Acts 2:44

Have you ever taken a second to think about how many sermons in church are based off the idea of servant hood? Or how there always seems to be hundreds and hundreds of volunteer opportunities that it's almost overwhelming to think about? I wonder why that is. Why do so many of the messages we hear seem to revolve around that one idea?

I think it's because so many of us have yet to fully grasp the true meaning of servant hood.

I feel like a hypocrite even writing about this because I used to be extremely bitter towards any message on serving. In my mind, it wasn't preached with good intentions, but rather as a ploy from the church to get more volunteers. In hindsight I realize that much of what I felt was a result of how burned out I was. I was volunteering for too many things at one time and blamed it on the church instead of myself. Which, sidenote, don't do that. Volunteering for 80,000 things does not make you a better Christian than someone else, or make you holier than someone else. Just volunteer for what you feel called to do. Otherwise, you will get burnt out and you will hate everything.

Anywho.

I think (like so many other things) we've let American ideals blend together with Christian principles. And that is rarely a good thing. As society we're told to help others, but there's always some sort of hidden agenda within it. And our culture encourages that principle. There always has to be some kind of reward or recognition that comes with our seemingly selfless act. I think, as Christians, we've kind of adopted this idea. We've created this... expectancy when serving others. We can deny it until we're absolutely out of breath, but it exists. I realized that there are so many times I serve others with some hidden intention in my heart. Whether it be recognition or the security that the person I'm serving will one day return the favor, the expectancy exists. And I hate it.

This is completely not how I'm supposed to serve others. This isn't how we are supposed to serve others. I want to serve someone out of a joyful and willing heart. I don't want them to feel obligated to me. I don't want to expect something in return.

(and again, I think I'm making too many generalizations here because I have met so many Christians who serve others entirely out of genuine love for God)

I think I've come to the point in this blog where I've completely overused this example, but the church in Acts guys. Oh my goodness. Is there a better example? THEY GAVE UP THEIR LAND FOR ONE ANOTHER. What in the world? This blows my mind EVERY time I read it! I can't seem to get over it. That's what true servant hood looks like. Helping out of the genuine love you have for God and others. 

I want to serve in love. I want to serve others because I have so much love for Jesus that it just pours out into every area of my life and I won't be able to physically stop helping others. No expectations. No rewards. Just genuine love and care for others.

A Reckless Love too Wild to Understand

Reckless: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless".

There's just something about the word "reckless" that instantly sets my heart beating fast. Maybe it's just because I fancy myself a reckless person in some aspects of my life...or maybe it's just the idea of it and what I think about when I hear or see that word.

Regardless of what comes to mind, I cannot think of a better word to describe the love we should have for God. I know it may seem wrong, especially since the word reckless is used to label so many negative things, but it just seems so...right to me. I honestly can't think of a more perfect, or fitting word for it.

Think about it: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences...without caution". Can you imagine how many things we would do for Jesus if we were completely unconcerned about the consequences? We wouldn't care what society says about us, or what our friends would think about us. We would just do. We would do it out of this crazy, irrpresable love we have for Him and nothing would be able to stop us.

How amazing would that be?!
 
Having a reckless love for Him means putting aside the insecurities or fears we may have and going after Him in full abandonment. It's complete surrender. I want that. I want to be recklessly in love with Him. I want to be completely surrendered to His will that no matter what He calls me to do or where He calls me, that I would go and do without a second thought. 

There's not much else I can really say about this other than just think about it. Think about how truly free we would be if we allowed ourselves to let go and recklessly loved Him with everything we had. It would be crazy. The kind of crazy that our world needs. The kind of crazy that Jesus delights in. 

I hope that this isn't coming across as judgmental or preachy. I, myself, have trouble letting go. The idea of being recklessly abandoned to God is terrifying. But...it's also kind of really exciting. And I just really can't wait til I can get to this point and be used by God without holding back. 

I think it'd be kind of fantastic.

Oh! This whole post was very much inspired by Up in Arms by Hillsong United. So here's a link. Listen to it because not only are the lyrics wonderful, but the music is so on point:

Can we get some love for the old?

I know, I know. I posted just two short days ago. But sometimes when the blog bug hits, you must listen and post away.

