beautiful Christian college literally on top of a mountain. I even was going to room with two girls that were in my class. But that wasn't the plan God had for me. I ended up staying home for two years, going to a community college, something I never wanted to do, but something that definitely humbled me. During those two years, I went through the transition of student to youth leader. It's impossible to go through that process without any awkwardness, especially if you happened to grow up in that ministry, as I had. Despite the awkwardness, I fell in love with it. The teens were just so different. So full of genuine love for God that it always blew my mind. I completely fell in love with them, and I firmly believe that they are one amazingly special group of teens. I loved everything about being a youth leader. Eventually, I knew that everything wouldn't continue to be so rosy. I knew eventually things would come to a head. And they did. Unfortunate events happened, events that caused me to become very bitter and hardened. Events that I am still trying to find complete closure on, and am working towards moving on from them with forgiveness and love.

Anywho.

Despite this, my desire to be in ministry didn't fade; it just became more broad. I ended up at Salisbury University, a plan that I sometimes still ask God about. 


It's funny, really. When I thought about what I wanted to write about in my next post, this wasn't it. Not really. I'm actually sort of at a loss right now of where I want to go with this. It's kinda of just flown from my mind to my fingers. 

I had intended to talk about my current job. How I am very grateful for it, but still feel the unending tugging of restlessness. However, I don't think I am going to talk about that, because I think I'm beginning to realize that this feeling of restlessness goes hand-in-hand with the young adult mindset.

I'm not going to lie. I am a restless person. I am a lover of change, a chaser of recklessness and adventure. However, every young adult reaches that point in their life where they are faced with their future, and go towards it with uncertainty and fear. It's normal, I suppose. And something I don't think that can be avoided.

 One thing I am certain of is that I've changed. In some good ways, and in some not so good ways, such as the nature of change goes. But that's the beauty of change isn't it? How unpredictable it can be, and how it is a constant learning process. I know that I have become stronger, more independent, and more "aware" of who I am. When I was younger, growing up in church, whatever was given to me I would take. Many times, I wouldn't think for myself, I would take what was said to me by my Sunday school teachers and youth leaders at face value. Which isn't necessarily wrong, but there is something incredibly uplifting and good about discovering things for yourself. You don't always have to agree with what someone tells you. If you disagree, look it up. Explore it. Hold it up to the Bible. Form an opinion based on that. Not by what someone tells you. I've learned a lot about myself here at Salisbury. I am discovering more about who I am: things that I find joy in, my strengths, what sets me apart, and new found passions (for example: my views on the modern church). At the same time, I'm also discovering the more ugly aspects of my personality. The capacity I have for selfishness and jealously, and an ever-growing lists of fears and insecurities.

One thing though that has remained the same is that desire for ministry. Whatever it may be, missions, youth pastor, camp counselor even, I know that I need to be involved in it some way. As I mentioned right above, I've let space, jealously and insecurities cloud that, but my desire still remains strong. I suppose this relates to what I originally wanted to write about, but I just...I don't want to spend my life working job after job. I want to do something I'm passionate about. Like everyone else my age! I know how unrealistic it is, but I could truly care less about making money. If I have enough to get through the day, I'll be okay with that. I know I can be a ball of stress and anxiety, but I'm slowly working on letting go and trusting God. 

I just, I want so much more. Since I was a teen, I've wanted to impact the world in some small way and as silly as it may sound, I'm getting older. I'm not guaranteed any day and I feel like I haven't done anything. At least not anything significant. 

I have to apologize because it's nearly 1am and I am running on less than four hours of sleep from the previous night, and I know that this is all pretty much just a long nonsensical list of ramblings. Ramblings that almost everyone has gone through, are going through, or will go through at one point in their lives. 

I just want to get out there and do something. You know?

It's funny because I am the happiest, the most joyful, the most content when I'm sitting with a group of people, discussing things about God. I imagine a life filled with that. Pouring out as much love as I can on those precious, beautiful people in third world countries whose faith and resilience will always blow my mind. I imagine talking and hanging out with a bunch of teens, and telling all of them how wonderful they are. How they can change the world; how important they are and to never feel worthless. And I imagine not having a typical life. I imagine spending my life doing something good. Something for God. 

Something fearless. Something I'm meant to do.
  

 



 

The Do's and Don'ts of Proper Church Behavior

Have you ever thought about how many unspoken rules/behaviors that take place in a single church service? 

