Life is a Gift of Fresh Cut Roses (or in other words, a typical look into the mind of a young adult facing an unknown future)

I was listening to "With Everything" by Hillsong the other day and as I was, a memory flashed through my mind. 

I was at youth group and we were watching a video of Hillsong performing (probably not the right word) one of their songs. As I watched, I remember feeling this desire grow in me, this...sense of purpose.  I remember thinking, "this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant for something like this." I was incredibly confident.

How far I've come from where I used to be. 

When I was fifteen, I knew I wanted to do something in ministry. When I was sixteen, I began telling people I was going to be a youth pastor. 

I had, definitely still have, a passion for teenagers. I think they are often overlooked and underestimated, but if any age group is going to change the world, it's going to be them. I say that with all the sincerity I can muster. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. At the time, I was going to go to Covenant, a beautiful Christian college literally on top of a mountain. I even was going to room with two girls that were in my class. But that wasn't the plan God had for me. I ended up staying home for two years, going to a community college, something I never wanted to do, but something that definitely humbled me. During those two years, I went through the transition of student to youth leader. It's impossible to go through that process without any awkwardness, especially if you happened to grow up in that ministry, as I had. Despite the awkwardness, I fell in love with it. The teens were just so different. So full of genuine love for God that it always blew my mind. I completely fell in love with them, and I firmly believe that they are one amazingly special group of teens. I loved everything about being a youth leader. Eventually, I knew that everything wouldn't continue to be so rosy. I knew eventually things would come to a head. And they did. Unfortunate events happened, events that caused me to become very bitter and hardened. Events that I am still trying to find complete closure on, and am working towards moving on from them with forgiveness and love.

Anywho.

Despite this, my desire to be in ministry didn't fade; it just became more broad. I ended up at Salisbury University, a plan that I sometimes still ask God about. 


It's funny, really. When I thought about what I wanted to write about in my next post, this wasn't it. Not really. I'm actually sort of at a loss right now of where I want to go with this. It's kinda of just flown from my mind to my fingers. 

I had intended to talk about my current job. How I am very grateful for it, but still feel the unending tugging of restlessness. However, I don't think I am going to talk about that, because I think I'm beginning to realize that this feeling of restlessness goes hand-in-hand with the young adult mindset.

I'm not going to lie. I am a restless person. I am a lover of change, a chaser of recklessness and adventure. However, every young adult reaches that point in their life where they are faced with their future, and go towards it with uncertainty and fear. It's normal, I suppose. And something I don't think that can be avoided.

 One thing I am certain of is that I've changed. In some good ways, and in some not so good ways, such as the nature of change goes. But that's the beauty of change isn't it? How unpredictable it can be, and how it is a constant learning process. I know that I have become stronger, more independent, and more "aware" of who I am. When I was younger, growing up in church, whatever was given to me I would take. Many times, I wouldn't think for myself, I would take what was said to me by my Sunday school teachers and youth leaders at face value. Which isn't necessarily wrong, but there is something incredibly uplifting and good about discovering things for yourself. You don't always have to agree with what someone tells you. If you disagree, look it up. Explore it. Hold it up to the Bible. Form an opinion based on that. Not by what someone tells you. I've learned a lot about myself here at Salisbury. I am discovering more about who I am: things that I find joy in, my strengths, what sets me apart, and new found passions (for example: my views on the modern church). At the same time, I'm also discovering the more ugly aspects of my personality. The capacity I have for selfishness and jealously, and an ever-growing lists of fears and insecurities.

One thing though that has remained the same is that desire for ministry. Whatever it may be, missions, youth pastor, camp counselor even, I know that I need to be involved in it some way. As I mentioned right above, I've let space, jealously and insecurities cloud that, but my desire still remains strong. I suppose this relates to what I originally wanted to write about, but I just...I don't want to spend my life working job after job. I want to do something I'm passionate about. Like everyone else my age! I know how unrealistic it is, but I could truly care less about making money. If I have enough to get through the day, I'll be okay with that. I know I can be a ball of stress and anxiety, but I'm slowly working on letting go and trusting God. 