Anyways. This post will probably offend some...but honestly when do my posts (except the ones where I am being vain and talking about myself) not ruffle a few feathers? So we can all just ignore this little disclaimer. But I should add this one on: I think this is going to come off sounding like I'm very bitter, but I'm honestly not. I promise. I admit I've written some posts with bitter notes in them, but this is not one of them. It's just something that I've been noticing more and more lately.

Maybe it's just me, or the age group I'm with, or even the place I'm at, but lately I've just been getting this feeling that being an "old" Christian is just not very cool anymore. Or at least being an older young adult Christian isn't cool anymore.

Should I explain this? I think I should.

 I've been a Christian since I was five and rededicated my life to God when I was fourteen. I've gone through many ups and downs, great times and bad times, but I've never completely walked away from God. I don't think I ever could. He is ingrained (in a lovely way) into my system and He could never, and I'd never, want Him to get out.Well apparently, at least in the young adult atmosphere, this isn't normal. I have new believers come up to me and ask something along the lines of "so what were you like in your BC days?" And perhaps I should explain the whole "bc" concept. "BC Days" basically means what you were like before you surrendered your life to God. It's just a cutesy way of describing all the not so lovely things you participated in before Jesus.

Whenever someone asks me this, I don't actually have an answer unless I want to talk about what a horrible child I was before five, which lets face it...were any of us rays of sunshine at 2? No. Anyways, after I tell them that I do not, in fact, have BC days, I get this...look. Ohhh how to describe this look? I guess you could say it's almost...condescending in a way? Maybe that's not the right word. Pity might be better. Yes actually pity works well. It's like they pity me because I've never "acted out" or done something I insanely regret and therefore my testimony is not as powerful as theirs. I can't witness to someone who used to party every night because I never did that. I don't have the right. I'm not even going to get into how so many people seem to take pride in their BC days, because this post would end up being a year long or something ridiculous like that. But let me just say, what in the world? If it's not the pitying looks, then it's looks of disbelief or doubt. I've had people actually question whether or not I'm saved because I've been a Christian so long...and half of this isn't even from my peers, but from the leaders themselves!

Thank you. Because that is not belittling at all.

The sad thing is that so many of the ministries I've been involved in lately seem to just reinforce this idea. I can't tell you how many messages I've sat through that are basically, "Repent! Surrender! Live for Jesus!" And yes. I am completely ALL for this! This is what Christianity is about. But sometimes I'd  just like to dive further into the bible and learn other things besides that message. I want to grow, you know? I want to be able to ask all these questions I have without "oh we can't get into that yet, because so many people don't know the story of Jesus yet". I think I can count one ministry around me that's directed towards "older" Christians. And I am absolutely in love with it. However, compared to the 15 or so other ministries on campus that are dedicated to helping new believers, it's a little sad.

Oh and just because I am an older Christian, please don't tell me that it is my sole responsibility to mentor and disciple others. I am not against that at all. Actually, the thought of being someone's mentor is very exciting to me. However, please don't forget that I am still growing. I still need someone to help us. Yes, I have been a Christian for quite some time, but I (and no one does) don't have all the answers. I need guidance as well. But it's very hard to receive that guidance when so many ministries get so caught up with converting new people and ignore the others in their congregation. Please don't forget about that. That's how ministries loose so many people. Because they neglect us "older Christians" and spend all their energy on new believers.
Oh gosh. I feel like a horrible person even posting this because I can see how whiny and snobby it may seem to others. I am sorry. I'm not trying to be a snob. I'd just like to stop feeling like I'm condescended because I haven't just now given my life to God. 

Okay. I'll be done now. I just had to get this off my chest.

Life is a Gift of Fresh Cut Roses (or in other words, a typical look into the mind of a young adult facing an unknown future)

I was listening to "With Everything" by Hillsong the other day and as I was, a memory flashed through my mind. 

I was at youth group and we were watching a video of Hillsong performing (probably not the right word) one of their songs. As I watched, I remember feeling this desire grow in me, this...sense of purpose.  I remember thinking, "this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant for something like this." I was incredibly confident.

How far I've come from where I used to be. 

When I was fifteen, I knew I wanted to do something in ministry. When I was sixteen, I began telling people I was going to be a youth pastor. 

