You Delight in Me and You Call Me Yours

Similar (actually this is pretty much the same post, but with a bit more perspective) to my previous post, I unfortunately have to say that this week did not start off as pleasantly as it could have. I'm beginning to think Monday's hate me.

This self-doubting bug has seemed not only to have bit me, but also made a home in my brain as well. I know it's a gross analogy, but I've never been very good at analogies, so please just accept this one.

Despite finding these past few weeks tiring and a bit full of heartache, I am not unaware of how God is working on me. I have always viewed God as my father. However, I often go through these times where I decide that I am independent and happy enough to not rely as heavily on Him as I know I should. It's almost like I'm saying "Hey God, you know I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I think I can make these decisions and these things on my own right now." 

Yeah, not very great of me. 

And unsurprisingly, it's in these times that I usually end up falling flat on my face. Because to be honest, a lot of brokenness currently and has resided in me at various points in my life. There are many things that I exhibit caution in, but when it comes to my heart, I can be quite reckless with it. And because of that tendency, I end up getting hurt, and with that hurt, self-doubt and lack of worth like to tag along as well, making me one giant, frustrating, blubbering mess. I so often struggle with self-worth. One thought that always seem to be bouncing around in my head is the idea that no one would ever be interested in me. Gosh. Just writing that makes me cringe in so many ways because I know how deeply pathetic that sounds. Nevertheless though, it's true.

About a week or so ago, my roommate told me something that I hold very close to my heart. She told me that one day I would find someone who finds all of my "quirks" adorable. I know it sounds rather vain of me but at the time, I found comfort in these words because I feel like such an oddball most days and the idea that a guy would not only accept those quirks but also love them made me feel hopeful.  And I think part of the reason most of us want to be married or in relationships, is because we so badly desire to have someone who understands and accepts us just as we are.

I think you all probably know where I'm going with this, but I think God is trying to bring me to a place where I realize that I have this already. I have someone who looks at me with love and understanding. Someone who finds my quirks endearing. Which is good since He happens to be the one that made me.

How weird is it to think that the being that created us, not only looks at us with love but also delights in us? Like...He doesn't look at us, shake his head and moan about all the mistakes we make. He doesn't wish that He could just crumple us up and start over again. He delights in us. I have heard that phrase so so SO much, but I feel like today it is starting to impact me in a different way. Or maybe God is softening my heart to accept this as a truth. Either way, it's incredibly comforting and I am deeply thankful for it.

I can't end this post with any concluding idea, mainly since I feel that I've just started this...healing? May I call it that? process. In fact, I feel rather raw and my prayer this week has been that God would literally place his hands over mine and hold my heart together since I can't seem to do a very good job at it. But I can say that not only is this going to bring me closer to God, but it's also teaching me the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not an emotion, but rather a state of mind. And despite how hurt I may feel, how can I not have joy when I have a creator who delights in me? 

What a beautiful thought that is.

Be.

Have you ever had those times in your life when you feel like you keep hearing the same message over and over again? And I don't mean the actual same message, but more like the same idea. For example, let's say you are currently having problems with fear and it seems that every church service you go to, the message of being courageous seems to be hitting you in the face. Know what I mean? God is funny that way, I suppose.

Lately, the only message I seem to be hearing is the message to love. And not just to love people, but to love the church.

That should be easy, right? After all I am a Christian. And being raised in the church can produce some really beautiful things. However, there is the tendency for cynicism to grow from that beauty.

And if I can be accused of anything, it is having the penchant to look at things from a cynical standpoint. Especially church-related things.

I have oh so very many opinions about the modern church. I'm not entirely thrilled with it. I listen to messages with a cynical outlook, I approach fellowship with a guarded heart, and I worship with a wariness as to whether or not the band is actually singing from a genuine heart or the desire to showcase their talents. In fact, I could write countless posts on all of the things I disagree with in the church.

However.

I could sit here and rant until I'm blue in the face, but talk is never going to get me anywhere. Only action will. And it seems the action God wants me to take is one that doesn't seem to involve much action at all...to stay. In fact, if I'm interpreting the messages I've been hearing every second*, then I think what I need to be doing is not just talking about all the things I disagree with, but to actually start doing something about them.

I should take this moment to be honest. I am not a patient person. I am the exact opposite of a patient person. Which doesn't make sense, considering generally I'm a pretty laid back person. However, when I want something done, I want it done now. Especially when it is something that I am passionate about. It's horrible I know. I wish I had the patience of a nun, but I do not. At least not right now. God and I are working on that.

