The Season of Singleness

I'd like to talk about settling.

The notion of "settling" is tricky. You can come across vain and specific if you refuse to settle for those who don't match your values. However, if you do settle, you are scolded and told that you are a coward. What a confusing society we live in.

And not only is it confusing, but it is impatient.

Has anyone else felt this? The rush to get married as soon as you hit your twenties? Maybe it's just me, but I feel it. It is tangible.

And maybe I'm wrong in this, but I think the pressure to get married quickly is so much stronger in the Christian society. It's almost like, before marriage, your life has little meaning. Being single equates to unhappiness and an unfulfilled life, while marriage means fulfillment and peace.

Do you know how hard it is to remain content in God when this is the mentality that is being pushed on you?

I think marriage is a beautiful thing and I would very much like to be married one day. I just don't want to feel like I am not a "full" person because I haven't found my "other half" yet. I don't want to feel rushed to the point where I'll just settle for anyone.

I've been told so many times, that I should settle. That my values are too specific and that I'll never find someone who shares them. And just to be clear, when I talk about my values, it has nothing to do with outward appearance. I joke quite a bit about my "type" but honestly, looks do not matter to me at all.

No. When I talk about values, I am talking about the things that are held at the core of your being, the things that make you who you are. Those unmovable, concrete beliefs. I want to be with someone whose heart is so in love with God that he would drop me in a second if that's what God called him to do. I know that sounds weird, but I just want both of us to be so in tune with God that we would do anything and go anywhere He called us. That's one of my values. And I just think there is something so beautiful in finding someone who shares those and being able to spend the rest of your life with that person. So why would I want to rush into something that is so sacred and beautiful?

Too many times I think we believe that if we are with someone who is "whole", we'll end up being whole as well. That our brokenness will somehow disappear. I think that is an absolute lie. If there is anything that I have learned this semester, it's that our worth will never be found in others. It can only be found in God. And it should only be found in God.

So I think I'll settle for not settling.

We are a society that rushes into everything and patience has become a dying art. This season is a season. It's not a time where God is being mean and keeping me away from someone. I think He is using it to grow, heal and teach me how to find my fulfillment and worth in Him.

And not only that, but in the most shallow sense of everything, it's a time where I kinda get to do what I want. I know that sounds awful but seriously. This is the only time you can  really travel, be spontaneous and go on adventures. The time where you really get to discover who you are and learn how to be content on your own. It's a very special and humbling time, I think.

The Necessisties of Learning to Let Go

I'm currently moving out of my apartment. Although I've literally had the entire summer, I've waited until two weeks before I have to be out to actually do some serious packing, which is just so typically me. But I've truly fallen in love with this apartment. Although I am sincerely very excited for this upcoming year, this apartment has been my home for the past two years and I'm having a hard time letting go of it.

See, I am the type of person who assigns meaning to everything in my life. It's a little ridiculous, actually. I hold onto things with such an incredible strength. And not just things. People, relationships, and on the most shallow terms, material possessions (confession: I may be something of a hoarder...but not too bad, I promise!) And the worst part of all of it, is that many times the relationships I insist on keeping are not the best for me.

Anyways, I was reading through Matthew 4 the other day, and this passage really struck me:

"Jesus called out to them, 'Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!' And they left their nets at once and followed him. A little farther up the shore he saw two other brothers, James and John...and He called them to come, too. They immediately followed him, leaving the boat and their father behind." -Matthew 4:19-22

I'm no theologian by any means, but I feel like this passage makes it pretty clear that after just a few short words, the disciples immediately dropped what they were doing and followed after Jesus.

What. The. Heck.

Can we all just collectively take a moment to let that sink in? It's kind of mind-blowing when you actually think about it, right? Well...at least it is for me.

I don't exactly know how to put into words why I find this so amazing, partly because it is late and my thoughts are not at their most coherent right now (I should really stop night blogging) but also because my mind can't fully wrap around how awesome this idea is.

I mean think about it. What did the disciples do before they were disciples? Obviously they had lives and families and maybe even girlfriends (did they have girlfriend's back then? Who knows.) Maybe they even had successful lives, but what I'm trying to get at is, in that moment when Jesus called them, their personal lives didn't matter. Whatever they had going on paled in comparison to the call of Jesus and they left it all to follow Him.

If I'm being completely honest here, I think God could physically stand before me and lay out a picture-by-picture plan of what He wants out of me and I would still find some way to doubt Him. Because I hold onto people and things with such ferocity, I seem to continuously fight Him on what to let go of. I live in this mentality that what and who I've surrounded myself with is what is best for me. And so many times, it's the complete opposite. My life would be so much better...so much healthier and so much more focused on the things that matter, if I could just have the faith to let go of these distractions.

This is so cliche but letting go is hard. It  hurts. It hurts insanely bad. Especially when it involves letting go of someone you truly care about. It seems so nonsensical. Why would God want us to let go of people who bring so much happiness? However, I think what I'm learning is that when you hold on so tightly to someone, it blinds you to their faults. You can't see how unhealthy it really is. You don't want to see the negativity in it.

And how amazing is it, that God loves us so much that He calls us to let go of these people and things for our own good? It may hurt at the moment, but it's going to save us from so much pain. And it just blows my mind that even in the times when I question and I fight God on this, He is still looking out for me.

Man. God is just so sneakily awesome sometimes. 

I want to get to the point that the only thing I cling to is God. I want to be able to have the ability to drop my current life and chase after whatever He has for me. People are truly so wonderful and God places people in our lives to help grow us and have awesome friendships with, but in the end, I don't want these relationships to become hindrances to the life that He has called me to.

As always I hope this made a modicum of sense, even though I think I am rambling. And I think I'm rambling in a repetitive way, but I just feel like I have not done a good job with this post. I feel like I am using this to yell at myself, which sounds extremely odd but this has to be one of the biggest obstacles in my life currently. And I don't want it to be that way anymore.