I Just Want to Stay Here, Here Where I Belong.

God's presence. Oh my goodness. Is there anything more beautiful than experiencing it?

I really don't think there is. It's just so fulfilling, you know? So full of peace and just...rightness. I'm not even sure rightness is a word, but I'm going to use it anyways. It's just so wonderful. The way it makes me feel...it's like seeing the boy you're in love with. That feeling of nervous butterflies that consumes you so much you can't even form a coherent thought. It's just like that. At least for me. And last Thursday, I experienced that presence in a way I have always wanted too: by crying. I know that sounds weird, but I've always wanted to cry in God's presence and I rarely do. I closed my eyes and felt His presence in such a tangible way. I could practically feel Him hugging me and calming all of my insecurities. I've been a Christian all of my life and I've never felt something like that before. But let me tell you, it's such a beautiful, wonderful amazing thing.

And it's in these moments that I get it. I finally get what it means to fall in love with Him everyday.

Guys, God is just so good. I could fill pages and pages of words describing Him, but never get close to accurately describing how perfect He is. I am completely blown away by Him. And the beauty of my relationships rests in the knowledge that He wants me. To him, I am enough. And I can't tell you how much that means to me. 

See, I've never really "fit in" anywhere. I've walked through countless circles of friends, but I've never found a place where I belong, as pathetic as that sounds. I'm just either too much or too little. Too outspoken in my opinions or too soft-spoken and forgettable. And truly, for once I am not writing this from a place of self-pity or victimization. It's just kind of a fact. A fact that I am becoming quite okay with. I've learned so much from it. I've learned what it means to be independent and most importantly, what it means to truly rely on God.

He is literally my everything.

He is my father, comforting me with soft words of encouragement and love, when I feel worthless and not good enough. As weird as it may sound, he is my husband when I'm having car troubles or feeling not so pretty. And most importantly, he is my best friend when it feels like I have no one. He listens to me. He gives me advice and I truly believe that He laughs with me.

I am blessed beyond belief to experience this. I mean, seriously. Have you ever thought of how incredibly blessed we are to experience His love? It's crazy. And I am so thankful for all of it.

You Make It Beautiful

The funny thing about pasts is how hard we seem to work to keep them there.

So profound right? Just kidding.

Seriously though. Isn't it funny how scared some of us are about our pasts? And we all know that anything we fear often has a significant amount of power over our lives. And none of us want that. Still, we cling to this idea that our pasts are so shameful that we need to bury them forever. Why do we do this? And maybe it's just me, but sometimes I think we as Christians go along with this and even encourage others to do the same. Maybe it's because of the whole "die to yourself" thing (not decreasing the value of that verse as it is one of my personal favorites), but we just seem to live with the idea that our pasts are ugly things never to be spoken of again. OR, on the opposite end of the spectrum, we only discuss our pasts when sharing our testimony. I feel like that's the only time it's really wholeheartedly accepted.

Here's the thing though. I love my past. Everything about my past. And no this does not mean that I am living too much in it, or glorifying and delighting in the less than stellar things I did. I'm just...thankful for it. I love that I didn't have much growing up. I learned the value of love and charity from others. And I am also extremely grateful that I grew up without a father. Sure, much of that was why I became so depressed but it has taught me, in a way nothing else could, how much Jesus loves me and how He is the most wonderful and fulfilling Daddy any person could ever want.

If you really think about it, many of the things we are passionate about today have stemmed from the things we went through in our past. For example, someone who used to be addicted to alcohol might now want to help others like him. Or in my case, since I spent a large chunk of my life feeling pretty worthless, I have a passion for teens who feel the same way. I want to help them. I want to use my life as an example to them that they can get through it.

It's just such a testimony of how God can make anything beautiful, ya know? Like seriously...think about it. How crazy is it that the moments we have felt the dirtiest, and ugliest are the moments that God can work in amazing ways? Oh my goodness. Just writing this, I feel completely overwhelmed by how much He works in things. It's just truly inspiring and fills me with so much happiness. I am so thankful for a God that can find beauty in the filthiest parts of my life. 