I had, definitely still have, a passion for teenagers. I think they are often overlooked and underestimated, but if any age group is going to change the world, it's going to be them. I say that with all the sincerity I can muster. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. At the time, I was going to go to Covenant, a beautiful Christian college literally on top of a mountain. I even was going to room with two girls that were in my class. But that wasn't the plan God had for me. I ended up staying home for two years, going to a community college, something I never wanted to do, but something that definitely humbled me. During those two years, I went through the transition of student to youth leader. It's impossible to go through that process without any awkwardness, especially if you happened to grow up in that ministry, as I had. Despite the awkwardness, I fell in love with it. The teens were just so different. So full of genuine love for God that it always blew my mind. I completely fell in love with them, and I firmly believe that they are one amazingly special group of teens. I loved everything about being a youth leader. Eventually, I knew that everything wouldn't continue to be so rosy. I knew eventually things would come to a head. And they did. Unfortunate events happened, events that caused me to become very bitter and hardened. Events that I am still trying to find complete closure on, and am working towards moving on from them with forgiveness and love.

Anywho.

Despite this, my desire to be in ministry didn't fade; it just became more broad. I ended up at Salisbury University, a plan that I sometimes still ask God about. 


It's funny, really. When I thought about what I wanted to write about in my next post, this wasn't it. Not really. I'm actually sort of at a loss right now of where I want to go with this. It's kinda of just flown from my mind to my fingers. 

I had intended to talk about my current job. How I am very grateful for it, but still feel the unending tugging of restlessness. However, I don't think I am going to talk about that, because I think I'm beginning to realize that this feeling of restlessness goes hand-in-hand with the young adult mindset.

I'm not going to lie. I am a restless person. I am a lover of change, a chaser of recklessness and adventure. However, every young adult reaches that point in their life where they are faced with their future, and go towards it with uncertainty and fear. It's normal, I suppose. And something I don't think that can be avoided.

 One thing I am certain of is that I've changed. In some good ways, and in some not so good ways, such as the nature of change goes. But that's the beauty of change isn't it? How unpredictable it can be, and how it is a constant learning process. I know that I have become stronger, more independent, and more "aware" of who I am. When I was younger, growing up in church, whatever was given to me I would take. Many times, I wouldn't think for myself, I would take what was said to me by my Sunday school teachers and youth leaders at face value. Which isn't necessarily wrong, but there is something incredibly uplifting and good about discovering things for yourself. You don't always have to agree with what someone tells you. If you disagree, look it up. Explore it. Hold it up to the Bible. Form an opinion based on that. Not by what someone tells you. I've learned a lot about myself here at Salisbury. I am discovering more about who I am: things that I find joy in, my strengths, what sets me apart, and new found passions (for example: my views on the modern church). At the same time, I'm also discovering the more ugly aspects of my personality. The capacity I have for selfishness and jealously, and an ever-growing lists of fears and insecurities.

One thing though that has remained the same is that desire for ministry. Whatever it may be, missions, youth pastor, camp counselor even, I know that I need to be involved in it some way. As I mentioned right above, I've let space, jealously and insecurities cloud that, but my desire still remains strong. I suppose this relates to what I originally wanted to write about, but I just...I don't want to spend my life working job after job. I want to do something I'm passionate about. Like everyone else my age! I know how unrealistic it is, but I could truly care less about making money. If I have enough to get through the day, I'll be okay with that. I know I can be a ball of stress and anxiety, but I'm slowly working on letting go and trusting God. 

I just, I want so much more. Since I was a teen, I've wanted to impact the world in some small way and as silly as it may sound, I'm getting older. I'm not guaranteed any day and I feel like I haven't done anything. At least not anything significant. 

I have to apologize because it's nearly 1am and I am running on less than four hours of sleep from the previous night, and I know that this is all pretty much just a long nonsensical list of ramblings. Ramblings that almost everyone has gone through, are going through, or will go through at one point in their lives. 

I just want to get out there and do something. You know?

It's funny because I am the happiest, the most joyful, the most content when I'm sitting with a group of people, discussing things about God. I imagine a life filled with that. Pouring out as much love as I can on those precious, beautiful people in third world countries whose faith and resilience will always blow my mind. I imagine talking and hanging out with a bunch of teens, and telling all of them how wonderful they are. How they can change the world; how important they are and to never feel worthless. And I imagine not having a typical life. I imagine spending my life doing something good. Something for God. 

Something fearless. Something I'm meant to do.
  