We almost always clap after the first worship song, we know to get the in the "prayer position" when the lights dim, and we know to be respectful and quiet while the pastor is talking.

So what happens when someone disrupts these patterns? How do we react?

Not well. 

Today at church, I was sitting near the back and there was a mentally-challenged older lady sitting close by who was muttering to herself every few minutes. Though it wasn't too loud, she was certainly getting attention for it. Many people around me, including myself, turned around to stare at her. I suppose it was our passive-aggressive way to tell her to be quiet. As I stared at her, I started ask why I was irritated by her. Sure, she was talking out loud, but to be honest, it wasn't loud enough to cause that much of a distraction, let alone, that much attention. I think I was staring her because she was breaking the "norm" of church behavior.

Something similar happened earlier this year. It was again during service, and the pastor had asked the congregation a question. Well...as faithful members of church, we all know that when a pastor asks a question, he usually doesn't want an answer. It's rhetorical. Or something we answer in our minds. A man sitting in the front row, raised his hand to answer the question. He was instantly met with either looks that seemed to question his intelligence or ignored. I watched as he slowly put his hand down, and looked completely dejected. He left soon after that and I found myself deeply disappointed with my fellow Christians.

Yet I found myself doing the same thing today to a lady that did not deserve it. 

 And sadly these "distractions"-- oh excuse me, I mean people-- are not shown love, but rather the door out. We remove the things causing the disruptions. I've seen it in many churches. An usher quietly walks over to that pesky person who is stopping the faithful followers of the church from listening to that anointed message, and are asked to leave. 

I mean really. That's about as Christlike as we can get, right?

Please don't misunderstand me. Order is important. I understand that. I've been to churches where it's pretty much just chaos. But to ask someone to leave, or shoot them dirty looks, because they don't understand the "rules" of church is ridiculous.

If you think about it, most of those who go against the norms, have never been to church before. So how can we expect to instantly know "how to act". We show them the door when we should be welcoming them. Church is supposed to be a place of safety and comfort where believers come together to worship and care about each other. Who cares if someone isn't conducting themselves in the way we expect them too. And if they are honestly being disrespectful or causing a serious distraction to the point where the pastor can't get through his message, then lovingly pull them aside after church and explain why what they did was wrong. Don't just make them leave and not tell them why. That happens far too much.

Oh my goodness.

I just...I hate that we do this. I hate that I do this.

People are so precious and throughout history, Christians and churches have had a reputation of turning away those who need God the most. I don't want to be that Christian. I don't want, nor do I have the right, to judge someone and put them out because they aren't exhibiting proper church behavior like the rest of us.

Jesus is so good and He loves everyone despite their appearance or how they may act. We need to actually live this instead of just saying we do. I feel so convicted because I am so guilty of judging someone based off of their behavior.

But I don't want to be that person anymore. It isn't right. It isn't what we are called to be.

We Just Want the Fire in Our Bones

I think I've firmly established that I'm a bit of an oddball.

So with that said it should come as no surprise that passages like the valley of dry bones and ones that almost seem to be yelling or scolding are the ones that inspire me the most.

One of my favorite verses is Romans 13:11
 "You know what sort of times we live in, and so you should live properly. It is time to wake up. You know that the day when we will be saved is nearer than when we first put our faith in the Lord. Night is almost over, and day will soon appear. We must stop behaving as people do in the dark and be ready to live in the light."

Guys. This verse is awesome and it just cuts straight to the heart. Like there is no messing around with this verse. No way to interpret it into something other than a wake up call.

I've already mentioned how I feel about the modern church. Now I want to talk about us. Modern Christians.

Can I just first say...what in the world is wrong with us?!

We've become so tolerant of pratically everything in our society. We don't take a stand for anything anymore. And if we do, the majority of the time it's looked down on by other Christians or something that is completely not in line with what the Bible says.

For example. Gay marriage. Yes, I am going there. I'm sorry I can't help it. It honestly blows my mind how Christians can stand up for gay marriage. How have we gotten to a point that we not only tolerate, but support something that goes completely against what is written in the Bible? Ok. I'll stop because that whole thing frustrates me to no end and I don't want to go off on a whole other tangent.

We're so full of fear it's ridiculous. I am so full of fear it's ridiculous.  And I don't understand why. There really is nothing to be afraid of. What's the worst thing that can happen to us? Death? Oh well. We get Heaven...so it's kind of a win-win. But I find that in so many situations I hold my beliefs back because I am afraid. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing this.