I have no idea if any of this actually made sense, but I just felt like I wanted to write about this. I am completely aware that this post will be full of cliches and things you already know, but I'd like to write about it anyways please and thank you. 

We're alive and We're Shaken

I am currently at Starbucks listening to the stylistic sounds of Brazilian music that incites one to get up and shake their hips. It's quite enjoyable, actually.

Anyways. Happy Easter! Christ is risen! He conquered death so that we may have freedom and life through Him!

Okay now be honest. How quickly did you just skim over that? Did those words really have any sort of profound effect in your heart? 

Maybe not if we were honest with ourselves. As someone who grew up in church her whole life, I can pretty much predict (down to a science) how an Easter service will go. It will be packed. Though the messages may vary, it will pretty-much-guaranteed have a large emphasis of it centered around coming to Christ or evangelizing to non-believers. I mean, c'mon, churches are smart right? They know this is, besides Christmas, will be one of their most packed services, so they want to bring as many people to Jesus as they can. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Not really. It's just...do you ever realize how apathetic we get about it?

Well at least that's the sense I got today when I was at church. It blew my mind that I was in a packed room, filled with believers, and yet I couldn't help but feel this crushing burden of apathy and boredom from the majority of the people around me. How incredibly sad is that?

Are we that dry as a people that we can't even summon up at least a tiny bit of excitement to celebrate a day that brought to life everything we believe in? It's kind of no wonder we get called hypocritical all the time.

We need breath. We need fire. We need passion. We need to be shaken to life.

I'm completely repeating myself. I know that I've already written one, if not several, blogs on this but it's just something that is so important. 

Guys our world is so dark. It is in so much need of Jesus it's insane.There are so many lost and broken people. And we've gotten so comfortable in our apathy that we've ignored our sleep for so long. We've let our faith become clouded with worldly values. We've let ourselves come to the point where Easter is more of a chore than a celebration of our God.  It's scary, talking to people about Jesus. Even though we're told not to fear rejection, but let's be honest...rejection kinda sucks. It's no fun to have people hate you and call you a bigot. And it can be seriously not fun to serve others. Our lives are hectic and crazy, it seems there is never enough time to do all that we should. And I'm lumping myself along with everyone else. I don't do either of these things nearly as much as I should. But I need to. We need to. 

For lack of a less cheesy analogy, I feel like I've been asleep for so long, and Jesus is slowly bringing me back awake. I feel the beginnings of a fire. A fire I don't ever want to let burn out. Oh geeze. Please excuse how cheesy all of this is, but seriously. I feel like I'm falling in love with Him a little more everyday. It's like seeing the boy you have the biggest crush on and getting all those butterflies and fluttery guttery feelings. He makes my heart race and I just love Him. I want to talk about Him...like ALL the time. I just really love Him.

I don't mean any of that to come of braggy. That is not my intention. Honestly, I know this is all God. I am so thankful that He has brought me out of my apathy. And I'm praying that He will do the same with those around me. We NEED this guys. We need this all consuming love. We need to be overwhelmed by Him. 

Can you imagine what we could do, what we could change, if we as a church finally shook off our apathy? If we finally let Him take control of our desires and hearts?

Something revolutionary, that's for sure.

Acts 2:44

Have you ever taken a second to think about how many sermons in church are based off the idea of servant hood? Or how there always seems to be hundreds and hundreds of volunteer opportunities that it's almost overwhelming to think about? I wonder why that is. Why do so many of the messages we hear seem to revolve around that one idea?

I think it's because so many of us have yet to fully grasp the true meaning of servant hood.

I feel like a hypocrite even writing about this because I used to be extremely bitter towards any message on serving. In my mind, it wasn't preached with good intentions, but rather as a ploy from the church to get more volunteers. In hindsight I realize that much of what I felt was a result of how burned out I was. I was volunteering for too many things at one time and blamed it on the church instead of myself. Which, sidenote, don't do that. Volunteering for 80,000 things does not make you a better Christian than someone else, or make you holier than someone else. Just volunteer for what you feel called to do. Otherwise, you will get burnt out and you will hate everything.