And let's be honest. Change so rarely happens quickly. In fact, it seems to move with all the speed and purpose of a disabled sloth. And that is quite frustrating when you are an impatient person with a heart for ministry that is longing for the church to stop being such a slug and actually be the church God wants us to be. But once again, complaining about it will never solve anything.

So I have a problem with the way Christians love each other? Well then, I'll pray that God sends those who don't feel loved into my path. I hate the legalism and move towards religious nonsense that some churches seem to be leading with? Well then, I work on viewing others without bias and judgement, and focus on the things that matter. Like loving and being a servant to everyone.

It's pretty simple and cliche stuff. It just seems to be hitting me in a new way lately. Probably because God has been throwing it in my face every chance, but whatever. It's finally sticking.

And that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop blogging about my various *ahem* disagreements about the church. I am an opinionated person. That will never change. However, action is going to accompany these posts and hopefully I'll be able to share some thrilling news soon. But probably not, because once again...change is a sloth.

Anyways...today is the first day of October! How joyous! Everyone should love this month. It is seriously the best of the Autumn season. Pumpkins, Halloween, sweater weather...EVERYTHING. So please go and enjoy all that you can out of this glorious month.

The Necessisties of Learning to Let Go

I'm currently moving out of my apartment. Although I've literally had the entire summer, I've waited until two weeks before I have to be out to actually do some serious packing, which is just so typically me. But I've truly fallen in love with this apartment. Although I am sincerely very excited for this upcoming year, this apartment has been my home for the past two years and I'm having a hard time letting go of it.

See, I am the type of person who assigns meaning to everything in my life. It's a little ridiculous, actually. I hold onto things with such an incredible strength. And not just things. People, relationships, and on the most shallow terms, material possessions (confession: I may be something of a hoarder...but not too bad, I promise!) And the worst part of all of it, is that many times the relationships I insist on keeping are not the best for me.

Anyways, I was reading through Matthew 4 the other day, and this passage really struck me:

"Jesus called out to them, 'Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!' And they left their nets at once and followed him. A little farther up the shore he saw two other brothers, James and John...and He called them to come, too. They immediately followed him, leaving the boat and their father behind." -Matthew 4:19-22

I'm no theologian by any means, but I feel like this passage makes it pretty clear that after just a few short words, the disciples immediately dropped what they were doing and followed after Jesus.

What. The. Heck.

Can we all just collectively take a moment to let that sink in? It's kind of mind-blowing when you actually think about it, right? Well...at least it is for me.

I don't exactly know how to put into words why I find this so amazing, partly because it is late and my thoughts are not at their most coherent right now (I should really stop night blogging) but also because my mind can't fully wrap around how awesome this idea is.

I mean think about it. What did the disciples do before they were disciples? Obviously they had lives and families and maybe even girlfriends (did they have girlfriend's back then? Who knows.) Maybe they even had successful lives, but what I'm trying to get at is, in that moment when Jesus called them, their personal lives didn't matter. Whatever they had going on paled in comparison to the call of Jesus and they left it all to follow Him.

If I'm being completely honest here, I think God could physically stand before me and lay out a picture-by-picture plan of what He wants out of me and I would still find some way to doubt Him. Because I hold onto people and things with such ferocity, I seem to continuously fight Him on what to let go of. I live in this mentality that what and who I've surrounded myself with is what is best for me. And so many times, it's the complete opposite. My life would be so much better...so much healthier and so much more focused on the things that matter, if I could just have the faith to let go of these distractions.

This is so cliche but letting go is hard. It  hurts. It hurts insanely bad. Especially when it involves letting go of someone you truly care about. It seems so nonsensical. Why would God want us to let go of people who bring so much happiness? However, I think what I'm learning is that when you hold on so tightly to someone, it blinds you to their faults. You can't see how unhealthy it really is. You don't want to see the negativity in it.

And how amazing is it, that God loves us so much that He calls us to let go of these people and things for our own good? It may hurt at the moment, but it's going to save us from so much pain. And it just blows my mind that even in the times when I question and I fight God on this, He is still looking out for me.

Man. God is just so sneakily awesome sometimes. 

I want to get to the point that the only thing I cling to is God. I want to be able to have the ability to drop my current life and chase after whatever He has for me. People are truly so wonderful and God places people in our lives to help grow us and have awesome friendships with, but in the end, I don't want these relationships to become hindrances to the life that He has called me to.