Our nation is literally going into such a gross place and are we really just going to sit back and let it all happen because we don't want to offend anyone? When was the last time we've all come together to stand up against something that is wrong and stuck with it? Most times we're all just talk but when it comes to actually facing the consequences we get too afraid to continue. Do we even come together for anything anymore? Another weird favorite verse of mine is Revelation 19:5-6:
"From the throne a voice said, 'If you worship and fear our God, give praise to Him, no matter who you are.' Then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together. They were saying: 'Praise the Lord! Our Lord God All-Powerful now rules as king.'"

My favorite part of those verses is "then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together". Can you imagine how amazing and powerful it would be if we all came together as one to praise God? Dude. It would be insane.

Unfortunately we let petty differences like denominations, churches, and different views keep us from ever being unified, and because of that, we've lost so much of the influence we could have.

I mentioned above that the valley of dry bones inspires me. If you haven't read it (and I definitely recommend reading it), it's about God taking Ezekiel to a valley that if full of dry bones. The Lord asks him if the dry bones can ever be made into living people again. He instructs Ezekiel to speak a prophetic message to them, saying the Lord will breathe life into them and make them live again. They eventually come to life again and the Lord says:

“Son of man, these bones represent the people of Israel. They are saying, ‘We have become old, dry bones—all hope is gone. Our nation is finished.’  Therefore, prophesy to them and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I will open your graves of exile and cause you to rise again. Then I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ When this happens, O my people, you will know that I am the Lord.  I will put my Spirit in you, and you will live again and return home to your own land. Then you will know that I, the Lord, have spoken, and I have done what I said. Yes, the Lord has spoken!’”
Ezekiel 37:11-14

I think many of us are like that today. There are many of us and we have the potential but we've let ourselves become dried up and dead in our faith. 

We need a breath of life in our bones.

 

We're all cast-aways in need of ropes

“The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him-and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by.” 

- Francis Chan

Today I was walking around the mall, when I was just hit with the realization of how much I desperately need God.

Of course it would be at the mall. Seriously though.

I can't begin to describe it. I was just floored with this overwhelming desire for Him.

I don't want to go too deeply into it, but lately I have been far away from Him. There have been things going on in my life that I have been having a hard time dealing with. Let's just say this summer hasn't been at all what I expected. And I was on the verge of breaking down, actually I did breakdown but luckily God put it in my heart to call a very special friend of mine who said exactly what I needed to hear.

Sidenote: (Shelby Newcomb. You are amazing and you will never truly understand how much you helped me that night. And I appreciate that you were there to listen to me cry and pour my confusing heart out to you even though you are a working newlywed. You offered so much peace and understanding. You have such a special gift . Seriously.)

Anyways. On top of this need for Jesus, I felt my passion for ministry begin to flame again. Because I have not been as close to God as I should have been, my love for ministry and teens was slowly dying down. I just recently noticed it and to be honest it made me very anxious. Since I was fifteen, I knew that I wanted to work in youth ministry, and to have that desire be hidden because of all the junk in my life? Well let's just say that I definitely have woken up from my haze.

Right now, I am restless. Restless because I just want to dive into ministry. I just want to work at a church, and be surrounded by a strong fellowship of believers. However, with the restlessness also comes frustration. Frustration at myself. I have let fear hold me back from doing so much. Even this morning (well also with the added lack of sleep) I let fear dictate my decisions. Enough is enough.

I don't want to live my whole life being rooted in fear.

It's funny because I always felt like God created me with too much passion. I think that's part of the reason why I often times feel so restless. I have so many desires and things I want to do and help out, that I can easily become impatient and frustrated.

I lost that passion for a little while. I lost it because I got wrapped up in my problems and myself. I got wrapped up in self-pity because of how alone I felt. But I've come to realize that although my circumstances aren't what I pictured, I have the ability to let my desires become a reality. It just requires me to take a determined step out of my comfort zone.

Of course, everything is not beautifully perfect right now. I am still dealing with the feeling of being lonely and desiring that connection of fellowship. I'm still worried about my poor baby Gremlin (car) and struggling with the need to be perfect for Jesus and trying to accept that He does indeed love me. But I feel more hopeful now. And I'm finally taking some action in my life.

I feel like I'm on the road to fully experiencing and knowing joy, not superficial-fading-away-happiness-that goes away...no, I mean true joy.