Anywho.

I think (like so many other things) we've let American ideals blend together with Christian principles. And that is rarely a good thing. As society we're told to help others, but there's always some sort of hidden agenda within it. And our culture encourages that principle. There always has to be some kind of reward or recognition that comes with our seemingly selfless act. I think, as Christians, we've kind of adopted this idea. We've created this... expectancy when serving others. We can deny it until we're absolutely out of breath, but it exists. I realized that there are so many times I serve others with some hidden intention in my heart. Whether it be recognition or the security that the person I'm serving will one day return the favor, the expectancy exists. And I hate it.

This is completely not how I'm supposed to serve others. This isn't how we are supposed to serve others. I want to serve someone out of a joyful and willing heart. I don't want them to feel obligated to me. I don't want to expect something in return.

(and again, I think I'm making too many generalizations here because I have met so many Christians who serve others entirely out of genuine love for God)

I think I've come to the point in this blog where I've completely overused this example, but the church in Acts guys. Oh my goodness. Is there a better example? THEY GAVE UP THEIR LAND FOR ONE ANOTHER. What in the world? This blows my mind EVERY time I read it! I can't seem to get over it. That's what true servant hood looks like. Helping out of the genuine love you have for God and others. 

I want to serve in love. I want to serve others because I have so much love for Jesus that it just pours out into every area of my life and I won't be able to physically stop helping others. No expectations. No rewards. Just genuine love and care for others.

A Reckless Love too Wild to Understand

Reckless: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless".

There's just something about the word "reckless" that instantly sets my heart beating fast. Maybe it's just because I fancy myself a reckless person in some aspects of my life...or maybe it's just the idea of it and what I think about when I hear or see that word.

Regardless of what comes to mind, I cannot think of a better word to describe the love we should have for God. I know it may seem wrong, especially since the word reckless is used to label so many negative things, but it just seems so...right to me. I honestly can't think of a more perfect, or fitting word for it.

Think about it: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences...without caution". Can you imagine how many things we would do for Jesus if we were completely unconcerned about the consequences? We wouldn't care what society says about us, or what our friends would think about us. We would just do. We would do it out of this crazy, irrpresable love we have for Him and nothing would be able to stop us.

How amazing would that be?!
 
Having a reckless love for Him means putting aside the insecurities or fears we may have and going after Him in full abandonment. It's complete surrender. I want that. I want to be recklessly in love with Him. I want to be completely surrendered to His will that no matter what He calls me to do or where He calls me, that I would go and do without a second thought. 

There's not much else I can really say about this other than just think about it. Think about how truly free we would be if we allowed ourselves to let go and recklessly loved Him with everything we had. It would be crazy. The kind of crazy that our world needs. The kind of crazy that Jesus delights in. 

I hope that this isn't coming across as judgmental or preachy. I, myself, have trouble letting go. The idea of being recklessly abandoned to God is terrifying. But...it's also kind of really exciting. And I just really can't wait til I can get to this point and be used by God without holding back. 

I think it'd be kind of fantastic.

Oh! This whole post was very much inspired by Up in Arms by Hillsong United. So here's a link. Listen to it because not only are the lyrics wonderful, but the music is so on point:

Can we get some love for the old?

I know, I know. I posted just two short days ago. But sometimes when the blog bug hits, you must listen and post away.

Anyways. This post will probably offend some...but honestly when do my posts (except the ones where I am being vain and talking about myself) not ruffle a few feathers? So we can all just ignore this little disclaimer. But I should add this one on: I think this is going to come off sounding like I'm very bitter, but I'm honestly not. I promise. I admit I've written some posts with bitter notes in them, but this is not one of them. It's just something that I've been noticing more and more lately.

Maybe it's just me, or the age group I'm with, or even the place I'm at, but lately I've just been getting this feeling that being an "old" Christian is just not very cool anymore. Or at least being an older young adult Christian isn't cool anymore.

Should I explain this? I think I should.

