This Is Not My Home.

"This is not our home". "We are not of this world".

We hear these phrases over and over again. In sermons, from believers, there's even a clothing and accessory place dedicated to this phrase. Seriously, I can't count the number of times I've heard this and just been like "yeah, yeah I get it". But lately I feel like I'm actually starting to get it.

And I'm starting to get a wee bit restless.

I was lying on the pavement last night in a near empty church parking lot (I am such an odd human) and thinking about this. If this place isn't my home, then why am I investing so much into it? Why am I spending all this time and energy to get a degree that will hopefully get me a good job? Like a degree and a good job isn't going to matter in heaven! Oh gracious. Okay. I'm getting all fired up just thinking about this again. I'll try to calm down a bit.

Ok so here's my thing. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know how extremely blessed I am to be able to go to college. Seriously. I.AM.SO.BLESSED. But I can't help but feeling like I'm wasting my time here. And yes. I know what the answer is to this "feeling". "God has you where he wants you" "God will use you in your job and at school" or "we don't have to go the Africa to change the world" (my personal favorite). I'm not trying to put those down. They're perfectly valid. Actually...are they?

I'm going to get a little more touchy here, but what if those answers aren't exactly right? What if they're kind sorta excuses we tell ourselves to feel more comfortable with our lives? I mean...what about the early church? They went out into the world, without fear, and shared the gospel. Without any thought of a "comfortable" life. They were legit world changers. So what seperates them from us? Why have we fallen into this mindset of "go to college, get a job and try to be financially stable"? Isn't that basically the premise of the "American dream"? Like does God really want us to live comfortably? 

I could go more places with this, but I feel like it's already a touchy enough subject for me to push anymore. 

Maybe it's just because I was created with such a restless (incredibly impatient) passionate heart, but I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD...or at least attempt to make a difference. 

My greatest fear is that I'll come to the end of my life and realize I did nothing. I wanted to change the world when I was a teen and now I'm 21 and feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Well...I guess in the world's eyes I have, but I don't know...I just want to do more with my life. I can't even explain it. I just feel like this need to go out and be like Jesus and stop caring about material things and getting good grades. 

I just want to make a difference.  

I

We're all cast-aways in need of ropes

“The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him-and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by.” 

- Francis Chan

Today I was walking around the mall, when I was just hit with the realization of how much I desperately need God.

Of course it would be at the mall. Seriously though.

I can't begin to describe it. I was just floored with this overwhelming desire for Him.

I don't want to go too deeply into it, but lately I have been far away from Him. There have been things going on in my life that I have been having a hard time dealing with. Let's just say this summer hasn't been at all what I expected. And I was on the verge of breaking down, actually I did breakdown but luckily God put it in my heart to call a very special friend of mine who said exactly what I needed to hear.

Sidenote: (Shelby Newcomb. You are amazing and you will never truly understand how much you helped me that night. And I appreciate that you were there to listen to me cry and pour my confusing heart out to you even though you are a working newlywed. You offered so much peace and understanding. You have such a special gift . Seriously.)

Anyways. On top of this need for Jesus, I felt my passion for ministry begin to flame again. Because I have not been as close to God as I should have been, my love for ministry and teens was slowly dying down. I just recently noticed it and to be honest it made me very anxious. Since I was fifteen, I knew that I wanted to work in youth ministry, and to have that desire be hidden because of all the junk in my life? Well let's just say that I definitely have woken up from my haze.

Right now, I am restless. Restless because I just want to dive into ministry. I just want to work at a church, and be surrounded by a strong fellowship of believers. However, with the restlessness also comes frustration. Frustration at myself. I have let fear hold me back from doing so much. Even this morning (well also with the added lack of sleep) I let fear dictate my decisions. Enough is enough.

I don't want to live my whole life being rooted in fear.

It's funny because I always felt like God created me with too much passion. I think that's part of the reason why I often times feel so restless. I have so many desires and things I want to do and help out, that I can easily become impatient and frustrated.

I lost that passion for a little while. I lost it because I got wrapped up in my problems and myself. I got wrapped up in self-pity because of how alone I felt. But I've come to realize that although my circumstances aren't what I pictured, I have the ability to let my desires become a reality. It just requires me to take a determined step out of my comfort zone.

Of course, everything is not beautifully perfect right now. I am still dealing with the feeling of being lonely and desiring that connection of fellowship. I'm still worried about my poor baby Gremlin (car) and struggling with the need to be perfect for Jesus and trying to accept that He does indeed love me. But I feel more hopeful now. And I'm finally taking some action in my life.

I feel like I'm on the road to fully experiencing and knowing joy, not superficial-fading-away-happiness-that goes away...no, I mean true joy.