I just, I want so much more. Since I was a teen, I've wanted to impact the world in some small way and as silly as it may sound, I'm getting older. I'm not guaranteed any day and I feel like I haven't done anything. At least not anything significant. 

I have to apologize because it's nearly 1am and I am running on less than four hours of sleep from the previous night, and I know that this is all pretty much just a long nonsensical list of ramblings. Ramblings that almost everyone has gone through, are going through, or will go through at one point in their lives. 

I just want to get out there and do something. You know?

It's funny because I am the happiest, the most joyful, the most content when I'm sitting with a group of people, discussing things about God. I imagine a life filled with that. Pouring out as much love as I can on those precious, beautiful people in third world countries whose faith and resilience will always blow my mind. I imagine talking and hanging out with a bunch of teens, and telling all of them how wonderful they are. How they can change the world; how important they are and to never feel worthless. And I imagine not having a typical life. I imagine spending my life doing something good. Something for God. 

Something fearless. Something I'm meant to do.
  

 



 

The Do's and Don'ts of Proper Church Behavior

Have you ever thought about how many unspoken rules/behaviors that take place in a single church service? 

We almost always clap after the first worship song, we know to get the in the "prayer position" when the lights dim, and we know to be respectful and quiet while the pastor is talking.

So what happens when someone disrupts these patterns? How do we react?

Not well. 

Today at church, I was sitting near the back and there was a mentally-challenged older lady sitting close by who was muttering to herself every few minutes. Though it wasn't too loud, she was certainly getting attention for it. Many people around me, including myself, turned around to stare at her. I suppose it was our passive-aggressive way to tell her to be quiet. As I stared at her, I started ask why I was irritated by her. Sure, she was talking out loud, but to be honest, it wasn't loud enough to cause that much of a distraction, let alone, that much attention. I think I was staring her because she was breaking the "norm" of church behavior.

Something similar happened earlier this year. It was again during service, and the pastor had asked the congregation a question. Well...as faithful members of church, we all know that when a pastor asks a question, he usually doesn't want an answer. It's rhetorical. Or something we answer in our minds. A man sitting in the front row, raised his hand to answer the question. He was instantly met with either looks that seemed to question his intelligence or ignored. I watched as he slowly put his hand down, and looked completely dejected. He left soon after that and I found myself deeply disappointed with my fellow Christians.

Yet I found myself doing the same thing today to a lady that did not deserve it. 

 And sadly these "distractions"-- oh excuse me, I mean people-- are not shown love, but rather the door out. We remove the things causing the disruptions. I've seen it in many churches. An usher quietly walks over to that pesky person who is stopping the faithful followers of the church from listening to that anointed message, and are asked to leave. 

I mean really. That's about as Christlike as we can get, right?

Please don't misunderstand me. Order is important. I understand that. I've been to churches where it's pretty much just chaos. But to ask someone to leave, or shoot them dirty looks, because they don't understand the "rules" of church is ridiculous.

If you think about it, most of those who go against the norms, have never been to church before. So how can we expect to instantly know "how to act". We show them the door when we should be welcoming them. Church is supposed to be a place of safety and comfort where believers come together to worship and care about each other. Who cares if someone isn't conducting themselves in the way we expect them too. And if they are honestly being disrespectful or causing a serious distraction to the point where the pastor can't get through his message, then lovingly pull them aside after church and explain why what they did was wrong. Don't just make them leave and not tell them why. That happens far too much.

Oh my goodness.

I just...I hate that we do this. I hate that I do this.

People are so precious and throughout history, Christians and churches have had a reputation of turning away those who need God the most. I don't want to be that Christian. I don't want, nor do I have the right, to judge someone and put them out because they aren't exhibiting proper church behavior like the rest of us.

Jesus is so good and He loves everyone despite their appearance or how they may act. We need to actually live this instead of just saying we do. I feel so convicted because I am so guilty of judging someone based off of their behavior.