As always I hope this made a modicum of sense, even though I think I am rambling. And I think I'm rambling in a repetitive way, but I just feel like I have not done a good job with this post. I feel like I am using this to yell at myself, which sounds extremely odd but this has to be one of the biggest obstacles in my life currently. And I don't want it to be that way anymore.

Relieving Love

People are beautiful. Sometimes frustrating, sometimes annoying, but always beautiful.

And I forget that too easily.

Why is it so incredibly hard for us to love each other? I know the logical answer, or I should say the "Sunday school" answer: that we are sinful human beings who are fighting against our flesh's desire for selfishness. And that's true. Completely true. However, that doesn't change the fact that I wish it came easier to me than it does.

Lately I've been reading Blue Like Jazz, and let me tell you...that book is blowing my mind. I definitely recommend it. Anywho, there's a part in the book that literally made me just stop and say "what in the world" and then when I really thought about it, I realized that part should not have shocked me. Let me set the scene for you: 

The author of the book is Donald Miller, who I believe at the time was auditing a class at Reed College, which according to him is said to be one of the most "godless" campuses. Miller was a part of a small group of Christians who wanted to do something for God and their community during the annual Ren Fayre, which is basically a weekend of partying and fun. To make a long summary short, they decided to set up a Confession Booth available to anyone who wanted to check it out during the weekend. However, there's a twist. The Confession booth wasn't about these non-believers confessing their sins to believers...it was actually the other way around. The Christians were confessing their sins, and apologizing for the many terrible things that have been done under the name of God and all the ways in which Christians have been lacking.

Wait, what? We should apologize for that stuff? 

It seems so simple right? When I hear about the crusades or even in most recent events, the truly despicable things that Westboro Baptist has done, I've always just written them off as fanatics who completely misunderstood the message of God. People who truly had no idea who He was; people who didn't actually believe in the same God that I do. Here's the thing though, just because I know that, and you may know that...non-believers don't. 

It's no secret that one of the biggest complaints against Christians is that we're hypocritical and judgmental. We hear that all the time. But I wonder, do we ever truly take credit for it? Do we ever actually own up to it?

Along with my Blue Like Jazz kick, I've also been somewhat obsessed with documentaries lately. I watched One Nation Under God and Beware of Christians, and it saddened me so much to listen to what people had to say about us. Not because it was hard to hear (although it was) it was more because all I wanted to do while watching was to run to them and reassure them that Jesus loves them so much more than they could every imagine and I felt like I had to apologize for myself and my fellow believers for misrepresenting and skewing that.

I was in the shelter of Christianity my whole life. Raised in church, went to a Christian school from fourth grade to senior year. Before coming to SU, I don't think I realized how truly judgmental I could be to non-Christians. I judged them for partying and drinking. I judged them for not caring about others. Just thinking about it, makes me so annoyed at myself because I had no right, and will never, have the right to judge others. I am a mess. I am full of brokenness and hurt and pain. I need God in all areas of my life. My weaknesses may never be with partying or drinking, but that doesn't mean I don't fall and stumble on a consistent basis with other sins. And it took a lot for me to finally realize that I needed to get over myself. I needed to stop being such a brat and truly love those around me.

I'm just going to be honest, I am really bad at loving others. Or let me re-phrase that. I love people. Like I said above, people to me are absolutely beautiful. But I have the tendency, once they hurt me or reject me, to reject them. I close off and I'm done. I can be entirely without grace. Isn't that just a bunch of silliness? I mean I believe in a God who is full of grace. I have done SO many things that has done little to warrant any grace from Him, but He freely gives it. So why can't I do the same?

It's because I let my own problems and struggles get in the way of loving others. But the whole point of love, is to be there for that person through whatever. The good, bad and ugly. Through the flaws. Because that's what we all are. Flawed, imperfect people. And I forget that so much. I forget that I am a flawed human being who is only alive through the grace of God. So how can I go throughout life, rejecting those who reject me, hating those who put up a fight and shunning those who hurt me? Genuine love goes beyond that. Genuine love is seeing past that and to the person inside who is lost and scared and in desperate need of a God who will love them unconditionally.

Recently I started attending a new church. I think I'm a bit of a church hopper. However, I do think I've found a home in this church. Not because it is without flaws, or has the perfect worship band and pastor. It's because of the overwhelming sense of community and love I felt upon entering that place. It is breathtaking to witness a church of believers who genuinely live out this kind of love. Not only is it a beautiful thing to witness as a fellow believer, but it is truly encouraging to be a recipient of this love. And I desire SO much to be the kind of person who loves others above myself. Above my selfish desires.

