Tuesday, October 2, 2012

This Is Not My Home.

"This is not our home". "We are not of this world".

We hear these phrases over and over again. In sermons, from believers, there's even a clothing and accessory place dedicated to this phrase. Seriously, I can't count the number of times I've heard this and just been like "yeah, yeah I get it". But lately I feel like I'm actually starting to get it.

And I'm starting to get a wee bit restless.

I was lying on the pavement last night in a near empty church parking lot (I am such an odd human) and thinking about this. If this place isn't my home, then why am I investing so much into it? Why am I spending all this time and energy to get a degree that will hopefully get me a good job? Like a degree and a good job isn't going to matter in heaven! Oh gracious. Okay. I'm getting all fired up just thinking about this again. I'll try to calm down a bit.

Ok so here's my thing. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know how extremely blessed I am to be able to go to college. Seriously. I.AM.SO.BLESSED. But I can't help but feeling like I'm wasting my time here. And yes. I know what the answer is to this "feeling". "God has you where he wants you" "God will use you in your job and at school" or "we don't have to go the Africa to change the world" (my personal favorite). I'm not trying to put those down. They're perfectly valid. Actually...are they?

I'm going to get a little more touchy here, but what if those answers aren't exactly right? What if they're kind sorta excuses we tell ourselves to feel more comfortable with our lives? I mean...what about the early church? They went out into the world, without fear, and shared the gospel. Without any thought of a "comfortable" life. They were legit world changers. So what seperates them from us? Why have we fallen into this mindset of "go to college, get a job and try to be financially stable"? Isn't that basically the premise of the "American dream"? Like does God really want us to live comfortably? 

I could go more places with this, but I feel like it's already a touchy enough subject for me to push anymore. 

Maybe it's just because I was created with such a restless (incredibly impatient) passionate heart, but I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD...or at least attempt to make a difference. 

My greatest fear is that I'll come to the end of my life and realize I did nothing. I wanted to change the world when I was a teen and now I'm 21 and feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Well...I guess in the world's eyes I have, but I don't know...I just want to do more with my life. I can't even explain it. I just feel like this need to go out and be like Jesus and stop caring about material things and getting good grades. 

I just want to make a difference.