 I've been a Christian since I was five and rededicated my life to God when I was fourteen. I've gone through many ups and downs, great times and bad times, but I've never completely walked away from God. I don't think I ever could. He is ingrained (in a lovely way) into my system and He could never, and I'd never, want Him to get out.Well apparently, at least in the young adult atmosphere, this isn't normal. I have new believers come up to me and ask something along the lines of "so what were you like in your BC days?" And perhaps I should explain the whole "bc" concept. "BC Days" basically means what you were like before you surrendered your life to God. It's just a cutesy way of describing all the not so lovely things you participated in before Jesus.

Whenever someone asks me this, I don't actually have an answer unless I want to talk about what a horrible child I was before five, which lets face it...were any of us rays of sunshine at 2? No. Anyways, after I tell them that I do not, in fact, have BC days, I get this...look. Ohhh how to describe this look? I guess you could say it's almost...condescending in a way? Maybe that's not the right word. Pity might be better. Yes actually pity works well. It's like they pity me because I've never "acted out" or done something I insanely regret and therefore my testimony is not as powerful as theirs. I can't witness to someone who used to party every night because I never did that. I don't have the right. I'm not even going to get into how so many people seem to take pride in their BC days, because this post would end up being a year long or something ridiculous like that. But let me just say, what in the world? If it's not the pitying looks, then it's looks of disbelief or doubt. I've had people actually question whether or not I'm saved because I've been a Christian so long...and half of this isn't even from my peers, but from the leaders themselves!

Thank you. Because that is not belittling at all.

The sad thing is that so many of the ministries I've been involved in lately seem to just reinforce this idea. I can't tell you how many messages I've sat through that are basically, "Repent! Surrender! Live for Jesus!" And yes. I am completely ALL for this! This is what Christianity is about. But sometimes I'd  just like to dive further into the bible and learn other things besides that message. I want to grow, you know? I want to be able to ask all these questions I have without "oh we can't get into that yet, because so many people don't know the story of Jesus yet". I think I can count one ministry around me that's directed towards "older" Christians. And I am absolutely in love with it. However, compared to the 15 or so other ministries on campus that are dedicated to helping new believers, it's a little sad.

Oh and just because I am an older Christian, please don't tell me that it is my sole responsibility to mentor and disciple others. I am not against that at all. Actually, the thought of being someone's mentor is very exciting to me. However, please don't forget that I am still growing. I still need someone to help us. Yes, I have been a Christian for quite some time, but I (and no one does) don't have all the answers. I need guidance as well. But it's very hard to receive that guidance when so many ministries get so caught up with converting new people and ignore the others in their congregation. Please don't forget about that. That's how ministries loose so many people. Because they neglect us "older Christians" and spend all their energy on new believers.
Oh gosh. I feel like a horrible person even posting this because I can see how whiny and snobby it may seem to others. I am sorry. I'm not trying to be a snob. I'd just like to stop feeling like I'm condescended because I haven't just now given my life to God. 

Okay. I'll be done now. I just had to get this off my chest.

Life is a Gift of Fresh Cut Roses (or in other words, a typical look into the mind of a young adult facing an unknown future)

I was listening to "With Everything" by Hillsong the other day and as I was, a memory flashed through my mind. 

I was at youth group and we were watching a video of Hillsong performing (probably not the right word) one of their songs. As I watched, I remember feeling this desire grow in me, this...sense of purpose.  I remember thinking, "this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant for something like this." I was incredibly confident.

How far I've come from where I used to be. 

When I was fifteen, I knew I wanted to do something in ministry. When I was sixteen, I began telling people I was going to be a youth pastor. 