Gosh. I don't even know what this post has become. It's definitely not what I intended to write about. It just kind of had a mind of it's own. Hopefully though, this has made some sort of sense.

Free Thoughts/Free Listening

I'm going to take a break and step off of my railings against the modern church, and take a step onto another soapbox for a change.

There's something that I've begun to notice about myself and others. Conversations between one another have become less of a chance to listen and learn, and more of a competition to outwit, or out-brag one another.

Before I begin, I have to be honest and admit that I am a complete hypocrite. I have the tendency to do this often and I am a terrible listener. I really am. I seem to have the ability to listen to every other conversation around me, except the one I'm in. It's ridiculous. Even through this blog, I'm being a hypocrite. All I do with this is write down MY thoughts and MY opinions. I don't take into account what others may think about the topic. It's just all my own opinions. So please know that I lumping myself in with all of this.

Anywho.
 
I noticed this in recent conversations that I've had, and in how I converse with others. I observed that halfway through someone talking, an inevitable interruption would take place from someone else, relaying a story of something they did, or experienced that related to the topic. Which is all fine and dandy. I have no problem with sharing stories, in fact, I adore stories. However, when it comes to the point that you can't even listen to what the other person is saying because you're waiting for the perfect opening to jump in and share what you want to say...well then it becomes a problem.

Conversation has morphed into some kind of weird competition thing, hasn't it? It's become this "oh you got stung by a bee? Well let me tell you about the time I got stung by a bee AND encountered a shark" (Okay. That was probably a terrible example, but what can I say? I love sharks and somehow they end up in every example/metaphor I give) My point is, it shouldn't be some kind of bragging competition, or your opportunity to share a monologue.

There's this guy I know, who is pretty great at conversing with people, mainly because he doesn't talk. At least not while the other person is talking. He genuinely listens and cares about what the other person says. And guess what? He even remembers things they've said from previous conversations, even the most minor details that others would overlook. Maybe that's not a big deal to anyone else, but it is to me. And I admire him greatly for it. And not only is it something I admire, but it's also a character trait I desperately want to achieve. Whenever I talk with this guy and he mentions something I said, something I didn't really consider that important, it shows me that he was really listening. I mean, if he can remember some minor detail, then he definitely was listening to the more important parts. And for some reason that really comforts me.

We all want someone who will listen to us. And I think sometimes we focus SO much on that, you know...having someone who will listen, that we forget to listen. If you truly think about it, conversation is beautiful and so essential to our lives. There are times when we need to talk, when we need to share, and when we need to unburden ourselves. It's such a special thing, and too often I am caught up in my own desire to share and speak that I forget that. 

My prayer for myself, is that I learn how to be silent in conversation. Not because I'm bored or anything like that, but because I am taking in what the other person is saying, remembering the small and major details, and simply listening to them. That's what I want.

Anywho. I did not intend this post to be this long. As always, I hope that it somehow ended up making sense..if not, well than I'm very sorry.

When Religion Overrides Relationship

"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."
-Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz)

There is nothing more unattractive to me, than a Christian rooted in legalism. And by unattractive, I'm not referring to outward appearance...I'm talking about the fact that my soul literally finds those kinds of people so off-putting that everything inside of me just wants to run away from them the moment they open their mouths.

Please forgive me, if I've already talked about this, but...I just can't seem to shake the feeling that this movement of legalistic Christianity is not going away anytime soon. In fact, it seems to be growing. And that's not great.

I looked up the definition of legalism because I'm cliche like that, and apparently it means (well according to dictionary.com, which is super reliable, guys...) an "excessive adherence to law or formula, or dependence on moral law, rather than on personal religious faith". I'm not sure why, but the latter half of the definition really struck a chord in me, which is why I felt the need to blog about this topic once again. I know...how fun for you readers.

BUT SERIOUSLY. Dependence on moral law, rather than on personal religious faith? Really? How does that sound right to anyone? This may be one of the reasons why I get so incensed by legalistic Christians. Have you not read the Bible? Did you not read about Jesus coming to abolish the old law? Did you not read about His fantastically bold and cutting encounters with the Pharisees? Did you not read how Jesus is looking for an intimate, love-filled relationship with us? I mean...goodness gracious. How, what? I don't understand.