But I don't want to be that person anymore. It isn't right. It isn't what we are called to be.

We Just Want the Fire in Our Bones

I think I've firmly established that I'm a bit of an oddball.

So with that said it should come as no surprise that passages like the valley of dry bones and ones that almost seem to be yelling or scolding are the ones that inspire me the most.

One of my favorite verses is Romans 13:11
 "You know what sort of times we live in, and so you should live properly. It is time to wake up. You know that the day when we will be saved is nearer than when we first put our faith in the Lord. Night is almost over, and day will soon appear. We must stop behaving as people do in the dark and be ready to live in the light."

Guys. This verse is awesome and it just cuts straight to the heart. Like there is no messing around with this verse. No way to interpret it into something other than a wake up call.

I've already mentioned how I feel about the modern church. Now I want to talk about us. Modern Christians.

Can I just first say...what in the world is wrong with us?!

We've become so tolerant of pratically everything in our society. We don't take a stand for anything anymore. And if we do, the majority of the time it's looked down on by other Christians or something that is completely not in line with what the Bible says.

For example. Gay marriage. Yes, I am going there. I'm sorry I can't help it. It honestly blows my mind how Christians can stand up for gay marriage. How have we gotten to a point that we not only tolerate, but support something that goes completely against what is written in the Bible? Ok. I'll stop because that whole thing frustrates me to no end and I don't want to go off on a whole other tangent.

We're so full of fear it's ridiculous. I am so full of fear it's ridiculous.  And I don't understand why. There really is nothing to be afraid of. What's the worst thing that can happen to us? Death? Oh well. We get Heaven...so it's kind of a win-win. But I find that in so many situations I hold my beliefs back because I am afraid. I'm so frustrated with myself for doing this.

Our nation is literally going into such a gross place and are we really just going to sit back and let it all happen because we don't want to offend anyone? When was the last time we've all come together to stand up against something that is wrong and stuck with it? Most times we're all just talk but when it comes to actually facing the consequences we get too afraid to continue. Do we even come together for anything anymore? Another weird favorite verse of mine is Revelation 19:5-6:
"From the throne a voice said, 'If you worship and fear our God, give praise to Him, no matter who you are.' Then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together. They were saying: 'Praise the Lord! Our Lord God All-Powerful now rules as king.'"

My favorite part of those verses is "then I heard what seemed to be a large crowd that sounded like a roaring flood and loud thunder all mixed together". Can you imagine how amazing and powerful it would be if we all came together as one to praise God? Dude. It would be insane.

Unfortunately we let petty differences like denominations, churches, and different views keep us from ever being unified, and because of that, we've lost so much of the influence we could have.

I mentioned above that the valley of dry bones inspires me. If you haven't read it (and I definitely recommend reading it), it's about God taking Ezekiel to a valley that if full of dry bones. The Lord asks him if the dry bones can ever be made into living people again. He instructs Ezekiel to speak a prophetic message to them, saying the Lord will breathe life into them and make them live again. They eventually come to life again and the Lord says:

“Son of man, these bones represent the people of Israel. They are saying, ‘We have become old, dry bones—all hope is gone. Our nation is finished.’  Therefore, prophesy to them and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: O my people, I will open your graves of exile and cause you to rise again. Then I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ When this happens, O my people, you will know that I am the Lord.  I will put my Spirit in you, and you will live again and return home to your own land. Then you will know that I, the Lord, have spoken, and I have done what I said. Yes, the Lord has spoken!’”
Ezekiel 37:11-14

I think many of us are like that today. There are many of us and we have the potential but we've let ourselves become dried up and dead in our faith. 

We need a breath of life in our bones.

 

This Is Not My Home.

"This is not our home". "We are not of this world".

We hear these phrases over and over again. In sermons, from believers, there's even a clothing and accessory place dedicated to this phrase. Seriously, I can't count the number of times I've heard this and just been like "yeah, yeah I get it". But lately I feel like I'm actually starting to get it.

