Thursday, October 17, 2013

You Delight in Me and You Call Me Yours

Similar (actually this is pretty much the same post, but with a bit more perspective) to my previous post, I unfortunately have to say that this week did not start off as pleasantly as it could have. I'm beginning to think Monday's hate me.

This self-doubting bug has seemed not only to have bit me, but also made a home in my brain as well. I know it's a gross analogy, but I've never been very good at analogies, so please just accept this one.

Despite finding these past few weeks tiring and a bit full of heartache, I am not unaware of how God is working on me. I have always viewed God as my father. However, I often go through these times where I decide that I am independent and happy enough to not rely as heavily on Him as I know I should. It's almost like I'm saying "Hey God, you know I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I think I can make these decisions and these things on my own right now." 

Yeah, not very great of me. 

And unsurprisingly, it's in these times that I usually end up falling flat on my face. Because to be honest, a lot of brokenness currently and has resided in me at various points in my life. There are many things that I exhibit caution in, but when it comes to my heart, I can be quite reckless with it. And because of that tendency, I end up getting hurt, and with that hurt, self-doubt and lack of worth like to tag along as well, making me one giant, frustrating, blubbering mess. I so often struggle with self-worth. One thought that always seem to be bouncing around in my head is the idea that no one would ever be interested in me. Gosh. Just writing that makes me cringe in so many ways because I know how deeply pathetic that sounds. Nevertheless though, it's true.

About a week or so ago, my roommate told me something that I hold very close to my heart. She told me that one day I would find someone who finds all of my "quirks" adorable. I know it sounds rather vain of me but at the time, I found comfort in these words because I feel like such an oddball most days and the idea that a guy would not only accept those quirks but also love them made me feel hopeful.  And I think part of the reason most of us want to be married or in relationships, is because we so badly desire to have someone who understands and accepts us just as we are.

I think you all probably know where I'm going with this, but I think God is trying to bring me to a place where I realize that I have this already. I have someone who looks at me with love and understanding. Someone who finds my quirks endearing. Which is good since He happens to be the one that made me.

How weird is it to think that the being that created us, not only looks at us with love but also delights in us? Like...He doesn't look at us, shake his head and moan about all the mistakes we make. He doesn't wish that He could just crumple us up and start over again. He delights in us. I have heard that phrase so so SO much, but I feel like today it is starting to impact me in a different way. Or maybe God is softening my heart to accept this as a truth. Either way, it's incredibly comforting and I am deeply thankful for it.

I can't end this post with any concluding idea, mainly since I feel that I've just started this...healing? May I call it that? process. In fact, I feel rather raw and my prayer this week has been that God would literally place his hands over mine and hold my heart together since I can't seem to do a very good job at it. But I can say that not only is this going to bring me closer to God, but it's also teaching me the true meaning of joy.  Joy is not an emotion, but rather a state of mind. And despite how hurt I may feel, how can I not have joy when I have a creator who delights in me? 

What a beautiful thought that is.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


Have you ever had those times in your life when you feel like you keep hearing the same message over and over again? And I don't mean the actual same message, but more like the same idea. For example, let's say you are currently having problems with fear and it seems that every church service you go to, the message of being courageous seems to be hitting you in the face. Know what I mean? God is funny that way, I suppose.

Lately, the only message I seem to be hearing is the message to love. And not just to love people, but to love the church.

That should be easy, right? After all I am a Christian. And being raised in the church can produce some really beautiful things. However, there is the tendency for cynicism to grow from that beauty.

And if I can be accused of anything, it is having the penchant to look at things from a cynical standpoint. Especially church-related things.

I have oh so very many opinions about the modern church. I'm not entirely thrilled with it. I listen to messages with a cynical outlook, I approach fellowship with a guarded heart, and I worship with a wariness as to whether or not the band is actually singing from a genuine heart or the desire to showcase their talents. In fact, I could write countless posts on all of the things I disagree with in the church.


I could sit here and rant until I'm blue in the face, but talk is never going to get me anywhere. Only action will. And it seems the action God wants me to take is one that doesn't seem to involve much action at stay. In fact, if I'm interpreting the messages I've been hearing every second*, then I think what I need to be doing is not just talking about all the things I disagree with, but to actually start doing something about them.

I should take this moment to be honest. I am not a patient person. I am the exact opposite of a patient person. Which doesn't make sense, considering generally I'm a pretty laid back person. However, when I want something done, I want it done now. Especially when it is something that I am passionate about. It's horrible I know. I wish I had the patience of a nun, but I do not. At least not right now. God and I are working on that.

And let's be honest. Change so rarely happens quickly. In fact, it seems to move with all the speed and purpose of a disabled sloth. And that is quite frustrating when you are an impatient person with a heart for ministry that is longing for the church to stop being such a slug and actually be the church God wants us to be. But once again, complaining about it will never solve anything.

So I have a problem with the way Christians love each other? Well then, I'll pray that God sends those who don't feel loved into my path. I hate the legalism and move towards religious nonsense that some churches seem to be leading with? Well then, I work on viewing others without bias and judgement, and focus on the things that matter. Like loving and being a servant to everyone.

It's pretty simple and cliche stuff. It just seems to be hitting me in a new way lately. Probably because God has been throwing it in my face every chance, but whatever. It's finally sticking.

And that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop blogging about my various *ahem* disagreements about the church. I am an opinionated person. That will never change. However, action is going to accompany these posts and hopefully I'll be able to share some thrilling news soon. But probably not, because once again...change is a sloth. is the first day of October! How joyous! Everyone should love this month. It is seriously the best of the Autumn season. Pumpkins, Halloween, sweater weather...EVERYTHING. So please go and enjoy all that you can out of this glorious month.