There is something fundamentally wrong, when we as a people, care more about what a person is wearing, or whether or not they are following the "rules", than caring about their personal relationship with God, and what He is doing in their lives.

I'm not a scholar or a cool theologian or any kind. I really don't have any "teachings" on which I can base this post on. It's just personal experience. BUT...to me, legalism is all about you. It's the dependence on ourselves, on what we can do. Not what God can do. Legalism doesn't set out to follow  rules out of a genuine heart, but rather out of ritual and wanting to have achieve the "perfect Christian" reputation. There is no connection with God. Think about it. It's unpleasantly easy to "act" like the perfect Christian at church. But it's all just an act. And the only person getting hurt is you, because you're the one missing out on the beautiful intimacy a relationship with God can only provide.

The saddest and most frustrating part of all of this is that so many people who are spouting out legalistic philosophies, often times don't even realize it. I have been criticized for not wearing the "appropriate" church clothes, not watching or liking the right things, and even for wanting to get a tattoo, all by the same person, that while constantly chastising me, empthatically profused that they were not legalistic in the slightest.

Right.

It's just so incredibly frustrating! I know I have been coming across very harsh, but I want emphasize that I love these people. Truly I do. But oh my goodness gracious, if I could have the super power to slap some sense into people...well let's just say, I would have done so. Not that I have much sense myself, but I can at least see how being preoccupied with someone getting a tattoo rather than on their heart and what God has place in them, is a little nonsensical.

And as a result of legalistic Christianity, the already existing divide among churches and believers, is getting even wider. Which, as you know, is just splendid. Because why on earth, would we want to be a body of unified believers working together to do great things for God? How would that be helpful? I mean...it's not like the devil would be scared of that or anything. Nope. Not at all. We're much better off as a faith divided amongst itself. We will do great things like that. (okay, sarcastic rant is over. I promise).

However, let me not completely be a negative ned. Over this past semester, I have come to know amazing Christians. People who are genuinely seeking after God and a relationship with Him. People who are...unconventional. In the way we all should be. And that has truly been the most encouraging, amazing thing to be apart of.

Again, it's just frustrating. I mean, if surrendering to God means falling into ritual and habit, then what separates us from other religions? Actually, let me rephrase that...what makes Christianity a faith, rather than a religion?

If you take away the beauty that is God, the fact that He loves us enough to look at our disgusting selves and still want to have a relationship with Him, than what is left?....Honestly? Nothing.

I Just Want to Stay Here, Here Where I Belong.

God's presence. Oh my goodness. Is there anything more beautiful than experiencing it?

I really don't think there is. It's just so fulfilling, you know? So full of peace and just...rightness. I'm not even sure rightness is a word, but I'm going to use it anyways. It's just so wonderful. The way it makes me feel...it's like seeing the boy you're in love with. That feeling of nervous butterflies that consumes you so much you can't even form a coherent thought. It's just like that. At least for me. And last Thursday, I experienced that presence in a way I have always wanted too: by crying. I know that sounds weird, but I've always wanted to cry in God's presence and I rarely do. I closed my eyes and felt His presence in such a tangible way. I could practically feel Him hugging me and calming all of my insecurities. I've been a Christian all of my life and I've never felt something like that before. But let me tell you, it's such a beautiful, wonderful amazing thing.

And it's in these moments that I get it. I finally get what it means to fall in love with Him everyday.

Guys, God is just so good. I could fill pages and pages of words describing Him, but never get close to accurately describing how perfect He is. I am completely blown away by Him. And the beauty of my relationships rests in the knowledge that He wants me. To him, I am enough. And I can't tell you how much that means to me. 

See, I've never really "fit in" anywhere. I've walked through countless circles of friends, but I've never found a place where I belong, as pathetic as that sounds. I'm just either too much or too little. Too outspoken in my opinions or too soft-spoken and forgettable. And truly, for once I am not writing this from a place of self-pity or victimization. It's just kind of a fact. A fact that I am becoming quite okay with. I've learned so much from it. I've learned what it means to be independent and most importantly, what it means to truly rely on God.

He is literally my everything.

He is my father, comforting me with soft words of encouragement and love, when I feel worthless and not good enough. As weird as it may sound, he is my husband when I'm having car troubles or feeling not so pretty. And most importantly, he is my best friend when it feels like I have no one. He listens to me. He gives me advice and I truly believe that He laughs with me.

I am blessed beyond belief to experience this. I mean, seriously. Have you ever thought of how incredibly blessed we are to experience His love? It's crazy. And I am so thankful for all of it.