And I'm starting to get a wee bit restless.

I was lying on the pavement last night in a near empty church parking lot (I am such an odd human) and thinking about this. If this place isn't my home, then why am I investing so much into it? Why am I spending all this time and energy to get a degree that will hopefully get me a good job? Like a degree and a good job isn't going to matter in heaven! Oh gracious. Okay. I'm getting all fired up just thinking about this again. I'll try to calm down a bit.

Ok so here's my thing. I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know how extremely blessed I am to be able to go to college. Seriously. I.AM.SO.BLESSED. But I can't help but feeling like I'm wasting my time here. And yes. I know what the answer is to this "feeling". "God has you where he wants you" "God will use you in your job and at school" or "we don't have to go the Africa to change the world" (my personal favorite). I'm not trying to put those down. They're perfectly valid. Actually...are they?

I'm going to get a little more touchy here, but what if those answers aren't exactly right? What if they're kind sorta excuses we tell ourselves to feel more comfortable with our lives? I mean...what about the early church? They went out into the world, without fear, and shared the gospel. Without any thought of a "comfortable" life. They were legit world changers. So what seperates them from us? Why have we fallen into this mindset of "go to college, get a job and try to be financially stable"? Isn't that basically the premise of the "American dream"? Like does God really want us to live comfortably? 

I could go more places with this, but I feel like it's already a touchy enough subject for me to push anymore. 

Maybe it's just because I was created with such a restless (incredibly impatient) passionate heart, but I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD...or at least attempt to make a difference. 

My greatest fear is that I'll come to the end of my life and realize I did nothing. I wanted to change the world when I was a teen and now I'm 21 and feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Well...I guess in the world's eyes I have, but I don't know...I just want to do more with my life. I can't even explain it. I just feel like this need to go out and be like Jesus and stop caring about material things and getting good grades. 

I just want to make a difference.  

I

Agape--> or lack of it.

Have you noticed how little love there is between Christians today? Actually, let me be more specific, have you noticed how little genuine love there is between Christians today? 

This has been something that has been brewing in my heart for quite some time now and again, please forgive me if it comes out incoherently. But I've noticed we place such an emphasis on loving the lost, which is great and all, but I feel as though we've lost the emphasis of loving each other. 

It's easy to love unbelievers. We see them as lost souls; we don't look at their outsides. But we look at each other on a different level. Since we are secure in each others salvation, for some reason it gives us leeway to judge each other based off of appearances and personality.  And if you don't match the criteria, then...oh well. You're ignored. And the best part? We don't have to feel that guilty about ignoring you because you're already saved!

What irritates the living daylights out of me is when we say, "we really need to show the love of God to others" or "We need to reach out in love to the unbelievers on campus". Isn't it just a wee bit hypocritical of us to say that when we can't even have real fellowship and love between our "brothers & sisters in Christ"?

What happens when you save a non-believer? What should happen is that you maintain a steady relationship with them and help grow each other. However, the reality is, if you aren't exciting enough then you're left alone. That isn't right. How many people do you think have walked away from God because they were ignored and treated like crap at a Christian event? What about people who are depressed, who have contemplated suicide because they feel so lonely and no one will reach out to them? What about the fact that people feel inadequate and unworthy because they don't feel good enough to be part of this "Christian elite" group? How is this what Jesus wants of us? 

I came to Salisbury to find that strong genuine fellowship that I feel like I've been lacking and honestly? I could probably count the number on my hand of genuine Christian people who have actually taken the time to reach out and get to know me. It's ridiculous. It almost makes me hate Christians and I am one! Honestly, I feel like non-believers are more genuine and accepting of me then most of the Christians I've met here. 

I know this post is coming off whiny and I'm sorry. But it just...blows my mind. I'm so frustrated. Being around Christians is where we should feel the most loved. Where we feel so at home. It should be like a strong bond. Instead Christians have taken to judging each other and becoming incredibly cliquey and just plain snobby. 