 



 

The Do's and Don'ts of Proper Church Behavior

Have you ever thought about how many unspoken rules/behaviors that take place in a single church service? 

We almost always clap after the first worship song, we know to get the in the "prayer position" when the lights dim, and we know to be respectful and quiet while the pastor is talking.

So what happens when someone disrupts these patterns? How do we react?

Not well. 

Today at church, I was sitting near the back and there was a mentally-challenged older lady sitting close by who was muttering to herself every few minutes. Though it wasn't too loud, she was certainly getting attention for it. Many people around me, including myself, turned around to stare at her. I suppose it was our passive-aggressive way to tell her to be quiet. As I stared at her, I started ask why I was irritated by her. Sure, she was talking out loud, but to be honest, it wasn't loud enough to cause that much of a distraction, let alone, that much attention. I think I was staring her because she was breaking the "norm" of church behavior.

Something similar happened earlier this year. It was again during service, and the pastor had asked the congregation a question. Well...as faithful members of church, we all know that when a pastor asks a question, he usually doesn't want an answer. It's rhetorical. Or something we answer in our minds. A man sitting in the front row, raised his hand to answer the question. He was instantly met with either looks that seemed to question his intelligence or ignored. I watched as he slowly put his hand down, and looked completely dejected. He left soon after that and I found myself deeply disappointed with my fellow Christians.

Yet I found myself doing the same thing today to a lady that did not deserve it. 

 And sadly these "distractions"-- oh excuse me, I mean people-- are not shown love, but rather the door out. We remove the things causing the disruptions. I've seen it in many churches. An usher quietly walks over to that pesky person who is stopping the faithful followers of the church from listening to that anointed message, and are asked to leave. 

I mean really. That's about as Christlike as we can get, right?

Please don't misunderstand me. Order is important. I understand that. I've been to churches where it's pretty much just chaos. But to ask someone to leave, or shoot them dirty looks, because they don't understand the "rules" of church is ridiculous.

If you think about it, most of those who go against the norms, have never been to church before. So how can we expect to instantly know "how to act". We show them the door when we should be welcoming them. Church is supposed to be a place of safety and comfort where believers come together to worship and care about each other. Who cares if someone isn't conducting themselves in the way we expect them too. And if they are honestly being disrespectful or causing a serious distraction to the point where the pastor can't get through his message, then lovingly pull them aside after church and explain why what they did was wrong. Don't just make them leave and not tell them why. That happens far too much.

Oh my goodness.

I just...I hate that we do this. I hate that I do this.

People are so precious and throughout history, Christians and churches have had a reputation of turning away those who need God the most. I don't want to be that Christian. I don't want, nor do I have the right, to judge someone and put them out because they aren't exhibiting proper church behavior like the rest of us.

Jesus is so good and He loves everyone despite their appearance or how they may act. We need to actually live this instead of just saying we do. I feel so convicted because I am so guilty of judging someone based off of their behavior.

But I don't want to be that person anymore. It isn't right. It isn't what we are called to be.

We Just Want the Fire in Our Bones

I think I've firmly established that I'm a bit of an oddball.

So with that said it should come as no surprise that passages like the valley of dry bones and ones that almost seem to be yelling or scolding are the ones that inspire me the most.

One of my favorite verses is Romans 13:11
 "You know what sort of times we live in, and so you should live properly. It is time to wake up. You know that the day when we will be saved is nearer than when we first put our faith in the Lord. Night is almost over, and day will soon appear. We must stop behaving as people do in the dark and be ready to live in the light."

Guys. This verse is awesome and it just cuts straight to the heart. Like there is no messing around with this verse. No way to interpret it into something other than a wake up call.

I've already mentioned how I feel about the modern church. Now I want to talk about us. Modern Christians.

Can I just first say...what in the world is wrong with us?!

We've become so tolerant of pratically everything in our society. We don't take a stand for anything anymore. And if we do, the majority of the time it's looked down on by other Christians or something that is completely not in line with what the Bible says.

For example. Gay marriage. Yes, I am going there. I'm sorry I can't help it. It honestly blows my mind how Christians can stand up for gay marriage. How have we gotten to a point that we not only tolerate, but support something that goes completely against what is written in the Bible? Ok. I'll stop because that whole thing frustrates me to no end and I don't want to go off on a whole other tangent.

