Similar (actually this is pretty much the same post, but with a bit more perspective) to my previous post, I unfortunately have to say that this week did not start off as pleasantly as it could have. I'm beginning to think Monday's hate me.
This self-doubting bug has seemed not only to have bit me, but also made a home in my brain as well. I know it's a gross analogy, but I've never been very good at analogies, so please just accept this one.
Despite finding these past few weeks tiring and a bit full of heartache, I am not unaware of how God is working on me. I have always viewed God as my father. However, I often go through these times where I decide that I am independent and happy enough to not rely as heavily on Him as I know I should. It's almost like I'm saying "Hey God, you know I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I think I can make these decisions and these things on my own right now."
Yeah, not very great of me.
And unsurprisingly, it's in these times that I usually end up falling flat on my face. Because to be honest, a lot of brokenness currently and has resided in me at various points in my life. There are many things that I exhibit caution in, but when it comes to my heart, I can be quite reckless with it. And because of that tendency, I end up getting hurt, and with that hurt, self-doubt and lack of worth like to tag along as well, making me one giant, frustrating, blubbering mess. I so often struggle with self-worth. One thought that always seem to be bouncing around in my head is the idea that no one would ever be interested in me. Gosh. Just writing that makes me cringe in so many ways because I know how deeply pathetic that sounds. Nevertheless though, it's true.
About a week or so ago, my roommate told me something that I hold very close to my heart. She told me that one day I would find someone who finds all of my "quirks" adorable. I know it sounds rather vain of me but at the time, I found comfort in these words because I feel like such an oddball most days and the idea that a guy would not only accept those quirks but also love them made me feel hopeful. And I think part of the reason most of us want to be married or in relationships, is because we so badly desire to have someone who understands and accepts us just as we are.
I think you all probably know where I'm going with this, but I think God is trying to bring me to a place where I realize that I have this already. I have someone who looks at me with love and understanding. Someone who finds my quirks endearing. Which is good since He happens to be the one that made me.
How weird is it to think that the being that created us, not only looks at us with love but also delights in us? Like...He doesn't look at us, shake his head and moan about all the mistakes we make. He doesn't wish that He could just crumple us up and start over again. He delights in us. I have heard that phrase so so SO much, but I feel like today it is starting to impact me in a different way. Or maybe God is softening my heart to accept this as a truth. Either way, it's incredibly comforting and I am deeply thankful for it.
I can't end this post with any concluding idea, mainly since I feel that I've just started this...healing? May I call it that? process. In fact, I feel rather raw and my prayer this week has been that God would literally place his hands over mine and hold my heart together since I can't seem to do a very good job at it. But I can say that not only is this going to bring me closer to God, but it's also teaching me the true meaning of joy. Joy is not an emotion, but rather a state of mind. And despite how hurt I may feel, how can I not have joy when I have a creator who delights in me?
What a beautiful thought that is.
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