I had, definitely still have, a passion for teenagers. I think they are often overlooked and underestimated, but if any age group is going to change the world, it's going to be them. I say that with all the sincerity I can muster. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. At the time, I was going to go to Covenant, a beautiful Christian college literally on top of a mountain. I even was going to room with two girls that were in my class. But that wasn't the plan God had for me. I ended up staying home for two years, going to a community college, something I never wanted to do, but something that definitely humbled me. During those two years, I went through the transition of student to youth leader. It's impossible to go through that process without any awkwardness, especially if you happened to grow up in that ministry, as I had. Despite the awkwardness, I fell in love with it. The teens were just so different. So full of genuine love for God that it always blew my mind. I completely fell in love with them, and I firmly believe that they are one amazingly special group of teens. I loved everything about being a youth leader. Eventually, I knew that everything wouldn't continue to be so rosy. I knew eventually things would come to a head. And they did. Unfortunate events happened, events that caused me to become very bitter and hardened. Events that I am still trying to find complete closure on, and am working towards moving on from them with forgiveness and love.

Anywho.

Despite this, my desire to be in ministry didn't fade; it just became more broad. I ended up at Salisbury University, a plan that I sometimes still ask God about. 


It's funny, really. When I thought about what I wanted to write about in my next post, this wasn't it. Not really. I'm actually sort of at a loss right now of where I want to go with this. It's kinda of just flown from my mind to my fingers. 

I had intended to talk about my current job. How I am very grateful for it, but still feel the unending tugging of restlessness. However, I don't think I am going to talk about that, because I think I'm beginning to realize that this feeling of restlessness goes hand-in-hand with the young adult mindset.

I'm not going to lie. I am a restless person. I am a lover of change, a chaser of recklessness and adventure. However, every young adult reaches that point in their life where they are faced with their future, and go towards it with uncertainty and fear. It's normal, I suppose. And something I don't think that can be avoided.

 One thing I am certain of is that I've changed. In some good ways, and in some not so good ways, such as the nature of change goes. But that's the beauty of change isn't it? How unpredictable it can be, and how it is a constant learning process. I know that I have become stronger, more independent, and more "aware" of who I am. When I was younger, growing up in church, whatever was given to me I would take. Many times, I wouldn't think for myself, I would take what was said to me by my Sunday school teachers and youth leaders at face value. Which isn't necessarily wrong, but there is something incredibly uplifting and good about discovering things for yourself. You don't always have to agree with what someone tells you. If you disagree, look it up. Explore it. Hold it up to the Bible. Form an opinion based on that. Not by what someone tells you. I've learned a lot about myself here at Salisbury. I am discovering more about who I am: things that I find joy in, my strengths, what sets me apart, and new found passions (for example: my views on the modern church). At the same time, I'm also discovering the more ugly aspects of my personality. The capacity I have for selfishness and jealously, and an ever-growing lists of fears and insecurities.

One thing though that has remained the same is that desire for ministry. Whatever it may be, missions, youth pastor, camp counselor even, I know that I need to be involved in it some way. As I mentioned right above, I've let space, jealously and insecurities cloud that, but my desire still remains strong. I suppose this relates to what I originally wanted to write about, but I just...I don't want to spend my life working job after job. I want to do something I'm passionate about. Like everyone else my age! I know how unrealistic it is, but I could truly care less about making money. If I have enough to get through the day, I'll be okay with that. I know I can be a ball of stress and anxiety, but I'm slowly working on letting go and trusting God. 

I just, I want so much more. Since I was a teen, I've wanted to impact the world in some small way and as silly as it may sound, I'm getting older. I'm not guaranteed any day and I feel like I haven't done anything. At least not anything significant. 

I have to apologize because it's nearly 1am and I am running on less than four hours of sleep from the previous night, and I know that this is all pretty much just a long nonsensical list of ramblings. Ramblings that almost everyone has gone through, are going through, or will go through at one point in their lives. 

I just want to get out there and do something. You know?

It's funny because I am the happiest, the most joyful, the most content when I'm sitting with a group of people, discussing things about God. I imagine a life filled with that. Pouring out as much love as I can on those precious, beautiful people in third world countries whose faith and resilience will always blow my mind. I imagine talking and hanging out with a bunch of teens, and telling all of them how wonderful they are. How they can change the world; how important they are and to never feel worthless. And I imagine not having a typical life. I imagine spending my life doing something good. Something for God. 

Something fearless. Something I'm meant to do.