Maybe for once we should take our focus off of others, and direct it onto ourselves. Would Jesus really be pleased with the way we act towards each other? Would He really be proud of the love we have towards each other?


We always talk about how radical it is to love the lost...wouldn't it be radical if we learned to actually love each other?

Are we equipped for the war?

My roommate and I got into an interesting conversation earlier this evening. Somehow our conversation jumped from spiritual gifts to spiritual warfare. We talked about the experiences we've had, or witnessed and how scary they were. We both came to the realization of just how unequipped we felt for it.

And I think many of us can relate.

We all know spiritual warfare is real. But I don't think we understand just how real it is. The bible says that there is war going on around us. Sure, I feel like I'm constantly at war with my selfish desires, but rarely do I feel the full impact of the war for my soul. Can you imagine it? Whenever I think about it, I always picture muscular angels flying around with flaming swords or something, attacking demons and whatnot. 

Somehow I don't think that's exactly how it happens.

I feel like this is such an unexplored part of Christianity. Or something that no one ever wants to talk about. Which I can understand. After all, talking about the devil and demons isn't exactly the most fun conversation you'll ever have. But shouldn't we be at least somewhat prepared? Or know how to prepare ourselves against these attacks? And I know that Ephesians 6 is a pretty good passage to look up if you want to be prepared, but I wish pastors would go more in depth about it. I mean, that passage is pretty powerful stuff! It's telling us how we can be prepared to fight! So why is it reduced to standard Christian cliches?

Why are we so afraid to bring this stuff up? Whenever I ask this question, the reply is almost always something along these lines "we don't want to give the devil a foothold". I can understand that. I also understand that talking about demons and evil all the time can lead to many bad things. However, I think we need to find a balance. This war isn't something that is going to vanish simply because we refuse to acknowledge the full extent of it.

To be honest, I don't think that most of us aren't equipped. At least I don't feel like I am. I've talked to many other Christians who have felt the same way. We don't talk about it because we don't want the devil to have any power in our lives. Okay fine. But isn't labeling it as some sort of taboo that we shouldn't talk about, giving him more power? If we don't talk about it, how are we supposed to know how to fight it? It's a war right? And whenever someone is about to go into battle, they get training. So why aren't we trained? After all, Jesus and His disciples drove out demons. They didn't shy away from it. They were prepared. They were equipped.

 I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this in almost every single post, but I am an extremely fiery and passionate person. And I am  tired of feeling so fearful and unprepared. I don't want to sit by and let this battle rage on while I ignore it because it isn't something "pretty or loving" to think about. No. I want to join this war. And the only way I can do that is if I am equipped. And the only way we can become equipped is if we discuss this. 

Let the discussion begin.

[sidenote: It's currently 2am and I am battling insomnia right now. I sincerely hope this post makes some bit of sense and isn't just a rambling mess.]

Would Jesus Recognize the Modern Church?

It's no secret that I am not altogether the biggest fan of how modern American church is run.  Or for that matter, modern day Christianity.

(Well, I should say I'm not a fan of how some modern American churches are run. I don't want to lump all churches together when there are some really amazing churches out there.)

Anyways. Before I get into this I just want to say that I know this post will be controversial and maybe offend some people. But honestly? Good. Things need to be a little shaken up. Because that's one of our problems as Christians isn't it? We've (and I am definitely including myself in this) gotten so darn comfortable and somehow have managed to turn Christianity into some watered down version of what it used to be. But let me not go there...at least not in this post. I'll get to that some other time because of course I have an opinion on it. Surprise, Surprise.

I want to make this post as coherent and un-rantiful as I can.  It's something I am extremely passionate about, and sometimes it can be hard to express that passion in an understandable way. But I'm going to try.

A couple of days ago, I was listening to a podcast from Francis Chan and something that he said resonated with me. He asked (and I'm paraphrasing here) What if you had never attended a church service in your life and all you did was read the bible? What if when you read Acts and all about the early church and thought to yourself "That's the church". Would what you read about the early church match the reality of the church now? Would you really expect to see a bunch of people sitting in neat little rows of chairs, singing a few worship songs, and listening to a timely 30-45min. message?