We're so full of fear it's ridiculous. I am so full of fear it's ridiculous.  And I don't understand why. There really is nothing to be afraid of. What's the worst thing that can happen to us? Death? Oh well. We get Heaven...so it's kind of a win-win. But I find that in so many situations I hold my beliefs back because I am afraid. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing this.

Our nation is literally going into such a gross place and are we really just going to sit back and let it all happen because we don't want to offend anyone? When was the last time we've all come together to stand up against something that is wrong and stuck with it? Most times we're all just talk but when it comes to actually facing the consequences we get too afraid to continue. Do we even come together for anything anymore? Another weird favorite verse of mine is Revelation 19:5-6:
"From the throne a voice said, 'If you worship and fear our God, give praise to Him, no matter who you are.' Then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together. They were saying: 'Praise the Lord! Our Lord God All-Powerful now rules as king.'"

My favorite part of those verses is "then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together". Can you imagine how amazing and powerful it would be if we all came together as one to praise God? Dude. It would be insane.

Unfortunately we let petty differences like denominations, churches, and different views keep us from ever being unified, and because of that, we've lost so much of the influence we could have.

I mentioned above that the valley of dry bones inspires me. If you haven't read it (and I definitely recommend reading it), it's about God taking Ezekiel to a valley that if full of dry bones. The Lord asks him if the dry bones can ever be made into living people again. He instructs Ezekiel to speak a prophetic message to them, saying the Lord will breathe life into them and make them live again. They eventually come to life again and the Lord says:

“Son of man, these bones represent the people of Israel. They are saying, ‘We have become old, dry bones—all hope is gone. Our nation is finished.’  Therefore, prophesy to them and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I will open your graves of exile and cause you to rise again. Then I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ When this happens, O my people, you will know that I am the Lord.  I will put my Spirit in you, and you will live again and return home to your own land. Then you will know that I, the Lord, have spoken, and I have done what I said. Yes, the Lord has spoken!’”
Ezekiel 37:11-14

I think many of us are like that today. There are many of us and we have the potential but we've let ourselves become dried up and dead in our faith. 

We need a breath of life in our bones.

 

This Is Not My Home.

"This is not our home". "We are not of this world".

We hear these phrases over and over again. In sermons, from believers, there's even a clothing and accessory place dedicated to this phrase. Seriously, I can't count the number of times I've heard this and just been like "yeah, yeah I get it". But lately I feel like I'm actually starting to get it.

And I'm starting to get a wee bit restless.

I was lying on the pavement last night in a near empty church parking lot (I am such an odd human) and thinking about this. If this place isn't my home, then why am I investing so much into it? Why am I spending all this time and energy to get a degree that will hopefully get me a good job? Like a degree and a good job isn't going to matter in heaven! Oh gracious. Okay. I'm getting all fired up just thinking about this again. I'll try to calm down a bit.

Ok so here's my thing. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know how extremely blessed I am to be able to go to college. Seriously. I.AM.SO.BLESSED. But I can't help but feeling like I'm wasting my time here. And yes. I know what the answer is to this "feeling". "God has you where he wants you" "God will use you in your job and at school" or "we don't have to go the Africa to change the world" (my personal favorite). I'm not trying to put those down. They're perfectly valid. Actually...are they?

I'm going to get a little more touchy here, but what if those answers aren't exactly right? What if they're kind sorta excuses we tell ourselves to feel more comfortable with our lives? I mean...what about the early church? They went out into the world, without fear, and shared the gospel. Without any thought of a "comfortable" life. They were legit world changers. So what seperates them from us? Why have we fallen into this mindset of "go to college, get a job and try to be financially stable"? Isn't that basically the premise of the "American dream"? Like does God really want us to live comfortably? 

I could go more places with this, but I feel like it's already a touchy enough subject for me to push anymore. 

Maybe it's just because I was created with such a restless (incredibly impatient) passionate heart, but I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD...or at least attempt to make a difference. 

My greatest fear is that I'll come to the end of my life and realize I did nothing. I wanted to change the world when I was a teen and now I'm 21 and feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Well...I guess in the world's eyes I have, but I don't know...I just want to do more with my life. I can't even explain it. I just feel like this need to go out and be like Jesus and stop caring about material things and getting good grades. 

I just want to make a difference.  

I