Whoa.

 The early church was real. I can't find another word that accurately describes it. People cared about each other. There was such a deep sense of fellowship and love between the members.

Acts 2:44-47 says, "And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord's Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity- all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."

 There was genuine love between them. Love that gave freely and without strings attached. Love that sold their worldly possessions just to help those in need. GUYS. They sold their own land! I mean if that isn't doing something in the image of Christ I don't know what is. I'm not saying they were perfect, they did make many mistakes, but they were just so caring. And there was such an emphasis on fellowship that I feel isn't as important today as it used to be. And also please notice that it doesn't say that they met once or even a couple of times a week. No. They met everyday. Everyday, praising God and just enjoying each others precense. Can you imagine that? 

No. We can't. And therein lies the problem.

There's so much fire, and I feel like a pretty just fire in my soul right now that it's honestly getting hard to compose myself. An apology to my poor neighbors who are most likely hearing my grunts of frustration and anger right now. It's just...where along the line did we as a church get so...different? I mean, how did church that met everyday and probably for long periods of time get stuck in such a rigid schedule? When did we become this calculated church society?

And you know I can already hear the arguments against that statement. The excuses that will be raised in defense of the church. Excuses like "well my church does this and that for the poor" or "you can't expect people to sit in church all day everyday". Well for the first, I have to say that many many churches help their communities in big ways. I would be lying if I said the church used to attend didn't make an impact on their community. They definitely do. And I know most churches do the same. And some churches make great strides to give all they can to people in need. I know this. And again, I'm not trying to lump all churches in America together. As for the second, while I understand that we need to work and provide for our families...can we really not make room in our busy schedules for more than 2 hours of church each week? Would that really be so impossible?

 I know that we aren't supposed to judge. Especially by appearances, but it's crazy to me that so many churches today look like hotels. In Dallas, there's even an aquarium in a church. And not just a small one. A 75000 gallon tank. Seriously. Here's a link to their website so you can see it yourself http://ibocjoy.org/. I am absolutely flummoxed by this. That money couldn't have been put to a better use? Like, I don't know...maybe helping out those in need in your community?

It just makes me so frustrated. Why do we spend our money on useless crap? Why do we spend our money on material possessions? Again, people in the early church were giving those up so they could help those in need. And instead of following their example, church money is being spent on redecortating, or the latest technology, or coffee shops! I just...what in the world. And I don't want to hear the excuses of how these things matter. Why can't we just have a simple table filled with coffee and donuts? Why do we have to make a cafe? What because it "brings people together"? I'm sure we can find other ways to get people to fellowship. And yes, wanting your church to look nice is not a sin. But when it becomes the main thing commented on when you visit, doesn't it seem like a problem?" And since when did we start promoting the church while listening to a message? Being on your phone during church used to be seen as disrespectful, but now it's like you're expected to say something good about the message to your friends on facebook and twitter.

I could go on and on about this. And the sad thing?  Some people will read this and immediately close off because no one wants to talk about stuff like this. I've met people who will honestly refuse to listen to a single thing I say about this because they chalk  it up to bitterness. And yes, I do have some bitterness but it's something I am honestly praying to get rid of.

 But this post isn't coming out of a place of bitterness. It's coming out of righteous anger. Anger at how we've become a people content with surface church. Church that doesn't want to "offend". Hey guys guess what? Jesus was kinda offensive! So when did our services get to be this "let's not step on anyone's toes" mess? Where did accountability go? Where did feeling convicted or hearing a message that talks about how painful it can be to walk with Jesus in this world go? Instead we get this watered down "oh you know, you might struggle with some things in your walk with God, but it'll get better!" What if it doesn't ever get better? Do we teach about having joy in those circumstances or do we just quote the verse about Paul saying "rejoice in your sufferings". When did we start caring more about quantity over quality?

Where did that fiery, fellowship-driven church go? And how did we get to this?